Journal 'You would be better to tell him not to come at all, as his company is not wanted. I overheard him say last night to that empty-headed chum of his, that I was an old fossil! Worse still, he said: "That old fogey Blend has a pile of cash; but he is a miserable old skin-flint, and won't part with it." That was gratitude for you, after finishing a couple of bottles of my old Burgundy and smoking half-a-dozen of my finest cigars. He is an impudent scamp.' "There surely must be some mistake,' urged his wife. Charlie would never say that.' 'He did, though,' retorted Josiah angrily; 'I'm quite certain. Better tell him never to come here again.' I would rather not, if it please you,' reasonably replied his wife; 'it would be very unnatural for me to do so.' 'You consider it more natural that I should be abused in my own house!' cried Josiah, now at a white-heat. Am I to understand you positively refuse to do so?' 'Well, I do not refuse,' replied Barbara, with considerable tact, going over and kissing him affectionately on the cheek-'I do not absolutely refuse; but I most respectfully decline!' Josiah was forced to smile at his wife's equivocation, and resolved to do the thing himself. He did it neatly too. He wrote to Charlie, saying, that in future it would be esteemed a favour if at any time he intended calling, he would send intimation of his intention beforehand, to prevent disappointment.' Charlie took the hint, and did not call again. A few months after this, Josiah caught a slight cold, and got otherwise out of sorts, so that the doctor ordered him to go down the Clyde, for change of air. It so fell out that Barbara's mother took seriously ill at the same time; and as Barbara was an only daughter, she had to remain at her mother's bedside, and permit her husband to go away alone, of course on the understanding, that when her mother got better, she would at once hasten to her goodman. Josiah went to a certain town on the coast which we shall call L, and engaged rooms with his old friend Mrs Meikle. During the first week, he did not improve, though Mrs Meikle was very attentive. Several letters passed between man and wife, so that Barbara was advised as to his condition, and not a little anxious about him; but her mother was still dangerously ill. Next week, her mother rallied, but Josiah got worse. At last he had a severe bilious attack, and was confined to bed, so that the presence of his wife was imperatively necessary. He instructed Mrs Meikle to telegraph for her; and this was the telegram which was delivered to his wife: 'MRS MEIKLE, L—, To MRS BLEND, Woodburn House, Glasgow. Your husband is dead. Come down at once.' Great consternation was the result. On the previous day, Mrs Blend had received a piteous note from Josiah, saying he was very ill,' and stating that he had been 'vomiting frequently,' and that his head was 'splitting; so that she never questioned the accuracy of the telegram. Neither did her father, nor her cousin Charlie, who was sent for in the emergency. She was fearfully shocked at the unexpected intelligence, and rendered well-nigh helpless; while the two men sagely shook their heads, and attempted to console her with some reflections on the liability of old age to sudden death, which were well meant, but unfortunately ineffective. Charlie undertook -as of course he was expected to do-all the arrangements in connection with the funeral. He went to the cemetery that afternoon, and ordered the grave to be opened in three days; he put the usual notices in the papers; issued the customary black-bordered announcements; went to the undertaker's, and ordered a handsome coffin to be taken down to L, by the first train in the morning; and indeed, did everything necessary with his usual business-like promptitude and despatch. Then he went to the Telegraph Office, and forwarded this message: 'CHARLES ROBINSON, Woodburn House, Glasgow, To MRS MEIKLE, L- --Telegram received. first train to-morrow. Mrs Blend very much grieved. Will be down by Do best you can till then.' Mrs Meikle read the message to Josiah, who smiled sweetly at his wife's loving concern and wifely anxiety. It was very good of her to be 'much grieved,' and to ask Mrs Meikle to do all she could for him. Mrs Meikle noticed his pleased expression, and jocularly observed that he seemed to be getting better even with the thought of her coming down, and had no doubt that a sight of her would do him more good than all the medicine he had taken. In the morning, he felt so well that he got up; but his happy anticipations of his wife's arrival did not last long. Lifting the telegram, which Mrs Meikle had left lying on the table, he read it, and was horrified to discover— what Mrs Meikle had failed to read on the previous evening-that the message was not from his wife, but from the hated Charlie Robinson. The demon of jealousy took possession of his old soul, and dread suspicion set him on the rack of mental torture. 'Charlie Robinson at Woodburn House!' exclaimed he to himself. Has he actually been there all the time I have been away? I believe her mother's illness has been merely a blind; and yet the telegram says she is grieved, very much grieved." Ay, ay, that must be because she has to come away from his delightful society. They will have had a fine time of it, calling one another "Dear Charlie" and "Dear Babs." Well, this is the last straw, and no mistake. I'll make both of them suffer, or my name's not Josiah.' These and similar thoughts occupied the convalescent merchant fully till the arrival of the train. That same morning, Mrs Blend and Charlie took their places in the train. Mrs Blend had spent a sleepless night, and had been regretting over and her husband in his last illness. She was dressed over again that she had not been permitted to see in deep mourning; her heart was very sad, and her mind was filled with thoughts too deep for words.' Her cousin, the merry and talkative Charlie, had tied a crape band upon his arm, and he too was sympathetically silent. The two undertaker's men and the coffin were also in the train. Charlie thought, and rightly too, that however well adapted the West Coast might be for supplying the necessaries of life, a coffin of a suitable size and material was not a thing that could be obtained there on the shortest notice. laugh in my face, you vile scamp!' roared Josiah, That was his reason for taking one down with picking up a carpet footstool and hurling it at bim, in order to bring the body up to town. Charlie's heal, while the latter ducked, as the The four persons formed a melancholy proces-swirling footstool with projectile force swept the sion to the house of Mrs Meikle. Barbara leaned dressing-table clear of its ornaments. heavily on Charlie's arm, while genuine tears of sorrow chased one another down her blanched cheeks; and the two men followed discreetly at a distance, with the coffin on their shoulders. Mrs Meikle opened the door, and grasped both of them by the hand warmly, observing that it 'was a fine day;' but neither of them could reciprocate her greeting, and therefore sadly and silently shook hands. Without another word, Mrs Meikle showed them up-stairs, and they summoned all the courage at their command to enter the gloomy chamber of death. Charlie quietly and gently pushed the door open, and ushered in his cousin. She entered, and lifted her eyes to the bed; but it was vacant. Then she looked wildly about the room, and there was her worthy husband in the flesh and in life, standing at the window in his dressing-gown, grimly looking down on the coffin which the two men had upon their shoulders at the gate below. With a fiercely angry glare he turned upon his wife. Her widow's weeds and the coffin showed there was some monstrously strange thing afoot. He was about to speak, when his wife uttered a piercing scream, and sank fainting to the floor. Out of my sight!' screamed Josiah, now fairly demented. The young man still hesitated, hoping to explain; but Josiah seized the poker, and would have used it as a projectile, had not Charlie, still convulsed, fled precipitately down-stairs and out at the front door. When he got there, he requested the two men to carry the coffin back to the station; and afterwards adjourned with them to the only hotel in the place, to explain, and laugh immoderately at this most amusing misunderstanding. Meanwhile, Josiah helped Mrs Meikle to put his unconscious wife to bed. Thereafter, he hurriedly donned his apparel, threw on his overcoat, and rushed off down-stairs. Where are you going?' inquired Mrs Meikle, who had sent for a doctor. 'Going? I'm going to my lawyer in Glasgow to get a divorce. I'll not stand tricks like these,' cried Josiah, as he angrily flung himself out and violently slanimed the door behind him. At the station, he got a Herald, where he read : On the 21st instant, suddenly, at L, in the sixtieth year of his age, Mr Josiah Blend, much regretted.' Much regretted! m'hm,' muttered the old man sneeringly. 'A month or two would have seen the two cousins married. Oh, I see it all, I see it all!' The two men, heedless of the fallen Barbara, stared at each other for a moment; Josiah, with mingled hate, contempt, and jealousy; Charlie, with open-mouthed wonder and astonishment. Josiah's busy brain rapidly found a possible explanation. They intend,' thought he, in my When he arrived in town, as he was crossing weak and nervous condition, to kill me by the the streets on his way home, he met his old friend shock of viewing my own coffin, and the prepara- Mr Maxton. 'Dear me, is that yon, Josiah ? tions they have made for my funeral.' But he felt❘ You are advertised as dead in to-day's papers.' strong and able to outwit them. What is the meaning of all this?' exclaimed the irate Josiah to the thunder-struck Charlie. Who is the coffin for? Eh?' 'It's all a mistake' began Charlie, in a conciliatory tone. All a mistake, is it?' roared the infuriated old man, on whom contending passions and tumultuous thoughts were beginning to tell. All a mistake, is it?' repeated he, attempting to get within striking distance of Charlie. I should rather think it was a mistake that I am alive and -and-kicking.' Charlie dodged round the table, to escape the blow which the fierce Josiah aimed at him with his foot. 'It is a mistake,' cried Charlie once more, across the table. The message ' "Confound you and the message!' yelled the aged one, continuing the chase. Nothing would please you better than to see me in my grave. Get out of the room, you confounded whelp!' Charlie got cool, as Josiah's fury increased. He was struck with the ridiculousness of running and dodging each other round the table; and then, when he thought of the coffin at the door, he could no longer suppress a fit of uncontrollable laughter. • Hear me a moment,' gasped Charlie with tears of laughter coursing down his cheeks-one moment, Mr Blend, and I'll explain. It's really very ludicrous! That coffin down below makes me' 'You would bury me alive, would you, and 'Get out of my way, you old fool!' replied the reckless one, his temper in no degree improved by his journey up to town. So saying, he tore along the street, leaving Mr Maxton gazing after him in speechless amazement. When he arrived at his house, the servant who opened the door nearly jumped out of her skin with fright; but Josiah pushed past her, and marched into the parlour, where a few male and female friends were assembled, presumably for the purpose of condoling with the widow upon her expected return to Glasgow. They received Josiah at first in silent astonishment; but immediately afterwards with a hearty cheer, which was the first thing to make him think an error had been made, and that there was no intention to kill him with fear. The shaking of hands and the subsequent explanations tended to cool down his wrath; and as the fever of excitement left him, he began to feel his weakness and physical prostration returning, and ultimately was compelled to accept the situation with the best grace possible under the circumstances. When the telegram was shown to him, he went to the Postmaster to demand an explanation, an apology, and compensation for loss and damage. 'Look here!' said he. 'I was bad with a bilious attack, and got my landlady to send this telegram: "Your husband is bad; come down at once." One of your operators made it dead, and thereby caused a most frightful misunderstanding. I think you will admit,' said Josiah, with studied severity of Journal tone, there is a very great difference between matter-of-fact, and the latter conspicuously defibeing bad and being dead?' cient in manly self-possession, the matter under Yes; there is a great difference certainly,' consideration-whether on account of difference replied the Postmaster pleasantly; and I'm glad the mistake is not the other way; for if you had been dead, instead of bad, I would not have been favoured with this visit.' Josiah had not looked at the error in that light; but not wanting to acknowledge the Postmaster's urbanity too readily, he replied: "That's all very well; but it does not explain one of the most stupid blunders I ever heard of. The clerk should be horsewhipped!' I am exceedingly sorry the mistake has been made; but if you will bear with me a moment, I'll explain. The difference between "bad" and "dead" is not very great in the telegraph alphabet; it is altogether in what is technically called Spacing. According to the dot and dash system of telegraphy,' continued the Postmaster, who took pencil and paper to illustrate it, 'the word "bad" is thus written and spaced : b the word "dead: " d e. a. a d d in wealth or degree, or fifty other probable motives of uncertainty is often one of such delicacy that it would involve, for nineteen out of every twenty suitors, a very considerable amount of hesitation and doubt. Irresolute swains should, however, bear in mind that 'faint heart never won fair lady;' and their reticence would surely be overcome if they reflected for a moment on Shakspeare's dictum : That man that hath a tongue, I say, is no man, If with his tongue he cannot win a woman. Constitutionally timid men might, if necessary, resort to some such expedient as that of the youth whose bashfulness would not admit of his proposing directly to the object of his affections, but who at length summoned up sufficient courage to lift the young lady's cat and say: 'Pussy, may I have your mistress?' To which the young lady very naturally and cleverly responded: Say yes, pussy.' Bashfulness on the part of lovers, and want of courage being exactly the same number of beats or dots and in connection with popping the momentous quesdashes; and when telegraphed thus: you will observe there is, after all, only the difference of a dot. I am glad, however, that the dot has turned out to be in your favour.' I am very much obliged to you,' said Josiah, for your lucid explanation. I pray you, however, to call the clerk's attention to the matter. Had I known it might have been an unconscious error, instead of a grossly careless one, I would not have troubled you. Good afternoon!' With this explanation, Josiah was pacified and pleased. He restored Mrs Blend, on her return from the West Coast, to her former position as queen of his heart; but though he regrets his hasty violence, he has not yet quite conquered his aversion to Charlie Robinson. POPPING THE QUESTION. POPPING the question is in many instances a very simple and easy affair. Long intimacy and a tacit understanding have prepared the way and reduced to a minimum the difficulties of the situation. The proposal has been anticipated, and, to all intents and purposes, accepted, long before it is made; and the formal declaration is a source of neither embarrassment and anxiety on the one hand, nor surprise and indecision on the other. Even without these advantageous conditions, some men have no more difficulty about a proposal of marriage than they have about any ordinary business negotiation; just as, on the other hand, there are some who would be overwhelmed with bashfulness and confusion under the most favourable circumstances. At the same time that the former may appear too tion, have formed the subject of many a story. Here is one. A gentleman had long been paying attention to a young lady whom he was very anxious to marry, but to whom he had never ventured to declare his passion. When opportunity offered, his courage deserted him, and when he was resolved to speak, the fair one never could be found alone or disengaged. Driven to desperation, he one day succeeded in accomplishing his purpose in a somewhat remarkable manner, at a dinner-party. To most people, a dinner-party would hardly seem the most suitable occasion for overtures of this description, especially when, as in this instance, the lady is seated at the opposite side of the table from her admirer. The latter, however, was equal to the occasion. Tearing a leaf from his pocket-book, he wrote on it, under cover of the table: "Will you be my wife? Write Yes or No at the foot of this.' Calling a servant, he asked him in a whisper to take the slip-which, of course, was carefully folded and directed-to 'the lady in blue opposite.' The servant did as requested; and the gentleman, in an agony of suspense, watched him give it to the lady, and fixed his eyes, with badly disguised eagerness, to try and judge from her expression how the quaintly made offer was that ladies seldom carry pencils about them at received. He had forgotten one thing-namely, a dinner-party. The beloved one was, however, not to be baffled by so trifling an obstacle. reading the note calmly, she turned to the servant and said: "Tell the gentleman, Yes.' They were married in due course. After The difficulty of proposing to the young lady is not always the most serious one the suitor has spective mother-in-law, or asking papa,' is freto encounter. Popping the question to one's proquently the more arduous undertaking of the two. When Professor Aytoun was wooing Miss Wilson, daughter of Professor Wilson, the famous 'Christopher North,' he obtained the lady's con sent conditionally on that of her father being secured. This Aytoun was much too shy to ask, and he prevailed upon the young lady herself to conduct the necessary negotiations. 'We must deal tenderly with his feelings,' said glorious old Christopher. 'I'll write my reply on a slip of paper, and pin it to the back of your frock.' Papa's answer is on the back of my dress,' said Miss Jane as she entered the drawingroom. Turning her round, the delighted Professor read these words: With the author's compliments.' The language in which a proposal ought to be made is a point which has exercised the minds of lovers more than most others connected with their suit. In plays and novels, as a rule the hero asks the heroine to be his wife in flowery and romantic expressions, even if he does not throw himself at her feet and indulge in a wild outburst of impassioned adoration. It is not too much to say that in real life proposals are seldom, if ever, made after this fashion; indeed, any young man who ventured to go through such a performance would be pretty sure to get laughed at for his pains. In Lord Beaconsfield's last novel, an eccentric old nobleman pops the question in the following matter-of-fact language: 'I wonder if anything would ever induce you to marry me?' This was evidently intended as a fresh illustration of Lord Montford's eccentricity; but it is really much nearer the terms in which the average man proposes, than is the average proposal of the novelist. The Americans, we know, carry everything to extremes, and we are told that the New York young men have reduced the formula of the critical proposition to a couple of words Let's consolidate.' Nothing, however, could be neater or more ingenious than the proposal of the Irishman, who thus addressed the rustic beauty upon whom he had set his affections: Biddy, darlint, they've been tellin' me there's too many of us in the worrld. Now, if you an' me get the praste to make us two wan, troth an' wouldn't there be wan the less?' glass. After this, the father hands a piece of raw meat to the young man, who eats it, and then takes a piece from the floor, eats half, and presents the other half, under his left arm, to the girl to finish. She in turn takes a piece of meat from the floor, eats half, and hands the other half, under her right arm, to the young man to finish. This extraordinary ceremonial would appear to complete the transaction, and may be regarded as synonymous with our engagement. The feasting and other ritual necessary to ratify the contract generally take place soon or immediately after wards. The most fitting occasion for a proposal of marriage is another point to which lovers attach no little importance, and rightly so, for an inopportune suit would in all probability prove unsuccessful. The great aim should be to hit the tide which in the affairs of love, as in those of men, 'leads on to fortune.' A romantic situation or surroundings have generally been regarded as peculiarly appropriate to the proposition of the all-important question. There is on record at least one instance of a proposal having been made in a balloon while soaring up into the empyrean; and numerous engagements have no doubt been made under equally novel and romantic circumstances. The lover, however, who waits for an occasion of this kind may find himself forestalled by another who has wisely taken advantage of the first favourable opportunity. So you would not take me to be twenty?' said a young lady to her partner, while dancing the polka one evening. What would you take me for then?' 'For better, for worse,' replied he; and he was accepted. Here is another case in point. Riding home from the hounds after a certain famous county meet, a lady observed to her companion: 'Why should we not marry, Sir John?'Ah!' said Sir John, 'that is what I have often thought myself.' And married they were. The latter anecdote recalls the controversy which has so often been waged as to whether it is competent for a lady to pop the question. Without entering into that question, even SO far as the leap-year prerogative is concerned, we shall simply quote an interesting example, the heroine being no other than the wife of Different customs prevail in different countries in this as in other matters. A curious ceremony, for example, is associated with popping the question among the Samoyedes of Russia. When M. de Lesseps. This distinguished lady was at a young Samoyede desires to marry, and has come to an understanding with the damsel of his choice, he visits her father, and, with a short stick, taps him, and then the mother of the maiden, on the shoulder. He then demands the girl in marriage, and offers the father and mother a glass of vodka which he has brought with him. As a token of his good-will, the father drinks the vodka; he tells the young man he has no objection, but that he must ask the girl's consent. A few days later the young man comes again, this time accompanied by what servants he has, and provided with plenty of vodka. His retinue remain outside while he enters the room and seats himself by the side of his lady-love. The father hands the young man a glass of vodka; he drinks half, and hands the half-full glass, under his left arm, to the girl, who finishes the draught. The father then gives his daughter a glass of vodka, and she in like manner drinks half of it, and presents the remainder, with her left hand under her right arm, to her lover, who drains the La Chesnaye, when all Europe was astir about The Marquis of Lorne conversing recently on Canada as a field for emigration, observed to the present writer that young women who went out to that country would get an offer of marriage about every day. Apropos of this remark, we may cite the following brief anecdotes, which graphically illustrate the rapid progress that matrimonial negotiations make in real emigrant life. 'How did you manage to win her affections so quickly, Dan?' asked one settler of another. The recipe's worth knowing.' 66 'Oh, that's simple enough,' replied Dan. 'The first night I arrived at the lodging-house at Auckland, I found myself sitting next to a young woman at supper, who I soon found was one of the newly arrived emigrants. I looked her over, and saw a round, strong, cheery-looking lass, with a laughing face, and thought she'd do. I didn't know how to go foolin' around her to find a soft place, but just spoke a word or two with her, and when we come out into the passage, I gives her a squeeze and a kiss. Says she: "How dare You?" Says I: "I wants to marry you, my dear."-"Marry me!" says she, laughing. "Why, I don't know you." No more do I you, my dear," says I; "so that makes it all fair and equal"-She didn't know how to put a stopper on that, so she only laughed and said she couldn't think of it. "Not think of it?" says I, artful like; "not when you've come all those thousands of miles for the purpose?". "What do you mean?" says she, starting. "Come now," says I, "don't tell me. I knows what's what. When a man immigrationises, it's to get work; when a woman immigrationises, it's to get married. You may say so at once."Well, she wriggled a bit; but we were spliced two days afterwards.' in years, One day, a widower from New York State The same business carried him over to De Witt, appeared in Lansing, Michigan, on business. eight miles away. When en route, he stopped at a log farmhouse to warm his cold fingers. He was warmly welcomed by the pioneer and his wife, both of whom were well up and after some general talk, the woman asked Am I right in thinking you are a widower?' 'Yes.'-'Did you come out here to find a wife?? Partly. Did anybody tell you of our Susie?' 'No.' 'Well, we've got as bouncing a girl of twenty-two as you ever set eyes on. She's goodlooking, healthy, and good-tempered, and I think she'll like your looks.' 'Where is she?'-'Over in the woods here, chopping down a coon-tree. Shall I blow the horn for her?' No; if you'll keep an eye on my horse, I'll find her.'-Well, there's nothing stuck-up or affected about our Susie. She'll say Yes or No as soon as she looks you over. If you want her, don't be afraid to say so.' The stranger heard the sound of her axe, and followed it. He found her just as the tree was ready to fall. She was a stout, good-looking girl, swinging her axe like a man; and in other two minutes he was saying: 'Susie, I'm a widower from New York State; I'm thirty-nine years old, have one child, own a good farm, and I want a wife. Will you go back home with me?' She leaned on the axe, and looked at him for half a minute, and then replied: 'Can't say for certain; just wait till I get these coons off my mind.' She sent the tree crashing to earth; and, with his help, killed five coons, which were stowed away in a hollow. 'Well, what do you say?' he asked, as the last coon stopped kicking. 'I'm yours,' was the reply; and by the time you get back from De Witt, I'll have these skins off the coons and tucked up, and be ready for the preacher.' He returned to the house, told the old folks that he would bring the preacher back with him, and at dusk the twain were married. Hardly an hour had been wasted in courting, yet he took home one of the best girls in the State of Michigan. Before a man makes a proposal of marriage, he ought to consider well the answer he is likely to receive, as well as how he is prepared to reply to certain queries which may be asked of him in return-such, for example, as that of the young lady who, though Scarce for emotion could she speak, In these days of Married Women's Property Bills, when the 'equality of the sexes' is so stoutly contended for in this and other respects, the lady takes a much more active share in the negotiation of such matters than in former days. However secure a woman may seek to make her position in the matrimonial firm, it is not often that she avows at the outset her intention to act as general manager throughout in the direction of affairs. This occurred, however, in the case of a boating friend of ours, who recently asked a pretty but somewhat strong-minded young lady to row in the same boat' with him for life. On one condition,' she promptly answered; 'and conclusion quote the following sage advice, which, that is—I steer.' For the benefit of rejected lovers, we shall in with some modification in very exceptional cases, they would do well to follow: If a girl once refuses to marry you, don't make a noodle of yourself by hanging around her and persisting in your suit; for if you do cause her to relent, and she becomes your wife, you will never hear the last of your courting pertinacity as long as your The safest way, in nineteen wedded life lasts. cases out of twenty, is to take a girl at her word.' A GOOD DIGESTION. THE largest measure of human happiness, it has been truly said, results from a perfect digestion. In the race of life, a sufferer from dyspepsia (indigestion) is not only heavily burdened, but the infirmity of temper begotten by the ailment so overshadows and warps what may naturally be a fine disposition, that he ofttimes becomes a nuisance not only to himself, but also to his friends. A bad or indifferent digestion begets bad or indifferent work, for the simple reason that the sufferer is unable to work up to his own powers. Whether a man be poet or printer, statesman or stationer, he can never hope to make his mark in the world, or live comfortably |