A MISCELLANEOUS MEAL.

215

North. Humph!-No more infallible mark of a man of genius, James, than the shape of his tongue. It is uniformly long, so that he can shoot it out, with an easy grace, to the tip of his nose.

Shepherd. This way?

North. Precisely so. Fine all round the edge, from root to tip-underneath very veinous-surface in colour near as may be to that of a crimson curtain shining in setting sunlight. But the tip-James-the tip

Shepherd. Like that o' the serpent's that deceived Eve, sir -curlin and doun like the musical leaf o' some magical tree

up

North. It is a singular fact with regard to the tongue, that if you cut off the half of it, the proprietor of the contingent remainder can only mumble-but cut it off wholly, and he speaks fully better than before

Shepherd. That's a hanged lee.

North. As true a word as ever I spoke, James.

Shepherd. Perhaps it may, sir, but it's a hanged lee, nevertheless.

North. Dish the steaks, my dear James, and I shall cut down the how-towdie.

[NORTH and the SHEPHERD furnish up the Ambrosial tables, and sit down to serious devouring.

North. Now, James, acknowledge it- don't you admire a miscellaneous meal?

Shepherd. I do. Breakfast, noony,' denner, four-hours, and sooper, a' in ane, A material emblem o' that spiritual substance, Blackwood's Magazine! Can it possibly be, sir, that we are twa gluttons ?

North. Gluttons we most assuredly are not; but each of us is a man of good appetite. What is gluttony?

Shepherd. Some mair stakes, sir?

North. Very few, my dear James, very few.
Shepherd. What's gluttony?

North. Some eggs?

Shepherd. Ae spoonfu'. What a layer she wad hae been! O but she's a prolific cretur, Mr North, your how-towdie! It's necessary to kill heaps o' yearocks, or the haill kintra 1 Noony-luncheon.

Four-hours-tea.

3 Yearocks-chickens.

216

DEFINITION OF GLUTTONY.

wad be a-cackle frae John o' Groat's House to St Michael's Mount.

North. Sometimes I eat merely as an amusement or pastime -sometimes for recreation of my animal spirits-sometimes on the philosophical principle of sustenance-sometimes for the mere sensual, but scarcely sinful, pleasure of eating, or, in common language, gormandising-and occasionally, once a-month or so, for all these several purposes united, as at this present blessed moment; so a few flakes, my dear Shepherd, of that Westmoreland ham-lay the knife on it, and its own weight will sink it down through the soft sweet sappiness of fat and lean, undistinguishably blended as the colours of the rainbow, and out of all sight incomparably more beautiful.

Shepherd. As for me, I care nae mair about what I eat, than I do what kind o' bed I sleep upon, sir. I hate onything stinkin or mooldy, at board-or onything damp or musty in bed. But let the vivres be but fresh and wholesome-and if it's but scones and milk, I shut my een, say a grace, fa' to, and am thankfu';-let the bed be dry, and whether saft or hard, feathers, hair, cauff, straw, or heather, I'm fast in ten minutes, and my sowl waverin awa like a butterflee intil the land o' dreams.

North. Not a more abstemious man than old Kit North in his Majesty's dominions, on which the sun never sets. I have the most accommodating of palates.

Shepherd. Yes-it's an universal genius. I ken naething like it, sir, but your stammack.-" Sure such a pair were never seen!" Had ye never the colic?

66

North. Never, James, never. I confess that I have been guilty of many crimes, but never of a capital crime,-never of colic. Shepherd. There's muckle confusion o' ideas in the brains o' the blockheads who accuse us o' gluttony, Mr North. Gluttony may be defined an immoral and unintellectual abandonment o' the sowl o' man to his gustative natur." I defy a brute animal to be a glutton. A swine's no a glutton. Nae cretur but man can be a glutton. A' the rest are prevented by the definition.

North. Is there any test of gluttony, James?

Shepherd. Watch twa men eatin. As lang's there's a power or capacity o' smilin on their cheeks, and in and about their een, -as lang's they keep lookin at you, and round about the table,

THE TEST OF GLUTTONY.

217

attendin to or joinin in the tauk, or the speakin caum,-as lang's they every noo an' than lay doun their knife and fork, to ca' for yill, or ask a young leddy to tak wine, or tell an anecdote, as lang's they keep frequently ca'in on the servant lad or lass for a clean plate,-as lang's they glower on the framed picturs or prents on the wa', and keep askin if the tane's originals and the tither proofs, -as lang's they offer to carve the tongue or turkey-depend on't they're no in a state o' gluttony, but are devouring their soup, fish, flesh, and fowl, like men and Christians. But as sune's their chin gets creeshy -their cheeks lank, sallow, and clunk-clunky-their nostrils wide-their een fixed-their faces close to their trencher-and themsels dumbies-then you may see a specimen "o' the immoral and unintellectual abandonment o' the sowl o’man to his gustative natur;" then is the fast, foul, fat feeder a glutton, the maist disgustfu'est cretur that sits-and far aneath the level o' them that feed, on a' fowres, out o' trochs on garbage.

North. Sensuality is the most shocking of all sins, and its name is Legion.

Shepherd. Ay, there may be as muckle gluttony on sowens as on turtle-soup. A ploughman may be as greedy and as gutsy as an alderman. The sin lies not in the sense, but in the sowl. Sir-a red herring?

North. Thank ye, James.

Shepherd. Are you drinkin coffee ?-Let me toast you a shave o' bread, and butter it for you on baith sides, sir?

[The Shepherd kneels on the Tiger, and stretches out the Trident to Vulcan.

North. Heaven will reward ye, James, for your piety to the old man.

Shepherd. Dinna think, sir, that I care about your last wull and testament. I'm nae legacy-hunter-nae Post-obit. But ye added the codicil?

hae

North. The man who has not made his will at forty is worse than a fool-almost a knave.

Shepherd. I ken nae better test o' wisdom-wisdom in its highest sense than a just last wull and testament. It blesseth generations yet unborn. It guardeth and strengtheneth domestic peace and maketh brethren to dwell together in unity. Being dead, the wise testator yet liveth-his spirit abideth

218

WILLS.-AVARICE.-THE SUN.

invisible, but felt ower the roof-tree, and delighteth, morning and evening, in the thanksgiving Psalm.

North. One would think it were easy to act well in that

matter.

Shepherd. One would think it were easy to act weel, sir, in a' maitters. Yet hoo difficult! The sowl seems, somehow or ither, to lose her simplicity; and, instead o' lookin wi' her twa natural een straucht forrits alang the great, wide, smooth, royal road o' truth and integrity, to keep restlessly glowerin round and round about wi' a thousan' artificial ogles upon a' the cross and by paths leading nae single body kens whither, unless it be into brakes, and thickets, and quagmires, and wildernesses o' moss-where ane may wander wearily and drearily up and doun for years, and never recover the richt road again, till death touches him on the shouther, and doun he fa's amang them that were, leavin a' that looked up to him for his effecks in doubt and dismay and desolation, wi' sore and bitter hearts, uncertain whether to gie vent to their feelings in blessings or in curses, in execration or prayer.

North. Of all the vices of old age, may gracious Heaven, my dearest James, for ever shield me from avarice!

Shepherd. Nae fear o' that. There's aither just ae enjoyment o' siller, or five hunder thousan' million. The rich maun either spend it thick and fast, as a nightingale scatters her notes on the happy air-or sit upon his guineas, like a clockin hen on a heap o' yellow addled eggs amang the nettles.

North. Picturesquely true.

Shepherd. Oh, sir! what delicht to a wise rich man in being lavish-in being prodigal! For thae twa words only carry blame alang wi' them according to the character o' the giver or the receiver. Wha mair lavish—wha mair prodigal than the Sun? Yet let him shower his beams for ever and ever all ower the Planetary System, frae Venus wi' her cestus to Saturn wi' his ring, and nane the poorer, either in licht or in heat, is he,—and nane the poorer will he ever be, till the Hand that hung him on high shall cut the golden cord by which he liveth in the sky, and he falls, his duty done, into the bosom of Chaos and Old Night!

North. My dear Shepherd!

Shepherd. But the Sun he shineth wi' unborrowed licht. There's the bonny Moon, God bless her mildest face, that

THE MOON.-VEGETATION AT MOUNT BENGER. 219

loveth still to cheer the pensive nicht wi' a lustre lent her by the joyful day-to give to earth a' she receives frae heaven. Puir, senseless, ungratefu' creturs we! Eying her frae our ain narrow vales, we ca' her changefu' and inconstant! But isna she, sweet satellite, for ever journeying on her gracious round, and why will we grudge her smiles to them far frae us, seein we are a' children o' ae Maker, and, according to his perfect laws, a' partakers in the same impartial bounty?— Here's a nice brown shave for you, sir.

[The SHEPHERD rises from his knees on the rug-takes the bread from the prongs of the Trident, and fresh-butters it on both sides for MR NORTH, who receives it with a benign bow.

North. Uncommonly yellow this butter, James, for the seaThe grass must be growing

son.

Shepherd. Ay, you may hear 't growin. What years for vegetation the last beautifu' and glorious Three! The ongoings o' natur are in the lang-rin regular and steady;-but noo and then the michty mother seems to obey some uncontrollable impulse, far within her fair large bosom, and "wantons as in her prime," outdoing her very self in beneficence to earth, and that mysterious concave we ca' heaven.

North. In spite of gout, rheumatism, lumbago, corns, and chilblains, into the Forest shall I wend my way, James, before midsummer.

Shepherd. And young and auld will be but ower happy to see you, sir, frae the lanely Douglas Tower to those o' Newark. Would ye believe't, an auld ash stullion in the garden hedge of Mount Benger shot out six scions last year, the langest o' them nine, and the shortest seven feet lang? That was growin for you, sir.

North. There has been much planting of trees lately in the Forest, James ?

Shepherd. To my taste, to tell the truth, rather ower muckle -especially o' nurses.

1

North. Nurses !-wet or dry nurses, James?

Shepherd. Baith. Larches and Scotch firs; or you may ca' them schoolmasters, that teach the young idea how to shoot. But thinnins in the Forest never can pay, I suspeck; and

1 Trees of the hardier breed, put in at intervals to shelter the more tender plants as they grow.