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Book V. LUDICROUS POEMS, &c.
285 “ And now my dream's out; for I was a-dream'd “ At last comes the troop, by the word of com“ That I saw a huge rat- dear, how I scream'd! “ And after, methought, I had lost my new fhoes; “ Drawn up in our court; when the Captain cries, “ And Molly, she said I should hear fome il! news. "" STAND!
“ Dear madam, had you but the spirit to teaze, “ Your Ladyship lifts up the fash to be seen, “ You might have a barrack whenever you please: (For sure I have dizen'd you out like a queen). " And, madam, I always believ'd you so itout, “ The Captain, to thew he is proud of the favour, “ That for twenty denials you would not give out. “ Looks up to your window, and cocks up his “ If I had a husband like him, I purtejt,
66 beaver “ Till he gave me my will, I would give him no “ (His beaver is cock'd; pray, madan, mark that, “ rest;
“ For a Captain of horse never takes off his hat, “ And, rather than come in the same pair of theets“ Because he has never a hand that is idle; “ With such a crois man, I would lie in the streets: “ For the right holds the sword, and the left holds “ But, madam, I beg you contrive and invent,
“ the bridle): “ And worry him out till he gives his consent. “ Then Aourishes thrice his îword in the air, “ Dear madam, whene'er of a barrack I think, “ As a compliment due to a lady so fair; “ An' I were to be hang'd, I can't feep a wink: “ (How I tremble to think of ine blood it hath * For if a new crotchet comes into my brain,
“ spilt!); “ I can't get it out, though I never fo fain. “ Then he lowers down the point, and kisses the “ I fancy already a barrack contriv'd
« hilt. “ At Hamilton's bawn, and the troop is arriv’d; “ Your Ladyship smiles, and thus you begin : « Of this to be sure Sir Arthur has warning, “ Pray, Captain, be pleas'd to alight and walk “And waits on the Captain betimes the next " in.'' “ inorning.
“ The Captain salutes you with congee profound, “ Now see, when they mect, how their Honours“ And your Ladyfhip curtsies half way to the
“ behave : “ Noble Captain, your servant.”- " Sir Arthur, “ Kit, run to your master, and bid him como
66 to us : « You honour me much.”- L" The honour is “ I'm sure he'l. be proud of the honour you do us. « mine."
“ And, Captain, you'll do us the farcur to itay; “ 'Twas a tad rainy night."~" But the morning “ And take a short dinner here with us to-day? “ is fine.”
“ You're heartily welcome; but as for good cheory “ Pray how does my Lady?"-"My wife’s at your “ You come in the very worst time of the year; fcrvice,"
“ If I had expected to worthy a guest “ I think I have seen her pi&ture by Jervas."- “ Lord ! madain! your lady ihip lure is in jest: “Good-morrow, good Captain. I'll wait on you “ You banter me, madam, the kingdom muf “ dovn.”
grant“ You Than't ftir a foot."-" You'll think me a “ You oficers, Captain, are so complaisant !" “ clown,
“ Hift, huily, I think I hear fomebody com“For all the world, Captain.”-“Not half an inch cv farther.”
“No, madain, 'tis only Sir Arthur a-humming. “ You must be obey'd !"_“Your servant, Sir “ To shorten my tale (for I hate a long story) « Arthur!
“ The Captain at dinner appears in his glory; “My humble respects to my Lady unknown.”. * The Dean and the Docior have humbled their “ I hope you will use my house as your own.
pride, “ Go bring me my Imock, and leave off your
" For the Captain's entreated to sit by your sides
“ And, because he's their betters, you carve for Thou hast certainly gotten a cup in thy patc."
* him first; “Pray, madam, be quict; what was it I faid: “ The parsons for envy are ready to burst. " You had like to have put it quiteout of my head." The fervants amaz’d are: fcarié cver able “ Next day, to be sure, the Captain will come, “ To keep oif their eyes, as they wait at the table: “ Arthc head of his troops,ivith trumpet and drum." And Molly and I have thrust in our nose “ Now, madam, observe how he marches in itate: “ To pcep at the Captain in all his fine clo’es. “The man with the kettle-drums enters the gate; “ Dear madai, be fure he's a fine fpoken man, • Dib, dub, adub, dub. The trumpeters follow, " Do but near on the Ciergy how glib his tongue “ Tantara, tantara ; while all the boys halloo. “ See now comes the Captain, all daub’d with “ And, madam,” says he, “ if such dinners you “gold luce:
"give, “O la! the sweet gentleman! look in his face; “ You'll ne'ırwant for Parsons as long as you live. « And see how he ridcs like a lord of the land, "I ne'er knew a parlon without a good nole; “With the fine fiaming sword that he holds ir " But the Devil's as welcome wherever he goes : « his land;
G-on ne ! they bid us jeform and repent, “ And his horse, tic dear creter, it prances and rears, But, z--ds! by their looks they never keep ® With ribbons io knots at its tail and its cars :
"doth not displease us."
• Mister Curate, for all your grave looks, I'm 38. On the Death of Dr. Szift. Occasioned in (6 afraid
reading the following Maxim in Rochefoucauli, “ You cast a sheep's eye on her ladyship's maid : “ Dans l'adversité de nos meilleurs amis
, man “ I wish she would lend you her pretty white hand “ trouvons toujours quelque choje qui me 2623 “ In mending your calock, and smoothing your deplaist pas." « band
" In the adverlicy of our best friends, we always find someti ter “ (For the Dean was so shabby, and look'd like a “ ninny,
S Rochefoucault his maxims drew “ That the Captain suppos'd he was curate to From nature, I believe them true: “ Jinny).
They argue no corrupted mind “ Whenever you see a casock and gown, In him; the fault is in mankind. « A hundred to one but it covers a clown.
This maxim more than all the rest « Observe how a Parson comes into a rooms Is thought too base for human breast : « G-d-n me! he hobbles as bad as my groom: “ In ali distresses of our friends, “ A scollard, when just from his college broke loose, “ We first confuit eur private ends ; “ Can hardly tell how to cry bo to a goole : “ While nature, kindly bent to ease us, “ Your * Novels, and Blutuks, and Omurs, and “ Points out some circumstance to please us." 66 Ituff,
If this perhaps your patience move, “ By G-, they don't signify this pinch of snuff; | Let rcalon and experience prove. “ To give a young gentleman right education, We all behold with envious eyes “ The army's the only good school in the nation: Our equals rais d above our fize. “ My schoolmaster call'd me a dunce and a fool, Who would not at a crowded show “ But at cuffs I was always the cock of the Stand high himself, keep others low? «« school;
I love my friend as well as you: "! I never could take to my book for the blood But why should be obstruct my view?
Then let me have the higher post ; “ And the puppy confess’d he expected no good Suppose it but an inch at most.
If in a battle you should find “ He caught me one morning coquetting his wife, One, whom you love of all mankind, “ But he mauld me, I ne'er was so maul'd in my Had some heroic action done, “ life :
A champion kill'd, or trophy won ; « So I took to the road; and what's very odd, Rather than thus be over-topt, “ The first man I robb’d was a Parson, by G-. Would you not with his laurels cropt? “ Now, madam, you'll think it a strange thing to Dear honest Ned is in the gout,
Lies rack'd with pain, and you without: “ But the lylit of a book makes me fick to this How patiently you hear nim groan !
How glad the case is not your own! « Never lince I was born did I hear so much What poet would not grieve to see 66 wir ;
His brother write as well as he? “ And, madam, I laugh'd till I thought I should But, rather than they should excel,
Would wish his rivals all in hell.
Vain human kind! fantastic race !
Their empire in our hearts divide.
Tu Pope I cannot read a line,
When he can in one couplet fix " Come hither, and take this old gown for your More sense than I can do in fix,
It gives me such a jealous fit, “ But the Dean, if this secret should come to his I cry, “ Pos take him, and his wit!" ears,
I grieve to be outdone by Gay « Will never have done with his jibes and his In my own humorous biting way. “ jeers :
Arbuthnot is no more my
friend, “ For your life, not a word of the matter, I who dares to irony pretend, « charge ye :
Which I was born to introduce, “ Give me but a barrack, a fig for the clergy.” Refin’d it firít, and thew'd its use. * Ovids, Plutarchs, Homeri,
St. John, as well as Pulteney, knows
(When daily how-d'ye's come of course, That I had some repute for prose;
And servants answer, “ Worse and worse !") And, till they drove me out of dates
Would please them better, than to tell Could maul á minister of state.
That, “God be prais'd, the Dean is well." If they have mortified my pride,
Then he, who prophehed the best,
Approves his forelight to the rest :
“ And often told you fo at first.” To all my foes, dear Fortune, send
He'd rather choose that I should die, Thy gifts, but never to my friend :
Than his predictions prove a lye. I tamely can endure the first;
Not one foretels I thall recover;
But all agree to give me over.
Just in the parts where I complain;
How many a message would he send ! Must by the course of nature die ;
What hearty pray’rs that I should mendi When, I foresee, my special friends
Inquire what regimen I kept ; Will try to find their private ends :
What gave me eate, and how I Nept! And, though 'tis hardly understood
And more lament when I was dead, Which way my death can do them good, Than all the snivelers round iny bed. Yet thus, methinks, I hear them speak :
My good companions, never fear; “ See how the Dean begins to break!
For though you may mistake a year, “ Poor gentleman, he droops apace !
Though your prognoftics run too fast, “ You plainly find it in his face.
They must be verified at laft. “ That old vertigo in his head
Behold the fatal day arrive ! “ Will never leave him till he's dead.
“ How is the Dean:"_" He's just alive." “ Besides, his memory decays:
Now the departing pray'r is read; “ He recoilects not what he says:
He hardly breathes—the Dean is dead ! “ He cannot call his friends to mind;
Before the palling-bell begun, “ Forgets the place where last he din’d; The news through half the town is run. “ Plies you with stories o'er and o’er;
“O! may we all for death prepare ! “ He told them fifty times before.
“ What has he left? and who's his hcir ? “ How does he fancy we can sit
"I know no more than what the news is; “ To hear his out-of-fashion wit?
“ 'Tis all bequeath'd to public uses. “ But he takes up with younger folks,
“ To public uses ! there's a whim! “ Who for his wine will bear his jokes. “ What had the public done for him? “ Faith! he must make his stories shorter, “ Mere envy, avarice, and pride! “ Or change his comrades once a quarter : “ He gave it all--but first he died. « In half the time he talks them round,
“ And had the Dean, in all the nation, “ There must another fet be found.
“ No worthy friend, no poor relation? “ For poetry he's past his prime :
“ So ready to do strangers good, “ He takes an hour to find a rhyme ;
“ Forgetting his own Aeth and blood !” “ His fire is out, his wit decay'd,
Now Grub-street wits are all employd; “ His fancy funk, his Muse a jade.
With elegies the town is cloy'd : “ I'd have him throw away his pen ;
Some paragraph in every paper, “ But there's no talking to some men !"
To curse the Dean, or bless the Drapier, And then their tenderness appears
The doctors, tender of their fame, By adding largely to my years:
Wisely on me lay all the blame. “ He's older than he would be reckon'd, “ We must confess his case was nice ; “ And well remembers Charles the Second. “ But he would never take advice. “ He hardly drinks a pint of wine ;
6. Had he been ruld, for aught appears, “ And that, I doubt, is no good fign.
- He might have liv’d these twenty years. “ His stomach too begins to fail:
“ For, when we open’d him, we found “ Last year we thought him strong and hale; “ That all his vital parts were found.” “ But now he's quite another thing :
From Dublin foon to London spread, “ I with he may held out till spring!”
'Tis rold at court, “ The Dean is dead.'. They hug themselves, and reason thus: And Lady Suffolk ", in the spleen, “ It is not yet fo bad with us!”
Runs laughing up to tell the Queen. In such a case, they talk in tropes,
The Queen, fo gracious, mild, and good, And by their fears express their hopes.
Cries, “ Is he gone? 'tis time he shou'd. Some great misfortune to portend,
“ He's dead, you say? then let him rot; No enemy can match a friend.
“ I'm glad the medals † were forgot. With all the kindncf; they profess,
.“ I promis'd him, I own ; but when? The merit of a lucky guess
I only was the Princess then : * Mrs. Howard, at one time a favourite with the Dean. + Which the Dean in vain expected in return for a Imall prefent he had sent to the Princess.
“ But now, as confort of the King,
Seine country 'Cquire to Lintot goes,
Inquires for Swift in verse and proc.
Says Lintot, “ I have heard the name;
“ He died a year ago?"-" The fame."
He searches all the Shop in vain.
Sir, you may find them in Durkulane :
“) fent them with a load of books, “ And in his place my good friend Will! “ Last Monday, to the paitry-cook's
. " Or had a mitre on his head,
“ To fancy they could live a year!
“ I find you're but a stranger here.
“ I keep no antiquated stuff;
“ But Ipick and span I have enough.
Pray do but give me leave to thew 'em:
“ Here's Colley Cibber's birth-day pocne
“ This ode you never yet have seen, How those I love my death lament.
“ By Stephen Duck, upon the Queen, Poor Pope will grieve a' month, and Gay “ Then here's a letter finely penn'd A week, and Arbuthnot a day.
“ Against the Craftsman and his friend: St. Joby himself will scarce forbear
“ It clearly shews that all reflection To bite his pen, and drop a tear.
« On ministers is disaffeétion: The fest will give a shrug, and cry,
“ Next, here's Sir Robert's vindication, “ I'm sorry--but we all must die !"
“ And Mr. Henley's last oration. Indifference, clad in Wisdom's guise,
“ The hawkers have not got them yet: All fortitude of mind supplies :
“ Your Honour please to buy a fet? Fer how can stony bowels melt
“ Here's Wolfton's tracts, the twelfth edition; In those who never pity felt
“ 'Tis read by every politician : H'hen we are laih'd, they kiss the rod,
“ The country-members, when in town, Refigning to the will of God.
“ To all their boroughs send them down: The teoli, my juniors by a year,
“ You never met a thing fo finart; Arc tortur'd with fulpeole and fear;
“ The courtiers have them all by heart:
“ Those maids of honour who can read
My female friends, whoti tender hearts • He doth an honour to his gown,
" By bravely running priestcraft down:
He ihews, as sure as God's in Gloucelery
6 That all his miracles were chcats,
“ Perform'd as jugglers do their feats. ** Six Deans, they fay, must bear the pall: “ The church had never such a writer : "" (I wish I knew what king to call).
“ A lhame he hath not got a mitre!". “Madam, your husband will attend
Suppole me dead; and then suppose " The funeral of so good a friend ?
A club affeinbled at the Rose ; * No, Madam, 'tis a shocking light;
Where, from discourse of this and that, “ And he's engag'd to-morrow night :
grow the subject of their chat. * Ms Lady Club will take it ill
And while they toss my name about, “ If he should fail her at quadrille,
With favour foine, and some without;
One, quite indifferent in the cause,
“ The Dean, if we believe report,
“ Was never ill receiv'd at court.
" He tham'd the fool, and lash'd the knare;
“ To steal a bint was never known, No faither mention of the Dean;
“ But what he writ was all his own. ll'ho now, alas! no inore is miti'd,
"Sir, I have heard another story: Tian if he never did exift.
“ He was a most confounded Tory; Where's now the favourite of Apollo?
“And grow, or he is much belied, Departed-and his works must follow;
“ Extremely dull before he died.” Must undergo the common fare ;
“ Can we the Drapier then forget? Wis kind of wit is out of date.
“ Is not our nation in his debt ?
TH * Wollon is here conscunded with Woolafton.
«« 'Twas he that writ the Drapier's Letters !” “ Would rather flip aside, and chule
“ He should have left them for his betters ; " To talk with wits in dirty shocs ; “ We had a hundred abler men,
“ And scorn thie tools with stars and garteris “ Nor nced depend upon his pen.
“ So often feen carefsing Chartres. Say what you will about his reading,
“ He never courted men in station, “ You never can defend his breeding;
“ No persons held in admiration; “ Who, in his satires running riot,
" Of fo man's greatnels was afraid, “ Could never leave the world in quiet ; “ Because he fought for no man's aid. Attacking, when he took the whim,
“ Though trusted long in great affairs, “ Court, city, camp-all one to him.
“ He gave himself no naughty airs : “ But why ihould he, except he jobber'd, “ Without regarding private ends, “ Offend our patriot, great Sir Robert,
“ Spent a!! his credit for his friends : “ Whole counseis aid thc sovereign pow'r “ And only chose the wise and good; “ To save the nation every hour?
“ No Aatterers, no allies in blood : “ What feencs of evil he unravels
" But succour'à virtue in distress, " In satiros, libels, lying travels :
“ And seldom fail'd of good success ; “ Not sparing his own clergy cloth;
“ As numbers in their hearts must own, “ But cats into it, like a moth!”
“ Who, but for him, had been unknown, " Perhaps I may allow the Dean
“ He kept with princes due decorum; “ Had too much satire in his vein,
“ Yet never stood in awe before 'em. & And seem'd determin'd not to starve it, “ He follow'd David's lesson just; “ Becaule no age could more deserve it. “ In princes never put his trust; “ Yet malice never was his aims
“ And, would you make hiin truly sour, “ He lath'd the vice, but spar'd the name, “ Provoke him with a llave in pow'r. “ No individual could resent,
“ The Irish fenate if you nam'd, “ Where thousands cqually were meant : “ With what impatience he declaim'd! " His fatire points at no defect
« Fair LIBERTY was all his cry; But what all mortals may correct;
“ For her he food prepar'd to die; “ For he abhorr'd the senseless tribe
“ For her he boldly food alone; " Who call it humour when they jibe :
“ For her he oft expos'd his own. " He spar'd a hump, or crooked nule,
“ Two kingdoms, just as faction led, “ Whose owners set not up for beaux.
“ Had set a price upon his head; " True genuine dulness mov'd his pity,
" But not a traitor could be found, “ Unlels it offer'd to be wirty.
“ To fell him for six hundred pound. “ Those who their ignorance confess’d,
“ Had he but spar'd his tongue and peng " He ne'er offended with a jeft;
“ He inight have role like other men: " But laugh'd to hear an idiot quote
“ But pow'r was never in his thought, “ A vertc from Horace lcarn’a by rote.
“ And wealth he valued not a groat : « Vice, if it e'er can be abalh’d,
“ Ingratitude he often found, “ Must be or ridicul'd or lath'd.
“ And pitied those who meant the wound: " If relent it, who's to blame?
“ But kept the tenor of his mind, “ He neither knows you, nor your name.
“ To merit well of human-kind : “ Should vice expect to 'scape rebuke,
“ Nor made a sacrifice of those " Because its owner is a duke?
“ Who still weće true, to please his foes. “ His friendships, still to few confin'd,
“ Hc labour'd many a fruitless hour, “ Were always of the middling kind;
“ To reconcile his friends in pow'r ; " No fools of rank or mongrel breed,
“ Saw mischief by a faction brewing, “Who fain would pass for lords indeed: “ While they pursued each other's ruin. “ Where ritles give no right or pow'r,
“ But, finding vain was all bis care, “ And peerage is a wither d Aow'r;
“ He left the court in mere despair. “ He would have deem'd it a disgrace,
“ And, O! how short are huinan schemes ! “ If such a wretch had known his face.
“ Here ended all our golden dreams. " On' rural squires, that kingdom's bane,
“ What St. John's skill in state affairs, “ He venred oft his wrath in vain.
6 What Ormond's valour, Oxford's cares, fquires to market brought; “ To save their finking country lent, • Who sell their souls and ***** for nought; “ Was all destroy'd by one event. u The go joyful back,
“ Too foon that precious life was ended, “ To rob the church, their tenants rack,
" On which alone our weal depended. " Go snacks with **** justices,
" When up a dangerous faction starts, “ And keep the peace to pick up fees :
“ With wrath and vengeance in their hearts; * In every job to have a share,
“ By folcmn league and covenant bound, “ A gaol or turnpike to repair ;
“ To ruin, Naughter, and confound; to public roads
" To turn religion to a fable, " Commodious to their own abodes.
“ And make the government a Babel; " He never thought an honour done him, " Pervert the laws, disgrace the gown, “ Because a peer was proud to own him; " Corrupt the senate, rob the crown ;
" And turn