fort of raillery which may not only be inoffenfive, but even flattering; as when, by a genteel irony, you accufe people of thofe imperfections which they are most notorioufly free from, and confequently infinuate that they poffefs the contrary virtues. You may fately call Ariftides a knave, or a very handsome woman an ugly one. Take care, however, that neither the man's character nor the lady's beauty be in the leaft doubtful. But this fort of raillery requires a very light and steady hand to adminifter it. A little too strong, it may be mistaken into an offence; and a little too fmooth, it may be thought a fneer, which is a most odious thing.

There is another fort, I will not call it wit, but merriment and buffoonery, which is mimicry. The most fuccefsful mimic in the world is always the moft abfurd fellow, and an ape is infinitely his fuperior. His profeffion is to imitate and ridicule thofe natural defects and deformities for which no man is in the leaft accountable, and in the imitation of which he makes himself, for the time, as difagreeable and fhocking as thofe he mimics. But I will fay no more of thefe creatures, who only amufe the loweft rabble of mankind.

There is another fort of human animals, called wags, whofe profeffion is to make the company laugh immoderately; and who always fucceed, provided the company confift of fools; but who are equally difappointed in finding that they never can alter a muscle in the face of a man of fenfe. This is a moft contemptible character, and never efteemed, even by thofe who are filly enough to be diverted by them.

Be content for yourfelf with found good fenfe and good manners, and let wit be thrown into the bargain, where it is proper and inoffenfive. Good fenfe will make you efteemed; good manners will make you beloved; and wit will give a luftre to both. Chesterfield.

$31. Egotifm to be avoided. The egotifm is the most ufual and favourite figure of moit people's rhetoric, and which I hope you will never adopt, but, on the contrary, moft fcrupulously avoid. Nothing is more difagreeable or irksome to the company, than to hear a man either praifing or condemning himfelf; for both proceed from the fame motive, vanity. I would allow no man to fpeak of himself, unless in a court of juftice, in his own defence, or as a witnefs.

731

Shall a man fpeak in his own praife? No: the hero of his own little tale always puzzles and difgufts the company; who do not know what to fay, or how to look, Shall he blame himfelf? No: vanity is as much the motive of his condemnation as of his panegyric.

to themfelves, and, with a modest contri-
I have known many people take shame
tion, confefs themfelves guilty of most of
the cardinal virtues. They have fuch a
weakness in their nature, that they cannot
help being too much moved with the mif-
fortunes and miferies of their fellow-crea-
tures; which they feel perhaps more, but
Their generofity, they are fenfible, is im-
at least as much, as they do their own.
prudence; for they are apt to carry it too
far, from the weak, the irrefiftible benefi-
cence of their nature. They are poffibly
too jealous of their honour, too irafcible
when they think it is touched; and this
proceeds from their unhappy warm con-
ftitution, which makes them too fenfible
upon that point; and fo poffibly with re-
fpect to all the virtues. A poor trick, and
what defeats its own purpose.
a wretched inftance of human vanity, and

felf, for yourself, nor against yourself; but
Do you be fure never to fpeak of your-
let your character speak for you: whatever
that fays will be believed; but whatever
make you odious and ridiculous.
you fay of it will not be believed, and only

nevolent in your nature; but that, though
I know that you are generous and be-
the principal point, is not quite enough;
you must feem fo too.
I do not mean
many young fellows are, of owning the
oftentatiously; but do not be ashamed, as
laudable fentiments of good-nature and
humanity, which you really feel. I have
known many young men, who defired to
be reckoned men of spirit, affect a hard-
nefs and unfeelingness which in reality
they never had; their conversation is in
the decifive and menacing tone, mixed
be thought men of fpirit. Aftonishing
with horrid and filly oaths; and all this to
error this! which neceffarily reduces them
they fay, they are brutes; and if they do
to this dilemma: If they really mean what
however, is a common character among
not, they are fools for faying it. This,
young men; carefully avoid this contagion,
and content yourself with being calmly.
are thoroughly convinced you are in the
and mildly refolute and fleady, when you
right; for this is true fpirit.

Obferve

Obferve the à-propos in every thing you fay or do. In converfing with thofe who are much your fuperiors, however eafy and familiar you may and ought to be with them, preferve the refpect that is due to them. Converfe with your equals with an eafy familiarity, and, at the fame time, great civility and decency: but too much familiarity, according to the old faying, often breeds contempt, and fometimes quarrels. I know nothing more difficult in common behaviour, than to fix due bounds to familiarity: too little implies an unfociable formality; too much deftroys friendly and focial intercourfe. The best rule I can give you to manage familiarity is, never to be more familiar with any body than you would be willing, and even wifh, that he fhould be with you. On the other hand, avoid that uncomfortable referve and coldness which is generally the field of cunning or the protection of dulnefs. To your inferiors you fhould ufe a hearty benevolence in your words and actions, inftead of a refined politenefs, which would be apt to make them fufpect that you rather laughed at them.

Carefully avoid all affectation either of body or of mind. It is a very true and a very trite obfervation, That no man is ridiculous for being what he really is, but for affecting to be what he is not. No man is awkward by nature, but by affecting to be genteel. I have known many a man of common fenfe pafs generally for a fool, because he affected a degree of wit that nature had denied him. A plowman is by no means awkward in the exercise of his trade, but would be exceedingly ridiculous, if he attempted the air and graces of a man of fashion. You learned to dance; but it was not for the fake of dancing; it was to bring your air and motions back to what they would naturally have been, if they had had fair play, and had not been warped in youth by bad examples, and awkward imitations of other boys.

Nature may be cultivated and improved both as to the body and the mind; but it is not to be extinguished by art; and all endeavours of that kind are abfurd, and an inexpreffible fund for ridicule. Your body and mind must be at eafe to be agreeable; but affectation is a particular reftraint, under which no man can be genteel in his carriage or pleafing in his converfation. Do you think your motions would be eafy or graceful, if you wore the cloaths of an

other man much flenderer or taller than yourself? Certainly not: it is the fame thing with the mind, if you affect a character that does not fit you, and that nature never intended for you.

rule, that a man who defpairs of pleafing In fine, it may be laid down as a general will never pleafe; a man that is fure that he fhall always pleafe wherever he goes, is a coxcomb; but the man who hopes and endeavours to pleake, will most infallibly please. Chefte field.

§ 32. Extract from Lerd BOLINGBROKE'S

My Lord,

Letters.

You have engaged me on a fubject 1736. I was writing to you; but it is one which, which interrupts the feries of thofe letters hall therefore explain myself fully, nor I confefs, I have very much at heart. I blufh to reafon on principles that are out of fashion among men who intend nothing by ferving the public, but to feed their avarice, their vanity, and their luxury, without the fenfe of any duty they owe to

God or man.

It feems to me, that in order to maintain point, far below that of ideal perfection, the moral fyftem of the world at a certain (for we are made capable of conceiving what we are incapable of attaining) but however fufficient, upon the whole, to conflitute a ftate eafy and happy, or at the worft tolerable; I fay, it feems to me, that the Author of nature has thought fit to mingle from time to time among the focies of men, a few, and but a few, of those on whom he is graciously pleafed to bestow than is given in the ordinary course of his a larger proportion of the ethereal fpirit providence to the fons of men. These are they who engrofs almoft the whole reafon guide, and to preferve, who are defigned of the fpecies, who are born to inftruct, to to be the tutors and the guardians of human kind. When they prove fuch, they tue and the trueft piety; and they deferve exhibit to us examples of the highest virto have their feftivals kept, instead of that pack of anchorites and enthusiasts, with difgraced. When thefe men apply their whofe names the Calendar is crowded and talents to other purposes, when they ftrive to be great, and defpife being good, they they pervert the means, they defeat, as far commit a most facrilegious breach of truft; as lies in them, the designs of Providence, and disturb, in fome fort, the system of In

finite Wisdom. To mifapply these talents
is the moit diffuted, and therefore the
greateft of crimes in its nature and confe-
quences; but to keep them unexerted and
unemployed, is a crime too. Look about
you, my Lord, from the palace to the cot-
tage, you will find that the bulk of man-
kind is made to breathe the air of this at-
mofphere, to roam about this globe, and
to confume, like the courtiers of Alcinous,
the fruits of the earth. Nos numerus fumus
& fruges confumere nati. When they have
trod this infipid round a certain number
of years, and left others to do the fame
after them, they have lived; and if they
have performed, in fome tolerable degree,
the ordinary moral duties of life, they have
done all they were born to do. Look
about you again, my Lord, nay, look into
your own breaft, and you will find that
there are fuperior fpirits, men who fhew,
even from their infancy, though it be not
always perceived by others, perhaps not
always felt by themfelves, that they were
born for fomething more, and better.
These are the men to whom the part I
mentioned is afligned; their talents denote
their general defignation, and the oppor-
tunities of conforming themfelves to it,
that arife in the courfe of things, or that
are prefented to them by any circumstances
of rank and fituation in the fociety to which
they belong, denote the particular veca-
tion which it is not lawful for them to re-
fift, nor even to neglect. The duration of
the lives of fuch men as thefe is to be de-
termined, I think, by the length and import-
ance of the parts they act, not by the num-
ber of years that pafs between their com-
ing into the world and their going out of it.
Whether the piece be of three or five acts,
the part may be long; and he who fuf-
tains it through the whole, may be said to
die in the fulness of years; whilft he who
declines it fooner, may be faid not to live
out half his days.

§ 33. The Birth of MARTINUS SCRIB

LERUS.

Nor was the birth of this great man unattended with prodigies: he himself has often told me, that on the night before he was born, Mrs. Scriblerus dream'd the was brought to bed of a huge ink-horn, out of which iffued feveral large ftreams of ink, as it had been a fountain. dream was by her husband thought to fignify, that the child fhould prove a very voluminous writer. Likewife a crab-tree,

This

that had been hitherto barren, appeared on a fudden laden with a vast quantity of crabs: this fign alfo the old gentleman imagined to be a prognoftic of the acutenefs of his wit. A great fwarm of wafps played round his cradle without hurting him, but were very troublesome to all in the room befides. This feemed a certain prefage of the effects of his fatire. A dunghill was feen within the space of one night to be covered all over with mushrooms: this fome interpreted to promife the infant great fertility of fancy, but no long duration to his works; but the father was of another opinion.

But what was of all moft wonderful, was a thing that feemed a monftrous fowl, which just then dropped through the skylight, near his wife's apartment. It had a large body, two little difproportioned wings, a prodigious tail, but no head. As its colour was white, he took it at firft fight for a fwan, and was concluding his fon would be a poet; but on a nearer view, he perceived it to be speckled with black, in the form of letters; and that it was indeed a paper-kite which had broke its leafh by the impetuofity of the wind. His back was armed with the art military, his belly was filled with phyfic, his wings were the wings of Quarles and Withers, the feveral nodes of his voluminous tail were diverfified with feveral branches of fcience; where the Doctor beheld with great joy a knot of logic, a knot of metaphyfic, a knot of cafuiftry, a knot of polemical divinity, and a knot of cornmon law, with a lanthorn of Jacob Behmen.

There went a report in the family, that as foon as he was born, he uttered the voice of nine feveral animals: he cried like a calf, bleated like a fheep, chattered like a magpye, grunted like a hog, neighed like a foal, croaked like a raven, mewed like a cat, gabbled like a goofe, and brayed like an afs; and the next morning he was found playing in his bed with two Owls which came down the chimney. His father was greatly rejoiced at all thefe figns, which betokened the variety of his eloquence, and the extent of his learning; but he was more particularly pleafed with the laft, as it nearly refembled what happened at the birth of Homer.

The Doctor and his Shield.

The day of the chriftening being come, and the house filled with goffips, the levity of whofe converfation fuited but ill with

the

The regard he had for this fhield had the infant both dropped to the ground, and caufed him formerly to compile a differta- he had only ftrength enough to cry out, tion concerning it, proving from the feve." O God! my fhield, my fhield !" ral properties, and particularly the colour of the ruft, the exact chronology thereof. With this treatife, and a moderate fupper, he propofed to entertain his guefts; though he had also another defign, to have their affiftance in the calculation of his fon's nativity.

warrant her: what a ftir a man makes "about a bason, that an hour ago, before << her labour was bestowed upon it, a counbarber would not have hung at his try "fhop-door!" "A bafon! (cried ano"ther) no fuch matter; 'tis nothing but a

paultry old fconce, with the nozzle broke "off." The learned gentlemen, who till now had stood speechlets, hereupon looking narrowly on the fhield, declared their affent to this latter opinion, and defired Cornelius to be comforted; affuring him it was a fconce, and no other. But this, inftead of comforting, threw the doctor into fuch a violent fit of paffion, that he was carried off groaning and fpeechlefs to bed; where, being quite fpent, he fell into a kind of flumber.

The Nutrition of SCRIBLERUS.

Don't tell me of your ancients, had not you almost killed the poor babe with a dish of dæmonial black broth?" Lacedæ"monian black broth, thou would'it fay (replied Cornelius); but I cannot allow "the furfeit to have been occafioned by "that diet, fince it was recommended by the divine Lycurgus. No, nurfe, thou "muft certainly have eaten fome meats "of ill digeftion the day before; and that "was the real cause of his diforder. Con"fider, woman, the different tempera"ments of different nations: What makes "the English phlegmatic and melancholy, "but beef? What renders the Welsh fo "hot and choleric, but cheese and leeks? "The French derive their levity from their foups, frogs, and mushrooms. I would "not let my fon dine like an Italian, left, "like an Italian, he should be jealous and

66

revengeful. The warm and folid diet "of Spain may be more beneficial, as it

Cornelius now began to regulate the fuction of his child; feldom did there pass a day without difputes between him and might endow him with a profound grathe mother, or the nurfe, concerning the "vity; but, at the fame time, he might nature of aliment. The poor woman never "fuck in with their food their intolerable dined but he denied her fome dish or other, «vice of pride. Therefore, nurse, in which he judged prejudicial to her milk. «hort, I hold it requifite to deny you, at One day he had a longing defire to a piece" prefent, not only beef, but likewife whatof beef; and as fhe ftretched her hand towards it, the old gentleman drew it away, and spoke to this effect: "Hadft thou read "the ancients, O nurse, thou would't pre"fer the welfare of the infant which thou «nourishest, to the indulging of an irregular and voracious appetite. Beef, it is true, may confer a robustnefs on the "limbs of my fon, but will hebetate and clog his intellectuals." While he fpoke this the nurse looked upon him with much anger, and now and then caft a wifhful eye upon the beef." Paffion (continued the doctor, ftill holding the dish) throws the mind into too violent a fermentation: it « is a kind of fever of the foul; or, as Horace expresses it, a fhort madness. Con"fider, woman, that this day's fuction of 66 my fon may cause him to imbibe many "ungovernable paffions, and in a manner fpoil him for the temper of a philofo"pher. Romulus, by fucking a wolf, became of a fierce and favage difpofition: " and were I to breed fome Ottoman emperor, or founder of a military commonwealth, perhaps I might indulge thee in "this carnivorous appetite."-What! interrupted the nurse, beef fpoil the underftanding! that's fine indeed-how then could our parfon preach as he does upon beef, and pudding too, if you go to that?

"foever any of those nations eat." During this fpeech, the nurse remained pouting and marking her plate with the knife, nor would fhe touch a bit during the whole dinner. This the old gentleman obferving, ordered that the child, to avoid the rifque of imbibing ill humours, fhould be kept from her breast all that day, and be fed with butter mixed with honey, according to a prefcription he had met with fomewhere in Euftathius upon Homer. This indeed gave the child a great looseness, but he was not concerned at it, in the opinion that whatever harm it might do his body, would be amply recompenfed by the improvements of his understanding. But from thenceforth he infifted every day upon a particular diet to be obferved by the nurfe; under which, having been long uneafy, the at last parted from the family, on his ordering her for dinner the paps of a fow with pig; taking it as the highest indignity, and a direct infult upon her fex and calling.

Play-Things.

Here follow the inftructions of Cornelius Scriblerus concerning the plays and playthings to be ufed by his fon Martin.

Play was invented by the Lydians, as "a remedy against hunger. Sophocles

lays