CHAPTER VI.

His first efforts as a preacher-His religious character further developed.

HAVING been regularly introduced and recommended to the churches as a preacher, Mr. Payson proceeded, the next day, to Marlborough, to fulfil his engagement with the people of that place. Change of situation, however, did not interrupt his communion with God. On the way, his mind was engrossed with divine contemplations, and with the duties and responsibilities of that new relation in which he now stood to the church and the world. During the time that intervened between this and the Sabbath, he was not without misgivings; as he complains of being almost discouraged and overwhelmed, in view of his unfitness for the ministry;' and once, of even wishing himself any thing rather than a minister.' He 'could hardly conceive it possible, that one so inconceivably vile should be a child of God; but was nevertheless helped to cast his burden on the Almighty, and to agonize in prayer to be delivered from this body of death.' The Saturday next preceding his first appearance in the pulpit, he had 'resolved to spend in fasting and prayer;' but when the day arrived, his 'health would not permit.' The day on which a man first stands forth as the ambassador of God to his fellow men, is an important era in his life; but it had been anticipated with so much concern by Mr. Payson, that it seems to have been distinguished by no extraordinary strength of feelings. His own account of them is thus expressed

May 24. Sab. Was favored with considerable fervency, life, and sense of dependence, this morning. Endeavored to cast myself wholly on the Lord for support. Felt thankful it was rainy. There were very few people at meeting; and I just got through without stopping. Spoke too fast and too low. Was a good deal depressed after meeting. In the afternoon, did a little better, but still bad enough. Was very much fatigued, and almost in a fever; but enjoyed some comfort after meeting."

His public engagements, important as he felt them to be, did not divert his attention from his own heart. On the contrary, personal religion continued to be a primary concern. Of this, as well as of the varied nature of his spiritual exercises, there is an accumulation of evidence ::

"May 28. Enjoyed a very unusual degree of sweetness and fervor this morning. O, how precious did Christ appear to my soul! How I longed to be a pure flame of fire in his service, to be all zeal, and love, and fervor! With what gratitude did I look up to him, saying, Blessed Saviour, behold how happy I am! and to thee all my happiness is owing. But for thee, I should now have been lifting up my eyes, being in torments. O, what shall I render unto the Lord for all his benefits! In the evening, in secret prayer, my soul was filled with unutterable longings and insatiable thirstings after God in Christ. I earnestly desired that all mankind might be as happy as I was; that they should all see what a glorious, amiable being God is, that they might love and praise him. Retired to rest with a clear, sweet, realizing apprehension of my Saviour's presence, and dropped to sleep in this frame.

"May 29. Enjoyed much of the same spiritual sweetness which I felt last evening; but was much exercised on account of pride, or rather love of applause, which was excited by some approbation which, I lately heard, was bestowed on my preaching. Strove with all my might to be delivered from this hateful temper, and cried for some time to my Supporter and Strength ever to grant me his grace to help. Recalled to mind that I had nothing which I had not received; that I had most wickedly and shamefully wasted, and neglected to improve my talents; that applause was commonly ill bestowed; and that the praise of men was of no worth compared with the approbation of God. By the divine blessing on these and other similar considerations, I was helped to overcome it. In the evening, was much assisted in prayer. Had a greater spirit of wrestling for the conversion of sinners than I ever had before."

He is often discouraged by the little which he accomplishes, and the selfish motives with which that little is defiled.' He is assailed by 'strong temptations, which drive him to his knees for assistance;' and by frequent recurrence of the same temptation,' which costs him long and severe 'struggles, before he is favored with complete victory.' This is followed

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by increased confidence in God, as able to supply all his need, and, at the same time, with a more humbling sense of his unfitness for the ministry.' And even when he is in a 'lively frame' during several successive days, he is still 'astonished at his slow progress in religion.' Again, pride and unbelief begin to work, and render him miserable,' and for defence against them he resorts to prayer, pleading various arguments for the space of an hour, before he is able to repress pride and repining thoughts.' Nor is this the extremity of his conflict: he has such a dreadful view of his heart, that he could scarcely support the sight of himself; while this, 'instead of humbling, only distressed him, so that he is at last obliged to desist, without, as he can perceive, any answer at all.' The next day, he can cry, " Abba, Father!" with all the confidence of filial love ::

"June 6. Had many sweet seasons of prayer during the day, and was assisted in pleading for the presence of the Divine Spirit to-morrow.

"June 8. Had great earnestness in secret prayer. Longed to be wholly devoted to God. Thought if I could, from this time, do every thing for his glory, I would willingly resign every worldly comfort, and be the most despised object on the face of the earth. Went to a funeral, and was assisted in speaking to the mourners, and in prayer.

"June 9. Renewed covenant, and took God for my God, and gave myself up to him in sincerity, and with more joy than I ever did before. In the afternoon, was favored with another most sweet and refreshing season in secret prayer. Have seldom, if ever, felt more fervency, more hatred of sin, and more longing desires after holiness.

June 10. The family being mostly absent to-day, I resolved to spend it in fasting and prayer, for a supply of ministerial gifts and Christian graces; especially that I might be made an able, faithful, and successful minister of the New Testament. Was assisted, both last night and this morning, in seeking the divine presence and blessing. God graciously heard and answered me. I was favored with great and unusual fervency and perseverance in prayer, was enabled to confess and mourn over my sins, and to mourn because I could not mourn more, and was assisted in renewing covenant with God, and in giving myself up to be his forever. Was entirely exhausted, and worn out in body and mind, before night, by the strong and unutterable desires I felt after personal holiness

On the whole, it has

and the success of Christ's kingdom. been a very profitable day to my soul, as, by divine goodness, most, if not all, my fast days have been."

Four days after this, he experienced a most melancholy reverse, viewing himself as the most vile, loathsome, worthless wretch in existence; could only throw himself prostrate, and utter the cry of the publican-" God, be merciful to me a sinner. "The cause of this distress is unintentionally indicated. He was "sick in body and mind." But,

"As poison oft the force of poison quells,"

so the far more wretched condition, and still more melancholy prospects, of a fellow-creature, caused him to forget his own misery :

"Was called to see a sick man supposed to be dying; he was a professor, aged eighty-seven. Found him something alarmed, but he gave no satisfactory evidence of a change. Stated to him his danger and the remedy, but, I fear, to little purpose. Was much assisted in preaching. My strength continued, and even increased, though quite exhausted at the close. Went to see the sick man again. Found him better in body, but worse in mind.

$ June 16. Had no heart to confess my sins; could find no words which would do any thing towards it. Saw no hopescarcely any possibility of being either happy or useful. Tried all day to study, but could neither write nor read, and was completely discouraged. It seemed as if I must give up preaching.

“June 17. Had some life this morning, but was harassed with wandering thoughts. Seemed to myself more vile than any other creature existing. Expected an occasion for a funeral sermon, yet could effect nothing. Seldom, if ever, spent a more painful day. Was ready to say, What profit shall we have, if we pray unto him; for I prayed once and again, but found no relief. In the evening, felt a little better, but then was ready to sink, and seemed fit for nothing but to be fuel for God's wrath.

" June 18. Suffered more of hell to-day than ever I did in my life. O such torment! I wanted but little of being distracted. I could neither read, nor write, nor pray, nor sit still.

"June 19. Rose in the same state of mind in which I lay down. Rode out, and felt some better, so that I found some

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liberty to pray.-P. M. Went with fear and trembling to attend a funeral. Was assisted in speaking to the mourners : as the multitude was very great, I was requested to pray out of doors; and, though the situation was new, and I was unwell, I was carried through. Felt some relief from my load of melancholy, and was enabled to write.

"June 20. Set apart this day for fasting and prayer. Was unusually assisted in pleading for increase in holiness. Felt such intense longings and thirstings after more love to God and man, more devotedness to God's will, more zeal for his glory, that my body was almost overcome. Towards night, was enabled to plead with greater fervency than ever, so that I trust this will prove the most profitable day I have ever had. In the evening, was greatly assisted in prayer, so that I could scarcely retire to rest.

"June 21. Went to meeting with raised expectations; but it pleased God to leave me more destitute than usual, though I was carried through. When I first came out of the pulpit, I was not in a very good frame; but before I got half way home, was easy, satisfied, and even pleased to be despised, so that God's will might be done. Was much more assisted in the afternoon. Felt thankful.

"June 22. Very unusual degrees of fervor this morning. Very unwell all day, and did little in my study. In the evening, was overwhelmed with a sense of my own unworthiness. O how wretchedly my life passes away!

"June 23. As soon as I awoke this morning, my heart was filled with most intense love to God and Christ, so that it was even ready to break for the longing desires it had to go forth after God. I was greatly assisted in praying that I might be made an instrument of promoting the divine glory in the world.

"June 25. Thinking it would be more convenient to keep my weekly fast on this day, sought the divine presence and blessing. Felt some warm affections towards my Saviour at first, but afterwards could neither realize my wants, nor pray to have them removed. Continued in this frame till towards night, and was then favored with a deep sense of my utter vileness. Was also enabled to plead, even with agony of soul, to be freed from the power of a selfish nature. Could not think of being any longer subject to it.

"June 26. Much favored. Felt insatiable desires after holiness, and that I might spend every moment of future life to the divine glory.