Complaining forely of the breach

Of league, held forth by Brother Patch,
Against the articles in force
Between both churches, his and ours,
For which he crav'd the faints to render
Into his hands, or hang th' offender;
But they maturely having weigh'd
They had no more but him o' th' trade,
(A man that ferv'd them in a double
Capacity, to teach and coble)
Refolv'd to fpare him; yet to do
The Indian Hoghan Moghan too.
Impartial justice, in his ftead did
Hang an old weaver that was bedrid:
Then wherefore may not you be skipp'd,
And in your room another whipt?
For all philofophers, but the Sceptic,
Hold whipping may be fympathetic.

It is enough, quoth Hudibras,
Thou haft refolv'd and clear'd the cafe;
And canft, in confcience, not refufe,
From thy own doctrine to raise use:
I know thou wilt not (for my fake)
Be tender confcienc'd of thy back :
Then ftrip thee of thy carnal jarkin,
And give thy outward fellow a ferking;
For when thy veffel is new hoop'd,
All leaks of finning will be ftopp'd.

Quoth Ralpho, you mistake the matter,
For in all fcruples of this nature,
No man includes himfelf, nor turns
The point upon his own concerns.
As no man of his own felf catches
The itch, or amorous French aches;
So no man does himfelf convince,
By his own doctrine, of his fins:

And though all cry down felf, none means
His own felf in a literal fense:
Befides, it is not only foppish,
But vile, idolatrous, and Popish
For one man out of his own skin
To frisk and whip another's fin;
As pedants out of schoolboys' breeches
Do claw and curry their own itches,
But in this cafe it is profane,
And finful too, because in vain ;
For we must take our oaths upon it,
You did the deed, when I have done it.
Quoth Hudibras, That's anfwer'd foon;
Give us the whip, we'll lay it on.

Quoth Ralpho, That we may fwear true,
'Twere properer that I whipp'd you;
For when with your confent 'tis done,
The act is really your own.

Quoth Hudibras, It is in vain
(I fee) to argue 'gainst the grain.
Or like the ftars, incline men to
What they're averfe themselves to do:
For when difputes are weary'd out,
"Tis intereft ftill refolves the doubt:
But fince no reafon can confute ye,
I'll try to force you to your duty;
For fo it is, howe'er you mince it,
As, e'er we part, I fhall evince it ;

And curry (if you ftand out) whether You will or no, your ftubborn leather. Canft thou refufe to bear thy part

I' th' public work, base as thou art?
To higgle thus, for a few blows,
To gain thy Knight an op'lent spouse,
Whofe wealth his bowels yearn to purchase,
Merely for th' intereft of the churches?
And when he has it in his claws,
Will not be hide-bound to the caufe:
Nor fhalt thou find him a curmudgin,
If thou difpatch it without grudging:
If not, refolve, before we go,
That you and I must pull a crow.

Ye 'ad belt (quoth Ralpho) as the ancients Say wifely, Have a care o' th' main chance, And look before you e'er you leap;

For as you fow, you're like to reap:
And were you as good as George-a-Green,
I should make bold to turn agen;

Nor am I doubtful of the iffue
In a juft quarrel, and mine is fo.

Is 't fitting for a man of honour

To whip the faints, like Bithop Bonner?
A Knight t' ufurp the beadie's office,

For which y' are like to raise brave trophies?
But I advise you (not for fear,
But for your own fake) to forbear.
And for the churches, which may chance,
From hence, to fpring a variance,

And raife among themfelves new scruples,
Whom common danger hardly couples.
Remember how in arms and politics
We still have worfted all your holy tricks;
Trepann'd your party with intrigue,
And took your grandees down a peg:
New-modell'd th' army, and cashier'd
All chat to Legion Smec adher'd;
Made a mere utenfil o' your church,
And after left it in the lurch;

A fcaffold to build up our own,

And when we 'ad done with 't, pull'd it down ;
Capoch'd your Rabbins of the Synod,

And fnapp'd their Canons with a Why-not:
(Grave fynod-men, that were rever'd
For folid face, and depth of beard)
Their claffic model prov'd a maggot,
Their Direct'ry an Indian pagod;
And drown'd their difcipline like a kitteng
On which they 'ad been so long a fitting;
Decry'd it as a holy cheat,

Grown out of date and obfolete,
And all the faints of the firft grafs,
As caftling foals of Balaam's afs.

At this the Knight grew high in chafe,
And, ftaring furiously on Ralph,
He trembled, and look'd pale with ire,
Like afhes first, then red as fire.
Have I (quoth he) been ta'en in fight,
And for fo many moons lain by 't,
And when all other means did fail,
Have been exchang'd for tubs of ale?
Not but they thought me worth a ransom
Much more confid'rable and handsome,

But for their own fakes, and for fear
They were not fafe when I was there;
Now to be baffled by a scoundrel,
An upstart fect'ry, and a mongrel,
Such as breed out of peccant humours
Of our own church, like wens or tumours,
And, like a maggot in a fore,
Wou'd that which gave it life devour;
It never shall be done or faid:
With that he feiz'd upon his blade
And Ralpho too, as quick and bold,
Upon his basket-hilt laid hold,
With equal readiness prepar'd,

To draw, and stand upon his guard;
When both were parted on the sudden,
With hideous clamour, and a loud one,
As if all forts of noife had been
Contracted into one loud din:
Or that fome member to be chofen,
Had got the odds above a thousand;
And, by the greatnefs of his noife,
Prov'd fittest for his country s choice.
This ftrange furprifal put the Knight
And wrathful Squire into a fright;
And though they stood prepar'd, with fatal
Impetuous rancour, to join battle,
Both thought it was the wifeft courfe
To wave the fight, and mount to horse,
And to fecure, by fwift retreating,
Themselves from danger of worfe beating;
Yet neither of them would difparage,
By utt'ring of his mind, his courage,
Which made 'em ftoutly keep their ground,
With horror and disdain windbound.
And now the cause of all their fear,
By flow degrees approach'd so near,
They might diftinguish diff'rent noise
Of horns, and pans, and dogs, and boys,
And kettledrums, whofe fullen dub
Sounds like the hooping of a tub.
But when the fight appear'd in view,
They found it was an antique fhew;
A triumph that, for pomp and state,
Did proudest Romans emulate :
For as the Aldermen of Rome
Their foes at training overcome,
And not enlarging territory,
(As fome, mistaken, write, in story)
Being mounted in their best
array,

Upon a car, and who but they?

And follow'd with a world of tall lads,

That merry ditties troll'd, and ballads,

Did ride with many a Good-morrow,

Next pans

and kettles of all keys,

From trebles down to double base;
And after them upon a nag,

That might pafs for a forchand ftag,
A Cornet rode, and on his staff
A fmoke difplay'd did proudly wave;
Then bagpipes of the loudeft drones,
With fnuffling, broken-winded tones,
Whose blasts of air, in pockets shut,
Sound filthier than from the gut,
And makes a viler noife than fwine,
In windy weather, when they whine.
Next one upon a pair of panniers,

Full fraught with that which, for good manners,
Shall here be nameless, mixt with grains
Which he difpens'd among the fwains,
And bufily upon the crowd

At random round about bestow'd.
Then, mounted on a horned horse,
One bore a gauntlet and gilt spurs,
Ty'd to the pummel of a long fword
He held reverft, the point turn'd downward ;
Next after, on a raw-bon'd ftced,
The conqu'ror's Standardbearer rid,
And bore aloft before the champion
A petticoat difplay'd, and rampant;
Near whom the Amazon triumphant
Bestrid her beast, and on the rump on't
Sat face to tail, and bum to bum,
The warrior whilom overcome,
Arm'd with a fpindle and a distaff,
Which as he rode the made him twift off;
And when he loiter'd, o'er her shoulder
Chaftis'd the reformado foldier,
Before the Dame, and round about,
March'd whifflers, and staffiers on foot,
With lacquies, grooms, valets, and pages,
In fit and proper equipages;

Of whom fome torches bore, fome links,
Before the croud virago minx,

That was both Madam and a Don,
Like Nero's Sporus, or Pope Joan;
And at fit periods the whole rout
Set up their throats with clam'rous fhout,
The Knight tranfported, and the Squire,
Put up their weapons, and their ire;
And Hudibras, who us'd to ponder
On fuch fights with judicious wonder,
Could hold no longer to impart
His an'madverfions, for his heart.
Quoth he, in all my life, till now,
I ne'er faw fo profane a fhew;
It is a Paganish invention,

So when this triumph drew fo nigh,

They might particulars defcry,
They never faw two things fo pat,
In all refpects, as this and that,
First, he that led the cavalcate
Wore a fow-gelder's flagellate,
On which he blew as ftrong a levet,
As well-feed lawyer on his brev'ate,
When over one another's heads

They charge (three ranks at once) like Sweads.

And he who made it had read Goodwin,
Or Rofs, or Cælius Rhodogine,
With all the Grecian Speeds and Stows,
That best describe those ancient fhews;
And has obferv'd all fit decorums
We find defcrib'd by old historians:
For as the Roman conquerer,
That put an end to foreign war,
Ent'ring the town in triumph for it,
Bore a flave with him in his chariot

So this infulting female brave
Carries, behind her here, a flave:
And as the Ancients long ago,
When they in field defy'd the foe,
Hung out their mantles della guerre,
So her proud Standardbearer here,
Waves on his fpcar, in dreadful manner;
A Tyrian petticoat for banner.
Next links and torches, heretofore
Still borne before the emperor :
And as in antique triumph eggs
Were born for myftical intrigues;
There's one in truncheon, like a laddle,
That carries eggs too, fresh or addle;
And still at random, as he goes,
Among the rabble-rout beftows.

Quoth Ralpho, You miftake the matter;

For all th' antiquity you fmatter
Is but a riding us'd of course,

When The grey mare's the better horse When o'er the breeches greedy women Fight, to extend their vast dominion, And in the cause impatient Grizel

Has drubb'd her husband with bull's pizzle,
And brought him under Covert-baron,
To turn her vaffal with a murrain;
When wives their fexes fhift, like hares,
And ride their husbands, like night-mares,
And they in mortal battle vanquith'd,
Are of their charter difenfranchis'd,
And by the right of war, like gills,
Condemn'd to distaff, horns, and wheels:
For when men by their wives are cow'd,
Their horns of course are understood.

Quoth Hudibras, Thou still giv'st sentence,
Impertinently, and against fenfe:
'Tis not the leaft difparagement
To be defeated by th' event,
Nor to be beaten by main force;
That does not make a man the worse,
Although his fhoulders with battoon
Be claw'd and cudgell'd to fome tune.
A tailor's prentice has no hard
Measure, that's bang'd with a true yard;
But to turn tail, or run away,
And without blows give up the day;
Or to surrender e'er th' affault,
That's no man's fortune, but his fault;
And renders men of honour lefs
Than all the adverfity of fuccefs;
And only unto fuch this fhew
Of horns and petticoats is due.
There is a leffer profanation,

Like that the Romans call'd Ovation :
For as Ovation was allow'd

For conqueft purchas'd without blood;
So men decree thofe leffer fhews
For vict'ry gotten without blows,

By dint of sharp hard words, which fome
Give battle with, and overcome;
These mounted in a chair-curule,
Which Moderns call a Cuckling-ftool,
March proudly to the river's tide,
And o'er the waves in triumph ride;

Like dukes of Venice, who are fed
The Adriatic fea to wed;

And have a gentler wife than those
For whom the ftate decrees those fhews.
But both are Heathenith, and come
From th' Whores of Babylon and Rome,
And by the Saints fhould be withstood,
As antichriftian and lewd;

And we, as fuch, fhould now contribute
Our utmost strugglings to prohibit.
This faid, they both advanc'd, and rode
A dogtrot through the bawling crowd
T'attack the leader, and ftill prest
Till they approach'd him breast to breaft;
Then Hudibras, with face and hand,
Made figns for filence; which obtain'd,

What means (quoth he) this devil's proceffion With men of orthodox profeffion?

"Tis ethnic and idolatrous,

From Heathenifm deriv'd to us.

Does not the Whore of Bab'lon ride
Upon her horned Beaft aftride,
Like this proud Dame, who either is
A type of her, or fhe of this?

Are things of fuperftitious function,
Fit to be us'd in Gospel funfhiue?
It is an antichriftian opera,

Much us'd in midnight times of Popery;
Of running after felf-inventions
Of wicked and profane intentions;
To fcandalize that fex, for fcolding,
To whom the Saints are fo beholden.
Women, who were our first apoftles,
Without whofe aid we 'ad all been left elfe;
Women, that left no ftone unturn'd
In which the caufe might be concern'd;
Brought in their children's fpoons and whistles,
To purchase fwords, carbines, and pistols ;
Their husband's cullies, and sweethearts,
To take the Saints' and Churches' parts;
Drew fev'ral Gifted Brethren in,
That for the Bishops wou'd have been,
And fix'd 'em conftant to the party,
With motives powerful and hearty:
Their hufbands robb'd, and made hard fhifts
T'adminifter unto their Gifts

All they could rap, and rend, and pilfer,
To fcraps and ends of gold and filver;
Rubb'd down the teachers, tir'd and spent
With holding forth for Parl'ament;
Pamper'd and edify'd their zeal
With marrow puddings many a meal :
Enabled them, with ftore of meat,

On controverted points, to eat;

And cramm'd 'em, till their guts did ake,
With caudle, cuftard, and plumcake.
What have they done, or what left undone,
That might advance the Caufe at London?
March'd rank and file, with drum and enfign,

T' intrench the City for defence in :
Rais'd rampiers with their own foft hands,
To put th' Enemy to stands;
From ladies down to oyfterwenches
Labour'd like pioneers in trenches,

Fall'n to their pickaxes, and tools, And help'd the men to dig like moles. Have not the handmaids of the City Chofe of their Members a Committee, For raifing of a common purse,

Out of their wages, to raife horse?
And do they not as Triers fit,
To judge what officers are fit?
Have they - At that an egg let fly,
Hit him directly o'er the eye,
And running down his check, besmear'd,
With orange-tawny flime, his beard,
But beard and flime being of one hue,
The wound the lefs appear'd in view.
Then he that on the panniers rode,
Let fly on the other fide a load,
And quickly charg'd again gave fully,
In Ralpho's face, another volley.
The Knight was startled with the smell,
And for his fword began to feel;
And Ralpho, fmother'd with the stink,
Grafp'd his, when one that bore a link,
O' th' fudden clapp'd his flaming cudgel,
Like linftock, to the horses touch-hole;
And straight another, with his flambeau,
Gave Ralpho o'er the eyes a damn'd blow.
The beafts began to kick and fling,
And forc'd the rout to make a ring;
Through which they quickly broke their way,
And brought them off from further fray ;
And though disorder'd in retreat,
Each of them ftoutly kept his feat:
For quitting both their fwords and reins,

They grafp'd with all their strength the manes,
And, to avoid the foe's purfuit,
With fpurring put their cattle to 't,
And till all four were out of wind,
And danger too, ne'er look'd behind.
After they'd paus'd awhile, fupplying
Their fpirits, fpent with fight and flying,

And Hudibras recruited force
Of lungs, for action or discourse;

Quoth he, that man is fure to lose, That fouls his hands with dirty foes: For where no honour's to be gain'd, 'Tis thrown away in being maintain'd: 'Twas ill for us we had to do

With fo difhon'rable a foe:

For though the law of arms doth bar
The ufe of venom'd fhot in war,
Yet by the naufeous fmell, and noisom,
Their cafe-fhot favour ftrong of poison,
And doubtlefs have been chew'd with teeth
Of fome that had a stinking breath;
Elfe when we put it to the push,
They had not giv'n us fuch a brush :
But as thofe poltroons that fling durt
Do but defile but cannot hurt;
So all the honour they have won,
Or we have loft, is much at one.
'Twas well we made fo refolute
A brave retreat without purfuit;
For if we had not, we had fped
Much worse to be in triumph led;
Than which the ancients held no state
Of man's life more unfortunate.
But if this bold adventure e'er
Do chance to reach the widow's ear,
It may, being destin'd to assert
Her fex's honour, reach her heart:
And as fuch homely treats, (they say)
Portend good fortune, fo this may.
Vefpafian being daub'd with durt,
Was deftin'd to the empire for't;
And from a fcavinger did come
To be a mighty prince in Rome:
And why may not this foul addrefs
Prefage in love the fame fuccefs?

Then let us straight, to cleanse our wounds,
Advance in queft of nearest ponds;

And after (as we first design'd)

Swear I've perform'd what she enjoin'd.

DOUBTLESS the pleasure is as great
Of being cheated, as to cheat;
As lookers on feel most delight,
That least perceive a juggler's flight,
And still lefs they understand,
The more th' admire his flight of hand.
Some with a noise, a greafy light,
Are fnapt, as men catch larks by night,
Enfnar'd and hamper'd by the foul,
As nooses by the legs catch fowl.
Some with a med'cine and receipt
Are drawn to nibble at the bait;
And though it be a two-foot trout,
'Tis with a fingle hair pull'd out.

Others believe no voice t' an organ
So fweet as lawyer's in his bar-gown,
Until with fubtle cobweb-cheats
They're catch'd in knotted law, like nets;
In which, when once they are imbrangled,
The more they ftir, the more the're tangled;
And while their purfes can difpute,
There's
's no end of th' immortal fuit.

Others ftill grape t' anticipate The cabinet-defigns of Fate,

Apply to wizards, to forefee

What fhall, and what shall never be;
And as thofe vultures do forebode,
Believe events prove bad or good;
A flam more fenfeless than the roguery
Of old aurufpicy and aug'ry,
That out of garbages of cattle
Prefag'd th' events of truce or battle;
From flight of birds, or chickens pecking,
Succefs of great'st attempts wou'd reckon :
Though cheats, yet more intelligible,
Than those that with the stars do fribble.
This Hudibras by proof found true,
As in due time and place we'll fhew:
For he with beard and face made clean,
Being mounted on his fteed agen,
(And Ralpho got a cock-horfe too,
Upon his beast, with much ado)
Advanc'd on for the Widow's house,
T'acquit himself, and pay his vows;
When various thoughts began to bustle,
And with his inward man to juftle.
He thought what danger might accrue
if the should find he fwere untrue;