« PreviousContinue »
The Surgeon and the House Painters.
PAINTERS are like the dry-rot, if we let 'em
There's no ejectment that can get 'em
Out till they've fairly play'd their pranks. There is a time, however, when the ghastly Spectres cease to haunt our vision;
And as my readers, doubtless, would like vastly
I'll tell them for their ease and comfort
In that great thoroughfare for calves,
Was ever such a set of niggards!
The fact is, that they never took the road,
One morn a Patent Safety Coach
Departed from the Swan with the Two Necks, A sign that seems intended to reproach
Those travellers of either sex,
Who deem one neck sufficient for the risks
Of ditches, drunkards, wheels, and four-legg'd frisks.
Meaning to pass the Opposition,
The front wheel came in violent collision
And down the coach came with a horrid crash.
"Zooks!" cried the coachman, as he swore and cursed,
Had ten been broken, 'twas all one to him.
Of the Plough Inn, who witness'd the disaster,
Th' imprison'd sufferers unpounded,
Then hied himself into the town, to urge on
He came inquired the wounds and spasms
Bandaging some, and letting others blood,
His wife put on her tragi-comic features:-
To the main chance, and so she cried-" Poor creatures Dear me, how shocking to be wounded thus!—
THE SURGEON AND THE HOUSE-PAINTERS.
A famous God-send certainly for us!
The Painters come-two summer-days they give
They fall upon the wainscot con a more.
The parlour 's done-you wouldn't know the room,
The hall look'd less, and put on tenfold gloom.
"There's no use doing things by halves, my dear,
But presently they slacken'd from their hurry
The Surgeon, who had had his fill
Of stench, and trembled for his bill,
Saw day by day, with aggravated loathing,
And helping one another to do nothing;
As a great favour, when they meant to go.
Why," quoth the honest man, scratching his nob,
The Surgeon storm'd and swore, but took the hint,
And to his patients at the Plough dispenses,
No, no," he mutters, "they shall be
ADVANTAGES OF HAVING NO HEAD!
The very head and front of my offending
Hath this extent-no more.
I HATE the man who can never see more than one side of a question-who has but a single idea, and that perhaps a wrong one.-No; I adopt an impression zealously, perhaps erroneously, but I forget not the "audi alteram partem." I can plead my own cause; but I have not given myself a retaining fee; I am therefore open to conviction, and forward to acknow
ledge all that may be reasonably claimed by my opponents. Candour and liberality are my motto, in the spirit of which I begin with confessing, that there are occasions when that bulbous excrescence termed a head may be deemed a handy appendage. As a peg to hang hats on-as a barber's block for supporting wigs, or a milliner's for showing off bonnets—as a target for shooting at when rendered conspicuous by a shining helmet-as a snuff-box or a chatter-box-as a machine for stretching nightcaps, or fitting into a guillotine, or for shaking when we have nothing to say: in all these capacities it is indisputably a most useful piece of household furniture. Yet, as far as my own experience goes, its inconveniences so fearfully predominate over its accommodations, that if I could not have been born a column without any capital, made compact and comfortable by an ante-natal decollation, I would at least have chosen to draw my first breath among
"The Anthropophagi, and men whose heads
that by carrying mine adversary in this manner, locked up as it were in mine own chest, I might keep him in as good subjection as St. Patrick did when he swam across the Liffey, and be the better enabled to stomach whatever miseries he might entail upon me.
Away with the hackneyed boast so pompously put forth by simpletons who have no pretensions to the distinction they claim for the race-that man only has a reasoning head! Tant pis pour lui. If he possess this fine privilege, he treats it as worldlings sometimes