1754. PROCEEDINGS of the POLITICAL CLUB, &c. creature if he cannot get one in his neigh- dowhood. To thefe I must add the cafe The registering of marriages cannot 21 it felves, but to their latest pofterity, ought, I think, to be confined to thofe that are married according to the rites of the church of England; as the gaining of this advantage will be an inducement for all fober and regular people to be married in that way; for no one furely can find fault with any law for encouraging that which is the established religion of the fociety. I hope, I have now fhewn, that none of the objections made to this bill, or to any part of it, can be of weight enough for inducing us to put it off until next feffion. At the fame time, Sir, I am far from pretending, that the Hon. gentlemen who were ordered to bring it in, are infallible, or that the bill is fo perfect as never to ftand in need of any amendment ; but if there be any imperfections in it, we may easily explain and amend it by a short bill in fome future feffion; and as thofe imperfections will best appear when the law comes to be carried into execution, Cthat we may discover and remove them as foon as poffible, I am for the bill's being this feffion paffed into a law. [This JOURNAL to be continued in our next.] The ADVENTURER, Jan. 1. A FEW nights ago, after reading one of your papers, I fell asleep in my elbow chair, and fancied I faw a well-known familiar infect at the bottom of one of the pages, who addressed me with fuch folemnity of accent, that it brought to my mind fome orations which I had formerly heard in St. Stephen's chapel. Sir, faid he, it has been remarked by those who have enriched themselves from the mines of knowledge by deep researches and laborious ftudy, that fublunary be ings are all mortal, and that life is a ftate of perpetual peril and inquietude: Such, indeed, hitherto has been my experience; and yet I do not remember that I have brought calamity upon myself by any uncommon deviations either trom virtue or prudence. I was hatched in the head of a boy about eight years old, who was placed under the care of a parish nurse, and educated at the charity fchool. In this place, as in a populous city, I foon obGtained a fettlement; and as our state of adolefcence is fhort, had in a few months a numerous family. This, indeed, was the happieft period of my life; I fuffered little apprehenfion from the comb or the razor, and forefaw no our country misfortune, except that Should 22 ADVENTURES of a LOUSE. Jan. were overwhelmed with a fecond inundation: The cataracts, which burft upon us with a noife tenfold more dreadful than thunder, fwept us by hundreds before them, and the few that remained would not have had ftrength to keep their hold against the impetuofity of the torrent, if it had continued a few minutes A longer. I was still among thofe that efcaped; and after we had a little recovered from our fright, we found that if we had loft our friends, we were releafed from the viscous durance which our own ftrength could never have broken. We were alfo delivered from the dread of an emigration and a famine; and taking comfort in these reflections, we were enabled to reconcile ourselves, without murmuring, to the fate of those who had perished. fhould be overstocked, and we should be compelled to wander, like the Barbarians of the North, in fearch of another. But it happened that the lord of our foil, in an evil hour, went with fome of his companions to Highgate. Just at the top of the hill was a stage and a mountebank, where several feats of wit and humour were performed by a gentleman, with a gridiron upon his back, who affifted the doctor in his vocation. We were prefently in the midft of the croud, and foon after upon the flage; which the boy was perfuaded to afcend, that by a fudden stroke of conjuration, a great quantity of gold might be conveyed under his hat. Under his B hat, however, the dextrous but mifchievous operator, having imperceptibly conveyed a rotten egg, clapped his hand fmartly upon it, and thewed the aurum potabile running down on each fide, to the unspeakable delight of the beholders, but to the great disappointment of the boy and the total ruin of our community. ..It is impoffible to defcribe the confufion and diftrefs which this accident inftantly produced among us: We were at once buried in a quag, intolerably noifome, and infuperably vifcid: Thofe who had been overturned in its paffage, found it impoffible to recover their fituation; and the few, who happening to lie near the borders of the fuffufion, But the feries of misfortunes which I have been doomed to fuffer, without refpite, was now begun. The next day was Holy Thurfday; and the ftupendous being, who, without labour, carried the ruins of our state in proceffion to the bounds of his parith, thought fit to break his wand into a cudgel as foon as he came home. This he was impatient to ufe; and in an engagement with an adverfary, who had armed himself with the like weapon, he received a stroke upon his head, by which my favourite Dwife and three children, the whole remains of my family, were crushed to atoms in a moment, I was myfelf fo near as to be thrown down by the concuffion of the blow; and the boy immediately fcratching his head to alleviate the fmart, was within an hair of destroying me with his nail. had with the utmoft efforts of their ftrength crawled to thofe parts which it had not reached, laboured in vain to free themfelves from thackles which every moment became more Arong as the fubtance which formed them grew more hard, and threatened in a fhort time totally to deprive them of all power of E motion. I was myfelf among this numher, and cannot now even recollect my fituation without fhuddering at my danger. In the mean time the candidate for enchanted gold, who in fearch of pleasure had found only dirt and hunger, wearinefs and difappointment, reflecting that his stolen holiday was at an end, returned forlorn and difconfolate F to his nurse. The nofe of this good woman was foon offended by an unfavoury fmell, and it was not long before The difcovered whence it proceeded. A few questions, and a good thump on the back, brought the whole fecret to light; and the delinquent, that he might be at once purified and punished, was G carried to the next pump, where his head was held under the spout till he had received the difcipline of a pickpocket. He was indeed very near being drowned; but his fufferings were nothing in comparifon of ours. We I was fo terrified at this accident that I crept down to the nape of his neck, where I continued all the reft of the day; and at night, when he retired to eat his cruft of bread in the chimney corner, I concluded that I should at least be fafe till the next morning, and therefore began my repaft, which the dangers and misfortunes of the day had prevented. Whether, having long fafted, my hite was more keen than ufual, or whether I had made my attack in a more fenfible part, I cannot tell; but the boy fuddenly thruft up his fingers with fo much speed and dexterity, that he laid hold of me, and aimed with all his force to throw me into the fire: In this favage attempt he would certainly have fucceeded, if I had not stuck between his finger and his nail, and fell fhort upon fome linen that was hanging to dry. The woman, who took in washing, was employed by a laundrefs of fome diftinction; and it happened that 1 had fallen 1754. ADVENTURES of a LOUSE. 23 ceps of a crifping iron; and at night, after I had with the utmoft vigilance and dexterity evaded the comb, I was still liable to be thruft thro' the body with a pin. I frequently meditated my escape, and formed many projects to effect it, which I afterwards abandoned either as dangerous or impracticable. I obferved that the valet had a much better head of hair than his mafter, and that he fometimes wore the fame bag; into the bag, there fore, one evening I defcended with great circumfpection, and was removed with it; nor was it long before my utmoft expectations were answered, for the valet tied on my dormitory to his own hair the very next morning, and I gained a new settlement. But the bag was not the only part of the mafter's drefs which was occafionally appropriated by the fervant, who being foon after my exploit detected in wearing a laced frock before it had been left off, was turned away at a minute's warm fallen on the fhift fleeve of a celebrated toaft, who frequently made her appearance at court. I concealed myfelf with great caution in the plaits, and the next night had the honour to accompany her into the drawing-room, where the was furrounded by rival beauties from whom the attracted every eye, and stood with A the utmost composure of mind and countenance in the center of admiration and defire. In this fituation I became impatient of confinement, and after several efforts made my way out by her tucker, hoping to have paffed on under her handkerchief to her head; but in this hope I was disappointed, for handkerchief the I was not, however, will- B had none. ing to go back, and as my station was the principal object of the whole circle, I was foon difcovered by those who stood near. They gazed at me with eager attention, and fometimes turned towards each other with very intelligent looks; but of this the lady took no notice, as it was the common effect of that pro-ing, and defpairing to obtain a character, fufion of beauty which the had been used to pour upon every eye: The emotion, however, at length increafed till the obferved it, and glancing her eye downward with a fecret exultation, the difcovered the caufe: Pride instantly covered thofe cheeks with the blufhes which modesty had forfaken; and as I was now become fenfible of my danger, I was hasting to retreat. At this inftant a young nobleman, who perceived that the lady was become fenfible of her difgrace, and who, perhaps, thought that it might be deemed an indecorum to approach the place where Iftood with his hand in a publick affembly, ftooped down, and holding up his hat to his face, directed fo violent a blaft towards me from his mouth, that I vanished before it like an atom in a whirlwind; and the next moment found myself in the toupee of a battered beau, whofe attention was ingroffed by the widow of a rich citizen, with whofe plumb he hoped to pay his debts and procure a new mistress. D E F In this place the hair was fo thin that returned to the occupation in which he had been bred, and became journeyman to a barber in the city, who upon feeing a fpecimen of his skill to dress hair a-lamode de la cour, was willing to receive him without a fcrupulous examination of his morals. This change in the fituation of my patron was of great advantage to me; for I began to have more company and lefs difturbance. But among other perfons whom he attended every morning to fhave, was an elderly gentleman of great repute for natural knowledge, a fellow of many foreign focieties, and a profound adept in experimental philofophy. This gentleman, having conceived a defign to repeat Leuenhoeck's experiments, upon the increase of our fpecies, enquired of the proprietor of my dwelling if he could help him to a subject. The man was at first startled at the queftion; but it was no fooner comprehended than he pulled out an ivory comb, and produced myself and two affociates, one of whom died foon after of the hurt he received. The fage received us with thanks, and very carefully conveyed us into his stocking, where, though it was not a fituation perfectly agreeable to our nature we produced a numerous progeny. Here, however, I fuffered new calamity, and was expofed to new danger. The philofopher, whom a fedentary and reclufe life had rendered extreamly fufceptible of cold, would often fit with his fhins fo near the fire, that we were almoft fcorched to death before we could get round to the calf for fhelter. He was alfa 24 ACCOUNT of Sir JOHN GOWER. alfo fubject to frequent abftractions of mind; and at thefe times many of us have been miferably deftroyed by his broth or his tea, which he would hold fo much on one fide that it would run over the veffel, and overflow us with a fcalding deluge from his knee to his an. cle: Nor was this all; for when he felt the fmart, he would rub the part with his hand, without reflecting upon his nurfery, till he had crushed great part of thofe that had efcaped. Still, however, it was my fortune to furvive for new ad ventures. Jan. For this disease the nurse, in the absence of the phyfician, prefcribed a certain number of my fpecies to be administered alive in a spoonful of milk. A collection was immediately made, and I was numbered among the unhappy victims, which ignorance and inhumanity had thus deAvoted to deftruction: I was immerged in the potion, and saw myself approach the horrid jaws that I expected would the next moment close over me; not but that, in this dreadful moment, I had fome languid hope of paffing the gulph unhurt, and finding a fettlement at the bottom. My fate, however, was otherwife determined: For the child, in a fit of frowardnefs and anger, dashed the fpoon out of the hand of the nurse; and after incredible fatigue I recovered the ftation to which I had defcended from the doctor's wig. I was once more congratulating myself on an escape almost miraculous, when I was alarmed by the appearance of a bar his trade. I foon found that the person whofe head I had chofen for an asylum was become delirious, and that the hair was by the phyfician's order to be removed for a blister. The philofopher, among other vifitants, whofe curiofity he was pleafed to gratify, was fometimes favoured with the com- B pany of ladies: For the entertainment of a lady it was my misfortune to be one morning taken from my family when 1 leaft fufpected it, and secured in the apparatus of a folar microscope. After 1 had contributed to their aftonish. ment and diversion near an hour, I was left with the utmost inhumanity and in-ber, with all the dreadful apparatus of gratitude to perish of hunger, immured between two pieces of ifinglafs thro' which 1 had been exhibited. In this condition I remained three days and three nights; and should certainly have perished in the fourth, if a boy about seven years old, who was carelefly left alone in the room, had not poked his finger through the hole in which I was confined, and once D more set me at liberty. I was, however, extremely weak, and the window being open I was blown into the street, and fell on the uncovered perriwig of a doctor of phyfick, who had just alighted to vifit a patient. This was the first time I had ever entered a perriwig, a fituation which I fcarce lefs deprecate than the E microscope: I found it a defolate wilder. nefs, without inhabitants, and without bounds. I continued to traverfe it with incredible labour, but I knew not in what direction, and defpaired of being ever reftored either to food or rest. My fpirits were at length exhaufted, my gripe relaxed, and I fell almost in a state of infenfibility from the verge of the labyrinth in which I had been bewildered, into the head of a patient in the hofpital, over whom, after my fall, I could just perceive the doctor leaning to look at his tongue. F By the warmth and nourishment which this place afforded me I foon revived. I rejoiced at my deliverance, and thought I had nothing to fear but the death of the G patient in whose head I had taken shelter. I was, however, foon convinced of my miftake; for among other patients in the fame ward was a child about fix years old, who having been put in for a rupture, had fallen into the jaundice, Here my courage totally failed, and all my hopes forfook me. It happened, however, that tho' I was entangled in the fuds, yet I was depofited unhurt upon the operator's having cloth; from whence, as he was fhaving you this night, I gained your shoulder, and have this moment crawled out of the plaits of your ftock, which you have just taken off and laid upon this table. Whether this event be fortunate or unfortunate, time only can difcover: But I still hope to find fome dwelling, where no comb can ever enter, and no nails fhall ever fcratch; which neither pincers, nor razor fhall approach; where I fhall pafs the remainder of life in perfect fecurity and repofe, amidst the fmiles of fociety and the profufion of plenty. At this hope fo extravagant and ridi culous, uttered with fuch folemnity of diction and manner, I burst into a fit of immoderate laughter that awaked me: But my mirth was inftantly repreffed by reflecting, that the life of man is not lefs expofed to evil; and that all his expectations of fecurity and happiness in temporal poffeffions, are equally chimerical and abfurd. Your humble fervant, |