COMIC

PIECES FOR RECITATION.

VAT YOU PLEASE.*

Some years ago when civil faction

Raged like a fury through the fields of Gaul; And children, in the general distraction,

Were taught to curse as soon as they could squall.
When common sense in common folks was dead,
And murder shew'd a love of nationality,
And France determin'd not to have a head,
Decapitated all the higher class

To put folks more on an equality;
When coronets were not worth half a crown,
And liberty in Bonnet-rouge might pass
For Mother Red-Cap up at Camden town;
Full many a Frenchman then took wing,
Bidding soup-maigre an abrupt farewell,
And hither came pell-mell,

Sans cash, sans clothes, and almost sans every thing!
Two Messieurs who about this time came over

Half-starved, but toujours gai,

(No weasels e'er were thinner,) Trudged up to town from Dover.

Their slender store exhausted in the way,
Extremely puzzled how to get a dinner.

*The Narrative part of this piece, (as well as of others of a similar nature,) should be spoken in a lively manner, and in the natural voice of the Speaker. There are three characters to be assumed; that of the Waiter, the Frenchman, and the Innkeeper. The Waiter should be made to exhibit an affectation of civility, with rather a hasty manner. The Frenchman should bow and cringe most obsequiously; and in the proper delineation of his character depends the chief humour of the piece. The Innkeeper is bluff and sturdy, and his strong voice should form a contrast with the slender tones of the Frenchman.

From morn till noon, from noon till dewy eve,
Our Frenchmen wandered on their expedition;
Great was their need, and sorely did they grieve,

Stomach and pocket in the same condition!
At length, by mutual consent they parted,
And different ways on the same errand started.

This happen'd on a day most dear

To Epicures, when gen'ral use

Sanctions the roasting of the sav'ry goose!
Tow'rds night, one Frenchman, at a tavern near,
Stopp'd, and beheld the glorious cheer;
While greedily he snuff'd the luscious gale in
That from the kitchen-windows was exhaling;
He instant set to work his busy brain,

And snuff'd and long'd, and long'd and snuff'd again. Necessity's the mother of invention,

(A proverb I've heard many mention,)

So now one moment saw his plan completed,
And our sly Frenchman at a table seated.

The ready waiter at his elbow stands

"Sir will you favour me with your commands, We've roast and boil'd, Sir, choose you those or these "Sare! you are very good, Sare! Vat you please!"

Quick at the word,

Upon the table smokes the wish'd-for bird!
No time in talking did he waste,

But pounced pell-mell upon it,

Drumstick and merry-thought he pick'd in haste,
Exulting in the merry-thought that won it!
Pie follows goose, and after pie comes cheese :—-
"Stilton or Cheshire, Sir?"-

Ah, vat you please!"

And now our Frenchman having ta'en his fill,
Prepares to go, when-
"Sir, your little bill."

Ah, vat you're Bill! vell Mr. Bill, good day! Bon jour, good Villiam."" No, Sir, stay, My name is Tom, Sir-you've this bill to pay." Pay, pay, ma Foi!

I call for noting, Sare-pardonnez moi !

You bring me vat you call your goose, your cheese,
You ask-a me to eat-I tell you, Vat you please!

Down came the master, each explained the case,
The one with cursing, t'other with grimace,
But Boniface who dearly lov'd a jest,
(Although sometimes he dearly paid for it)

And finding nothing could be done, (you know,
That when a man has got no money,

To make him pay some would be rather funny)
Of a bad bargain made the best,
Acknowledg'd much was to be said for it;
Took pity on the Frenchman's meagre face,
And Briton-like forgave a fallen foe,
Laugh'd heartily and let him go.
Our Frenchman's hunger thus subdued,
Away he trotted in a merry mood;

When turning round the corner of a street,
Who, but his countryman he chanced to meet !
To him, with many a shrug and many a grin,
He told him how he had taken Jean Bull in!
Fired with the tale, the other licks his chops,
Makes his congee, and seeks this shop of shops.
Ent'ring, he seats himself, just at his ease,
"What will you take, Sir?"- "Vat you please !”
The waiter look'd as pale as Paris plaster,

And, upstairs running, thus address'd his Master:
"These vile Mounseers come over sure in pairs;
Sir, there's another 'vat you please!' down stairs."
This made the Landlord rather crusty,

Too much of one thing-the proverb's somewhat musty ·
Once to be done, his anger didn't touch,

But when a second time they tried the treason, It made him crusty, Sir, and with good reason, You would be crusty were you done so much. There is a kind of instrument

Which greatly helps a serious argument,

And which, when properly applied, occasions

Some most unpleasant tickling sensations!

'Twould make more clumsy folks than Frenchmen skip, "Twould strike you, presently, a stout Horsewhip.

This instrument our Maitre d Hote

Most carefully concealed beneath his coat;
And seeking instantly the Frenchman's station,
Address'd him with the usual salutation.

Our Frenchman bowing to his threadbare knees,
Determin'd while the iron's hot to strike it,
Pat with his lesson answers- ""
Vat you please!"
But scarcely had he let the sentence slip,
Than round his shoulders twines the pliant whip;
"Sare, Sare! ah, misericorde, parbleu!

Oh dear Monsieur, vat make you use me so? Vat call you dis?"- "Ah don't you know, That's what I please," says Bonny, "how d'ye like it? Your friend, although I paid dear for his funning, Deserv'd the goose he gain'd Sir, for his cunning; But you, Monsieur, or else my time I'm wasting, Are goose enough-and only wanted basting.'

YORKSHIRE ANGLING.*

It happen'd once that a young Yorkshire clown,
But newly come to far-famed London town,
Was gaping round at many a wond'rous sight,
Grinning at all he saw with vast delight,
Attended by his terrier, Tyke,

Who was as sharp, as sharp may be;
And thus the master and the dog, d'ye see,
Were very much alike.

After wand'ring far and wide,

And seeing all the streets and squares,
And Temple bar, and Cross's bears,
The Mansion house, the Regent's Park,
And all in which your Cocknies place their pride;
After being quizz'd by many a city spark,

In

This piece should be spoken in a lively, humoursome manner. the Narrative part, the Clown's " gaping round," and " grinning," should be imitated, and the broad rustic dialect of the Yorkshireman, should be made to contrast with the pert, flippant tone of the Fishmonger. In general, where there are two or more characters, the speaker should slightly vary his position in representing them; he might turn a little towards the right in giving one, and front, or turn a little towards the left in giving the other.

H

For coat of country cut and red-hair'd pate,
He came at length to noisy Billingsgate,

He saw the busy scene with mute surprise,
Opening his ears and eyes

At the loud clamour and the monstrous fish,
Hereafter doom'd to grace full many a dish.

Close by him was a turbot on a stall,

Who with stretch'd mouth as if to pant for breath, Seem'd in the agonies of death:

Said Andrew, "Pray what name d'ye that fish call ?” "A turbot 'tis," said the sarcastic elf,

"A flat you see so something like yourself." D'ye think," said Andrew, "that he'll bite?" Why," said the fellow, with a roguish grin,

66

"His mouth is open, put your finger in,

And then you'll know."" Why," replied the wight, "I should not like to try, but there's my Tyke Shall put his tail there an' ye like,”

66

'Agreed," rejoin'd the man, and laugh'd delight.

Within the turbot's teeth was plac'd the tail,
Who bit it too with all his might,

The dog no sooner felt the bite

Than off he ran, the fish still holding tight;
And though old Ling began to swear and rail,
After a number of escapes and dodgings,

Tyke safely got to Master Andrew's lodgings;
Who, when the fisherman in a passion flew,
Said, "Master, Lunnun tricks on me wont do,
I'se come from York, to queer such flats as you,
And Tyke my dog is Yorkshire too!"

Then laughing at the man he went away,
And had the fish for dinner that same day.