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opening description, and on the green sod was placed a marble slab, with this brief memorialLAURENTIUS CRABTREE
OBIIT A.D MDCCLXXXIV.
The school after his decease was deserted, and gradually became the melancholy ruin which it now appears. I could be very sentimental on the occasion, but am in a desperate hurry to come to the end of my story. Suffice it to say, that the Exciseman and French dancing-master still continued in the village; while the publican and Kenedy were appointed joint presidents of the club, in the room of the defunct pedagogue. As for Miss Deborah, she found that not even her brother's influence could preserve her reputation for chastity; but consoled herself by reflecting, that man is born to vilipend, as the sparks fly upwards. Feeling, however, that she was held in general contempt, she observed one day, that the Lord had commanded her to sojourn in a foreign land, whither she shortly afterwards retired, to the satisfaction of her kinsfolk and acquaintance.
And now gentle reader, my narrative is concluded; and if any one doubt its authenticity,
I tell him, if a Clergyman, he lies;
Should Captains the remark, or Critics make,
But the best way of ascertaining the fact, will be for the inquisitive reader to visit in person the scenes I have described. He will there find the Three Cups still in existence, and the remembrance of the Schoolmaster still cherished in the neighbourhood. Nay, so fresh is his memory, that a few years since his ghost was seen by one of his old pupils to stalk through the school room, with the intention, no doubt, of looking after his Phædrus, which he requested should be buried with him. He was met by the parish-clerk, whom he interrogated in Latin, and electrified with his classical proficiency. "But this was no wonder," said a notorious wag in the village, "for a dead man would naturally wish to speak in a dead language."
THE BALL ROOM.
"Where modest females with unblushing face
THE long-expected evening has at last arrived, and Miss Eliza Gadabout, who was apprehensive that the day would never draw nigh, has just contrived to change her dress, and her opinions at the same time. Now her father's footman thunders at the door-and the family in a fashionable undress, appropriate apparel for a winter night, hurry away to the ball. Now the coach reaches the scene of invitation, and a little innocent, but slightly vociferous confabulation ensues between the rival charioteers. Now one Jehu is of opinion, that his opponent is a fool, and the other is possessed with a notion that the application of his whip would be useful. Now a boxing-bout ensues, in the midst whereof our party are ushered into the hall. Now
the footman, who is "a bit of a wag," turns the eyes of the company upon them, while the young lady blushes like a pink, and her papa like a daffodil. Now the dance commences, and the drawing room waxeth warm. Now our old gentleman is unable to conceive what the deuce is the matter with the men, when he finds his daughter still unprovided with a partner, while, in the heat of vexation, she utters divers philippics against dancing. Now "a nice young man" addresses her, and lo! she changes her opinion. Now the first two sets are over, and her partner is glad of his escape. Now the elders of the party, weary with the clattering of heels, agree to have an innocent game of cards; which they commence in good humor, and end in a passion. Now one old woman accuses her antagonist of false play, and he asks if she means to insinuate. Now she disclaims all insinuation, but is still of opinion that he cheated. Now the supper is announced, and down rush the party like a herd of swine. Now, in the hurry of confusion, a lean young gentleman thrusts his elbow into the ribs of an elderly man of twenty stone, who requests his neighbour to leave his hams to their right owner. Now the lean young gentleman intrudes deeper still into the haunches of his companion, who accordingly gives it up for a bad job, and submits in
solemn silence to the infliction. Now the supper room is attained, and the lady of the house is dosed with complimentary glasses of wine. Now the young gentlemen, inflamed by a few extra potations, inform the young ladies that they are vastly handsome-and the young ladies believe it. Now a dashing officer lays siege to an old dowager at the West end, who after the usual modicum of resistance surrenders at discretion. Now an elderly widow talks of her poor dear husband, and a wag at her elbow observes that he had a lucky escape in dying. Now says the same wag to another elderly gentlewoman at his left hand, "Pray, ma'am, who is that conceited quiz beside us?" "That, Sir!" shrieks the scared beldame, "is my daughter." On which the critic is seized with the most confirmed symptoms of penitence. Now amid such frivolous chit-chat, the party adjourn to the drawing room, and the dance is resumed-until the young men become enamoured, and the young ladies, instead of blushing behind their fans, dispense with so superfluous a ceremony. Now instead of dancing their partners prefer reeling, and reel with intoxicating but adroit obliquity. Now the hour arrives for the assembly to disperse, and the mummery is completed by day-break.
And such are the customary ingredients of a