Being nothing less than wet to skin
Where he might find a welcome inn.
"No inns there are,” replied the clown,
""Twixt this and yonder market town,
Seven miles, north-west, across the heath,
And wind and rain are in your teeth!
But, if so be, Sir, you will go
To yon old hall upon the brow,

You'll find free entertainment there-
Down beds, and rare Old English fare;
Of beef and mutton, fowl and fish,
As good as any man can wish;
Warm stabling too, and corn and hay,
Yet not a penny have to pay !

'Tis true, Sir, I have heard it said,"

d And here he grinn'd and scratch'd his head-
"The gentleman that keeps the house,
Tho' ev'ry freedom he allows,

And is o'er night, so woundy civil,
You'd swear he never dreamt of evil;
Orders, next morn, his servant, John,
With Cat-o'-nine-tails to lay on

"

Full twenty strokes, most duly counted,
On man and master, ere they're mounted!
"With Cat-o'-nine-tails!- -Oh!" cried Jerry,
"That I were safe at Edmund's Bury"

Our Squire spurr'd on as clown directed;
-This offer might not be rejected;
Poor Jerry's prayers could not dissuade :
The Squire more curious than afraid,
Arrives and rings. The footman runs;
The master, with his wife and sons,
Descend the hall, and bid him enter;
Give him dry clothes, and beg he'll venture
To take a glass of Cogniac brandy;

And he who hated words to bandy,

The supposed rustic dialect and manners of the peasant should be imitated.

d Let the action be here suited to the word.

e Jerry's cowardly fear should be strongly depicted by the countenance as well as expressed by the voice, though not unaccompanied with a touch of the ludicrous.

In idle compliment'ry speeches,

The brandy took, and eke, the breeches.
The liquor drunk, the garments changed,
The family round the fire arranged,
The mistress begg'd to know if he
Chose coffee, chocolate, or tea;
The Squire replied, sans hesitation,
Or teasing, trite expostulation--
f "A dish of coffee and a toast!"
The mistress smiled: th' enraptur'd host,
Cried- "Sir, I like your frankness much!
This house is yours; pray think it such
While here you stay; 'tis my request,
And you shall be a welcome guest.
Sans ceremony I would live,
And what I have I freely give."

Tea ended; once again our host

Demanded

Sir, of boil'd or roast,

Fish, flesh, or fowl, do you prefer

For supper?"

66 Why, indeed, good Sir,

Roast duck I love.". With good green peas?"

"Yes dearest madam, if you please !

"Well said!

-now while it's getting ready,

"Agreed!

We two, my eldest son, and lady,
Will take a hand at whist?"-
And soon they cut for deal and lead.

But, now to cramp my lengthen'd tale—
Whether the Squire drank wine, or ale,
Or how he slept, or what he said,
Or how much gave to man or maid,
Or what, the while, became of Jerry,
'Mong footmen blithe and maidens merry;
Description here we can't admit—

For "Brevity's the soul of wit."
Suffice to say-the morn arrived;
Jerry, of senses half deprived,

The tone and manner of the Gentleman are easy and unembarrassed. The tone of voice of the Host should differ from that of the Visitor, and he should be made to evince the open, friendly manner inseparable from Old English Hospitality.

The lady's voice should be here mimicked.

Horses from stable saw led out;
Trembled, and skulk'd, and peer'd about;
And felt, already, every thwack
Of cat-o'-nine tails on his back.

Each word, each action, was a blunder:
But O! how great his joy and wonder!
The stirrups held, the horses cross'd;
When forth the hostess and the host,
With smiles instead of lashes smarting,
Came out to take a cup at parting;
Bestowing a thousand welcomes on 'em
Unfeign'd, for all the honour done 'em ;
Of thanks, what language could afford ;
Of cat-o'-nine-tails,—not one word.
Mutual civilities repaid,

The Squire had turn'd his horse's head,
To gallop off; yet his desire

Grew, every moment, high'r and high'r,
While bidding thus his last adieu,
To ask, if what he'd heard were true ;-
For, not alone the clown had said
The reckoning must in stripes be paid,
But, one o' th' footmen,-whom he, slily,
O'er night, interrogated,-drily
Confirm'd th' aforesaid peasant's tale;
And said, his master would not fail,
Next morn, to bid, in furious passion,
Strong John lay twenty times the lash on;
Determined then, to ease his doubt,
E'en tho' it bred a flogging bout
-Of that, howe'er, to be sincere,
He was not very much in fear-
Once more he turn'd his horse's head,
And to his host thus smiling said—-
"Last night, a peasant told me, here,
As I have found, was noble cheer,
But added, ere this morn I went,
You'd drub me to my heart's content,
Yet this you have not put in act;
Is it a fiction or a fact,

After such kindness you've express'd
You thus take Jeave of every guest?

And how, if still a rule you've kept it,
Have I deserved to be excepted ?"

"Sir," answer'd he, "'tis very true,
No stranger e'er went hence, but you,
Who bore not on his well carved bark,
Of cat-o'-nine-tails many a mark !
None yet deserved-or I'm mistaken-
That pity e'er should spare their bacon:
i A set of tiresome, troublesome knaves,
Of bowing, fawning, lying slaves!
If a man ask'd what they'd prefer-
"Oh! I love any thing, good Sir!"
"Would you choose coffee, Sir, or tea?"
"Dear Ma'am, its all the same to me!"
"For beef, or mutton, give your voice?"
66 Upon my
honour I've no choice!"

"There's Cheshire, Sir, and Glos'ter cheese; Which shall I send you?' "Which you please! 1" Curse on their cringing complaisance

I've tutor'd some of them to dance

Such steps as they ne'er learned in France.

But you, good Sir, or I misdeem,
Deserve an honest man's esteem ;
Your frankness, Sir, I call polite,
I never spent a happier night;
And whensoe'er this road you come,
I hope you'll make my house your home;
Nay, more; I likewise hope, henceforth,
To rank a man of so much worth

Among my friends."-" Sir," said the Squire,
""Tis what I ardently desire.

Not twenty miles from hence, my house,

At which your sons, yourself, and spouse

Shall find such hospitality,

As kindly you have shewn to me."

This requires a sneer of Contempt.

The affected tone and manner of the reply must be mimicked throughout, and be made to contrast with the natural openness and friendtiness of the Host and Hostess.

This should be uttered with a feeling of warmth approaching to Anger.

The bargain struck, our Squire and Jerry,
Again proceed for town of Bury.
And now the reader may, with ease,
Extract this moral if he please—
Politeness, cannot e'er become
Impertinent and troublesome;

His breeding good he soonest proves,
Who soonest tells you what he loves;
And who, in rapid eloquence,
Their wordy compliments dispense,
Have more servility than sense.

HOLCROFT

LAPSUS LINGUÆ.

It chanced one day, so I've been told,
(The story is not very old,)

As Will and Tom, two servants able,
Were waiting at their master's table,
Tom brought a fine fat turkey in,
The sumptuous dinner to begin:
Then Will appear'd-superbly cook'd,
A tongue upon the platter smoked;
When, oh! sad fate! he struck the door,
And tumbled flat upon the floor.

The servants stared, the guests look'd down,
When quick uprising with a frown,
The master cried, a Sirrah! I say

Begone, nor wait a single day,

You stupid cur! you've spoiled the feast,
How can another tongue be dress'd?"
While thus the master storm'd and roar'd,
Will, who with wit was somewhat stored,
(For he by no means was a fool,
Some Latin too he'd learnt at school,)
Said, (thinking he might change disgrace
For laughter, and thus save his place,)

a This should be uttered with a severe look, and an angry tone of voice.