This wight ventripotent was dining,
Once at the Grocers' Hall, and lining
With calipee and calipash

That tomb omnivorous-his paunch,
Then on the haunch

Inflicting many a horrid gash;
When having swallowed six or seven
Pounds, he fell into a mood

Of such supreme beatitude
That it reminded him of heaven,

And he began with mighty bonhommie
To talk Astronomy.

a "Sir," he exclaimed between his bumpers,
Copernicus and Tycho Brahe

And all those chaps have had their day,
They've written monstrous lies, Sir, thumpers.
b Move round the sun ?—its talking treason,
The earth stands still-it stands to reason.
Round as a globe? stuff-humbug--fable !
It's a flat sphere, like this here table,
And the sun overhangs this sphere,
Ay-just like that there chandelier."
"But," quoth his neighbour, "when the sun
From east to west his course has run;
How comes it that he shews his face
Next morning in his former place?"
"Ho! there's a pretty question truly,"
Replied our wight, with an unruly
Burst of laughter and delight;

So much his triumph seem'd to please him,
Why, blockhead! he goes back at night,
And that's the reason no one sees him."

HORACE SMITH.

a The Alderman's part should be spoken with a thick voice, and in a positive manner, with much Affectation of learning.

This will require an air of Ridicule, with a sneer of Contempt.

KING CANUTE AND HIS NOBLES.

CANUTE was by his nobles taught to fancy,
That by a kind of royal necromancy,

He had the power Old Ocean to control :
a Down rush'd the Royal Dane upon the strand,
And issued like a Soloman command-
b Poor soul!

"Go back, ye waves, you blust'ring rogues!" quoth he, "Touch not your Lord and Master, Sea;

For by my powerful vengeance, if you do,' Then staring vengeance, out he held a stick, Vowing to drive Old Ocean to old Nick,

Should he e'en wet the latchet of his shoe.

d Old Sea retired -the monarch fierce rush'd on, And look'd as if he'd drive him from the land; But Sea, not caring to be put upon,

Made for a moment a bold stand:

Not only make a stand did Mister Ocean,
But to his honest waves he made a motion,

And bade them give the King a hearty trimming:
The order seem'd a deal the waves to tickle,
For soon they put his Majesty in pickle,

And set his Royalties-like geese -a swimming.

All hands aloft! with one tremendous roar,
Soon did they make him wish himself on shore:
e His head and ears most handsomely they doused;
Just like a porpus, with one general shout,
The waves so tumbled the poor King about-
No mackarel e'er was half so soused.

a The Speaker should here take a hurried step forward. b "Poor Soul," requires a sneer of Contempt.

c Canute's address should be spoken in an authoritative tone, and with much pomposity of manner.

The Speaker may here draw back a step, rushing forwards immediately after, assuming much mock Dignity.

e The King's disastrous reception by the Ocean should be described in a broad, farcical manner.

At length to land he crawl'd, a half drown'd thing,
Indeed more like a crab than like a King,

And found his courtiers making f rueful faces
But what said Canute to the lords and gentry,
Who hail'd him from the water, on his entry,
All trembling for their lives-or places ?
"My Lords and Gentlemen, by your advice,
I've had with Mr. Sea a pretty tustle,
My treatment from my foe, not over nice,
Just made a jest for ev'ry shrimp and muscle.
A pretty trick for one of my dominion !—
My Lords, I thank you for your great opinion,
You'll tell me, perhaps, I've only lost one game,
And bid me try another-for the rubber,—
Permit me to inform you all with shame,

That you're a set of KNAVES, and I'm a LUBBER."
PETER PINDAR.

f This should be spoken with much mock Gravity.

This ludicrous address will require a strong colouring of mock Majesty.

THE PIG.*

Jacob! I do not love to see thy nose
Turned up in scornful curve at yonder Pig.
It would be well, my friend, if we like him
Were perfect in our nature! why dislike
The sow-born grunter? He is obstinate,
Thou answerest; ugly; and the filthiest beast
That banquets upon offal. Now, I pray you
Hear the Pig's Counsel.

Is he obstinate?
We must not, Jacob, be deceived by words,
By sophist sounds. A democratic beast,
He knows that his unmerciful drivers seek

This piece requires a considerable degree of mock Gravity, with a peculiar archness of manner, preserving at the same time the tone of argument.

Their profit and not his. He hath not learnt
That pigs were made for man, born to be brawn'd
And baconized; that he must please to give
Just what his gracious masters please to take,
Perhaps his tusks, the weapons Nature gave
For self-defence, the general privilege;

Perhaps, hark Jacob! didst thou hear that horn? Woe to the young posterity of pork!

Their enemy is at hand.

Again-Thou say'st

The Pig is ugly. Jacob, look at him!
Those eyes have taught the lover flattery.
-nay Jacob! Jacob! were it fair

His face,

To judge a Lady in her dishabille?

Fancy it drest, and with saltpetre rouged.
Behold his tail, my friend, with curls like that
The wanton hop marries her stately spouse;
So crisp in beauty Amoretta's hair

Rings round her lover's soul the chains of love.
And what is beauty but the aptitude

Of parts harmonious? Give thy fancy scope
And thou wilt find that no imagined change

Can beautify this beast.

Place at his end

The starry glory of the Peacock's pride,

Give him the Swan's white breast; for his horn hoofs,

Shape such a foot and ankle as the waves

Crowded in eager rivalry to kiss

When Venus from th' enamoured sea arose ;

Jacob, thou canst but make a monster of him ;
All alteration man could think would mar

His Pig perfection.

The last charge-he lives

A dirty life. Here I could shelter him

With noble and right reverend precedents,
And shew, by sanction of authority,
That 'tis a very honourable thing

To thrive by dirty ways. But let me rest
On better ground the unanswerable defence;
The Pig is a philosoper, who knows

No prejudice.

Dirt? Jacob, what is dirt?

If matter, why the delicate dish that tempts
An o'ergorged Epicure to the last morsel,
That stuffs him to the throat-gates is no more.
If matter be not, but as Sages say,
Spirit is all, and all things visible
Are one, but to infinity modified,

Think, Jacob, what that Pig is, and the mire
Wherein he stands knee-deep.

And there! that breeze
Pleads with me, and has won thee to the smile
That speaks conviction. O'er yon blossom'd field
Of beans it came, and thoughts of bacon rise.

SOUTHEY.

A SCHOOL FOR POLITENESS.

a Once on a time, as I've heard say—
(I neither know the year, nor day)
The rain distill'd from many a cloud,
The night was dark, the wind blew loud,
A country Squire, without a guide,
Where roads were bad, and heath was wide,
Attended by his servant Jerry,

Was travelling tow'rds the town of Bury

The Squire had ne'er been bred in courts;
But yet was held, as fame reports,
Tho' he to wit made no pretence,
A Squire of more than common sense.
Jerry, who courage could not boast,
Thought every sheep he saw a ghost;
b And most devoutly pray'd, he might
Escape the terrors of the night!

As they approach'd the common's side,
A peasant's cottage they espied;
There, riding up, our weary Squire

Held it most prudent to inquire,

a The Narrative part of this Tale should be delivered in a gay and lively manner.

This requires a colouring of mock Solemnity.