with fome difficulty, and one of the foot men wiped me as clean as he could with his handkerchief, for I was filthily bemired, and my nurfe confined me to my box till we returned home; where the queen was foon informed of what had passed, and the footmen fpread it about the court; fo that all the mirth for fome days was at my expence.

CHA P. VI*.

Several contrivances of the author to please the king and queen. He fhews his fkill in mufic. The king enquires into the fate of England, which the author relates to him. The king's obfervations thereon.

I used to attend the king's levee once or twice a week, and had often seen him under the barber's hand, which indeed was at first very terrible to behold: for the razor was almost twice as long as an ordinary feythe. His majefty, according to the cuftom of the country, was only fhaved twice a week. I once prevailed on the barber to give me fome of the fuds or lather, out of which I picked forty or fifty of the ftrongest stumps of hair. I then took a piece of fine wood, and cut it like the back of a comb, making feveral holes in it at equal distance with as fmall a needle as I could get from Glumdalclitch. I fixed in the stumps fo artificially, fcraping and floping them with my knife towards the point, that I made a very tolerable comb; which was a feasonable fupply, my own being fo much broken in the teeth, that it was almost useless: neither did I know any artist in that country fo nice and exact, as would undertake to make me another,

And this puts me in mind of an amufement, wherein I spent many of my leifure hours. I defired the queen's woman to fave for me the combings of her majefty's hair, whereof in time I got a good quantity, and confulting with my friend the cabinet-maker, who had received general orders to do little jobs for me, I directed

*In this chapter he gives an account of the political state of Europe ORRERY.

This is a mistake of the noble commentator,

for Gulliver has here given a political account of no country but England: it is however a

mistake to which any commentator would have been liable, who had read little more than the titles or contents of the chapters into which this work is divided; for the word Europe has in fome English, and all the Irish, editions been printed in the title of this chapter, instead of England.

him to make two chair-frames, no larger than those I had in my box, and then to bore little holes with a fine awl round thofe parts where I defigned the backs and feats; through thefe holes I wove the ftrongest hairs I could pick out, juft after the manner of cane-chairs in England. When they were finished, I made a prefent of them to her majesty, who kept them in her cabinet, and used to fhew them for curiofities, as indeed they were the wonder of every one that beheld them. The queen would have had me fit upon one of thefe chairs, but I abfolutely refufed to obey her, protefting I would rather die a thoufand deaths than place a difhonourable part of my body on thofe precious hairs that once adorned her majesty's head. Of these hairs (as I had always a mechanical genius) I likewife made a neat little purfe about five feet long, with her majesty's name decyphered in gold letters, which

gave to Glumdalclitch by the queen's confent. To say the truth, it was more for fhew than ufe, being not of ftrength to bear the weight of the larger coins, and therefore fhe kept nothing in it but fome little toys that girls are fond of.

The king, who delighted in mufic, had frequent concerts at court, to which I was fometimes carried, and fet in my box on a table to hear them: but the noife was fo great, that. I could hardly diftinguish the tunes. I am confident that all the drums and trumpets of a royal army, beating and founding together juft at your ears, could not equal it. My practice was to have my box removed from the place where the performers fat, as far as I could, then to fhut the doors and windows of it, and draw the window-curtains; after which I found their mufic not disagreeable.

I had learnt in my youth to play a little upon the fpinet. Glumdalclitch kept one in her chamber, and a mafter attended twice a week to teach her: I called it a fpinet, because it fomewhat resembled that inftrument, and was played upon in the fame manner. A fancy came into my head, that I would entertain the king and queen But this appeared extremely difficult: for with an English tune upon this inftrument. the spinet was near fixty feet long, each key being almost a foot wide, fo that with my arms extended I could not reach to above five keys, and to prefs them down required a good smart ftroke with my fift, which would be too great a labour, and to no purpose. The method I contrived

Was

was this: I prepared two round fticks about the bignefs of common cudgels; they were thicker at one end than the other, and I covered the thicker ends with a piece of a moufe's fkin, that, by rapping on them, I might neither damage the tops of the keys, nor interrupt the found. Before the spinet a bench was placed about four feet below the keys, and I was put upon the bench. I ran fideling upon it that way and this, as fast as I could, banging the proper keys with my two flicks, and made a thift to play a jig to the great fatisfaction of both their majefties: but it was the most violent exercise I ever underwent, and yet I could not ftrike above fixteen keys, nor coniequently play the bafs and treble together, as other artists do, which was a great disadvantage to my performance.

The king, who, as I before obferved, was a prince of excellent understanding, would frequently order that I fhould be brought in my box, and fet upon the table in his clofet; he would then command me to bring one of my chairs out of the box, and fit down within three yards diftance upon the top of the cabinet, which brought me almoft to a level with his face. In this manner I had several conversations with him. I one day took the freedom to tell his majefty, that the contempt he difcovered towards Europe, and the rest of the world, did not feem anfwerable to thofe excellent qualities of mind that he was mafter of: that reafon did not extend itself with the bulk of the body; on the contrary, we obferved in our country, that the talleft perfons were ufually leaft provided with it: that, among other animals, bees and ants had the reputation of more industry, art, and fagacity, than many of the larger kinds; and that, as inconfiderable as he took me to be, I hoped I might live to do his majefty fome fignal fervice. The king heard me with attention, and began to conceive a much better opinion of me than he had ever before. He defired I would give him as exact an account of the government of England as I poffibly could; becaufe, as fond as princes commonly are of their own customs (for fo he conjectured of other monarchs by my former difcourfes) he fhould be glad to hear of any thing that might deferve imitation.

Imagine with thyfelf, courteous reader, how often I then wifhed for the tongue of Demofthenes or Cicero, that might have enabled me to celebrate the praife of my

own dear native country in a ftyle equal to its merits and felicity.

I began my difcourfe by informing his majefty, that our dominions confifted of two islands, which compofed three mighty kingdoms under one fovereign, befides our plantations in America. I dwelt long upon the fertility of our foil, and the temperature of our climate. I then spoke at large upon the conftitution of an English parliament, partly made up of an illuftrious body called the house of peers, persons of the nobleft blood, and of the most ancient and ample patrimonies. I defcribed that extraordinary care always taken of their education in arts and arms, to qualify them for being counsellors both to the king and kingdom; to have a fhare in the legiflature; to be members of the highest court of judicature, from whence there could be no appeal; and to be champions always ready for the defence of their prince and country, by their valour, conduct, and fidelity. That these were the ornament and bulwark of the kingdom, worthy followers of their most renowned ancestors, whofe honour had been the reward of their virtue, from which their posterity were never once known to degenerate. these were joined feveral holy perfons as part of that affembly under the title of bishops, whofe peculiar business it is to take care of religion, and of those who inftruct the people therein. These were fearched and fought out through the whole nation, by the prince and his wifeft counfellors, among fuch of the priesthood as were most defervedly distinguished by the fanctity of their lives, and the depth of their erudition, who were indeed the fpiritual fathers of the clergy and the people.

To

That the other part of the parliament confifted of an affembly called the house of commons, who were all principal gentlemen, freely picked and culled out by the people themselves, for their great abilities and love of their country, to reprefent the wisdom of the whole nation. And that these two bodies made up the most auguft affembly in Europe, to whom, in conjunction with the prince, the whole legislature is committed."

I then defcended to the courts of justice, over which the judges, thofe venerable fages and interpreters of the law, prefided for determining the difputed rights and properties of men, as well as for the pu nifhment of vice, and protection of inno

cence.

cence.

I mentioned the prudent management of our treafury, the valour and atchievements of our forces by fea and land. I computed the number of our people, by reckoning how many millions there might be of each religious fect, or political party among us. I did not omit even our fports and pattimes, or any other particular, which I thought might redound to the honour of my country. And I finished all with a brief historical account of affairs and events in England for about an hundred years paft.

This converfation was not ended under five audiences, each of feveral hours; and the king heard the whole with great attention, frequently taking notes of what I fpoke, as well as memorandums of what queftions he intended to ask me.

When I had put an end to thefe long difcourfes, his majefty in a fixth audience, confulting his notes, propofed many doubts, queries, and objections upon every article. He asked what methods were used to cultivate the minds and bodies of our young nobility, and in what kind of bufinefs they commonly spent the first and teachable part of their lives. What courfe was taken to fupply that affembly, when any noble family became extinét. What qualifications were neceffary in those who are to be created new lords: whether the humour of the prince, a fum of money to a court lady or a prime minifter, or a defign of ftrengthening a party oppofite to the public intereft, ever happened to be motives in those advancements. What fhare of knowledge thefe lords had in the laws of their country, and how they came by it, fo as to enable them to decide the properties of their fellow-fubjects in the laft refort. Whether they were all fo free from avarice, partialities, or want, that a bribe, or fome other finifter view, could have no place among them. Whether thofe holy lords I fpoke of were always promoted to that rank upon account of their knowledge in religious matters, and the fanctity of their lives; had never been compliers with the times while they were common priefts, or flavish profitute chaplains to fome nobleman, whofe opinions they continued fervilely to follow after they were admitted into that affembly.

He then defired to know, what arts were practifed in electing those whom I called Gommoners: whether a ftranger with a frong purfe might not influence the vulgar voters to chufe him before their own

landlord, or the moft confiderable gentle. man in the neighbourhood. How it came to pafs, that people were fo violently bent upon getting into this affembly, which I allowed to be a great trouble and expence, often to the ruin of their families, without any falary or penfion: because this appeared fuch an exalted ftrain of virtue and public fpirit, that his majesty seemed to doubt it might poffibly not be always fincere: and he defired to know, whether fuch zealous gentlemen could have any views of refunding themselves for the charges and trouble they were at, by facrificing the public good to the defigns of a weak and vicious prince in conjunction with a corrupted miniftry. He multiplied his questions, and fifted me thoroughly upon every part of this head, propofing numberless enquiries and objections, which I think it not prudent or convenient to repeat.

Upon what I faid in relation to our courts of justice, his majesty defired to be fatisfied in feveral points: and this I was the better able to do, having been formerly almost ruined by a long fuit in chancery, which was decreed for me with coft. He afked what time was usually spent in determining between right and wrong, and what degree of expence. Whether advocates and orators had liberty to plead in caufes manifeftly known to be unjuft, vexatious, or oppreffive. Whether party in religion or politics were obferved to be of any weight in the fcale of juftice. Whether thofe pleading orators were perfons educated in the general knowledge of equity, or only in provincial, nationa!, and other local customs. Whether they or their judges had any part in penning thofe laws, which they affumed the liberty of interpreting and gloffing upon at their pleasure. Whether they had ever at dif ferent times pleaded for and against the fame caufe, and cited precedents to prove contrary opinions. Whether they were a rich or a poor corporation. Whether they received any pecuniary reward for pleading or delivering their opinions. And particularly, whether they were ever admitted as members in the lower fenate.

He fell next upon the management of our treasury; and faid, he thought my memory had failed me, because I computed our taxes at about five or fix millions a year, and when I came to mention the

fues, he found they fometimes amounted to more than double; for the notes he had

takea

taken were very particular in this point, because he hoped, as he told me, that the knowledge of our conduct might be ufeful to him, and he could not be deceived in his calculations. But if what I told him were true, he was ftill at a lofs how a kingdom could run out of its eftate like a private perfon. He asked me, who were our creditors, and where we found money to pay them. He wondered to hear me talk of fuch chargeable and expenfive wars; that certainly we must be a quarrelfome people, or live among very bad neighbours, and that our generals muft needs be richer than our kings. He asked what bufinefs we had out of our own iflands, unlefs upon the score of trade or treaty, or to defend the coafts with our fleet. Above all, he was amazed to hear me talk of a mercenary ftanding army in the midst of peace, and among a free people. He faid, if we were governed by our own confent in the perfons of our reprefentatives, he could not imagine of whom we were afraid, or against whom we were to fight; and would hear my opinion, whether a private man's houfe might not better be defended by himself, his children, and family, than by half a dozen rafcals picked up at a venzure in the streets for fmall wages, who might get an hundred times more by cutting their throats.

He laughed at my odd kind of arithmetic (as he was pleafed to call it) in reckoning the numbers of our people by a computation drawn from the feveral fects among us in religion and politics. He faid, he knew no reafon why thofe, who entertain opinions prejudicial to the public, fhould be obliged to change, or fhould not be obliged to conceal them. And as it was tyranny in any government to require the firft, fo it was weakness not to enforce the fecond: for a man may be allowed to keep poifons in his clofet, but not to vend them about for cordials.

He observed, that among the diverfions of our nobility and gentry I had mentioned gaming: he defired to know at what age this entertainment was ufually taken up, and when it was laid down; how much of their time it employed: whether it ever went fo high as to affect their fortunes: whether mean vicious people by their dexterity in that art might not arrive at great riches, and fometimes keep our very nobles in dependence, as well as habituate them to vile companions, wholly take them from the improvement of their minds, and force

them by the loffes they received to learn and practise that infamous dexterity upon others.

He was perfectly aftonished with the hiftorical account I gave him of our affairs during the last century, protesting it was only a heap of confpiracies, rebellions, murders, maffacres, revolutions, banishments, the very worst effects that avarice, faction, hypocrify, perfidioufnefs, cruelty, rage, madnefs, hatred, envy, luft, malice, and ambition could produce.

His majefty in another audience was at the pains to recapitulate the fum of all I had fpoken; compared the questions he made with the anfwers I had given; then taking me into his hands, and itroking me gently, delivered himself in thefe words, which I fhall never forget, nor the manner he fpoke them in: "My little friend Grildrig, you have made a moft admirable panegyric upon your country; you have clearly proved that ignorance, idlenefs, and vice, are the proper ingredients for qualifying a legiflator; that laws are beft explained, interpreted, and applied by thofe whofe intereft and abilities lie in perverting, confounding, and eluding them. I obferve among you fome lines of an inftitution, which in its original might have been tolerable, but thefe are half erafed, and the reft wholly blurred and blotted by corruptions. It doth not appear from all you have faid, how any one perfection is required toward the procurement of any one station among you; much lefs, that men are ennobled on account of their virtue, that priests are advanced for their piety or learning, foldiers for their conduct or valour, judges for their integrity, fenators for the love of their country, or counfellors for their wisdom. As for yourself continued the king, who have spent the greatest part of your life in travelling, I am well difpofed to hope you may hitherto have efcaped many vices of your country. But by what I have gathered from your own relation, and the answers I have with much pains wringed and extorted from you, I cannot but conclude the bulk of your natives to be the most pernicious race of little odious vermin, that nature ever fuffered to crawl upon the furface of the earth."

CHAP. VII.

country very imperfect and confined. The laws, and military affairs, and parties in the fate.

Nothing but an extreme love of truth could have hindered me from concealing this part of my ftory. It was in vain to discover my refentments, which were always turned into ridicule; and I was forced to reft with patience, while my noble and moft beloved country was fo injuriously treated. I am as heartily forry as any of my readers can poffibly be, that fuch an occafion was given; but this prince happened to be fo curious and inquifitive upon every particular, that it could not confift either with gratitude or good manners to refufe giving him what fatisfaction I was able. Yet thus much I may be allowed to fay in my own vindication, that I artfully eluded many of his questions, and gave to every point a more favourable turn by many degrees than the ftrictness of truth would allow. For I have always borne that laudable partiality to my own country, which Dionyfius Halicarnaffenfis with fo much justice recommends to an hiftorian: I would hide the frailties and deformities of my political mother, and place her virtues and beauties in the most advantageous light. This was my fincere endeavour in thofe many difcourfes I had with that monarch, although it unfortunately failed of fuccefs.

But great allowances fhould be given to a king, who lives wholly fecluded from the reft of the world, and must therefore be altogether unacquainted with the manners and customs that most prevail in other nations: the want of which knowledge will ever produce many prejudices, and a certain narrowness of thinking, from which we and the politer countries of Europe are wholly exempted. And it would be hard indeed, if fo remote a prince's notions of virtue and vice were to be offered as a ftandard for all mankind.

To confirm what I have now faid, and further to fhew the miferable effects of a confined education, I fhall here infert a paffage which will hardly obtain belief. In hopes to ingratiate myself farther into his majefty's favour, I told him of an invention difcovered between three and four hun dred years ago to make a certain powder, into an heap of which the smalleft fpark of fire falling would kindle the whole in a moment, although it were as big as a mountain, and make it all fly up in the air

4

together with a noife and agitation greater than thunder. That a proper quantity of this powder rammed into an hollow tube of brafs or iron, according to its bignefs, would drive a ball of iron or lead with fact violence and speed, as nothing was able to fuftain its force. That the largest balls thas difcharged would not only deftroy whole ranks of an army at once, but batter the ftrongeft walls to the ground, fink down fhips, with a thousand men in each, to the bottom of the fea; and, when linked by a chain together, would cut thro' mafts and rigging, divide hundreds of bodies in the middle, and lay all waste before them. That we often put this powder into large hollo balls of iron, and discharged them by an engine into fome city we were befieging, which would rip up the pavements, tear the houfes to pieces, burft and throw fplinters on every fide, dashing out the brains of all who came near. That I knew the ingredients very well, which were cheap and common; I understood the manner of compounding them, and could direct his workmen how to make thofe tubes of a fize proportionable to all other things in his majefty's kingdom, and the largest need not te above an hundred feet long; twenty o thirty of which tubes, charged with the proper quantity of powder and balls, would batter down the walls of the ftrongest town in his dominions in a few hours, or deflrey the whole metropolis, if ever it should pretend to difpute his abfolute commands. This I humbly offered to his majesty as a fmall tribute of acknowledgment in retera for fo many marks that I had received of his royal favour and protection.

The king was ftruck with horror at the defcription I had given of those terrible engines, and the propofal I had made. He was amazed, how fo impotent and groveling an infect as I (these were his expreffions) could entertain fuch inhuman ideas, and in fo familiar a manner, as to appear wholly unmoved at all the scenes of blood and desolation, which I had painted as the common effects of thofe deftruftive machines, whereof he faid fome evil genius, enemy to mankind must have been the first contriver. As for himself, he protefted, that although few things delighted him fo much as new discoveries in art or in nature, yet he would rather lofe half his kingdom, than be privy to fuch a fecret, which he commanded me, as I valued my life, never to mention any more.

A ftrange effect of narrow principles and ghurt