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porters; for enrollings, exemplifications, bails, vouchers, returns, caveats, examinations, filing of writs, entries, declarations, replications, recordas, noli prosequis, certioraris, mittimuses, demurrers, special verdicts, informations, scire facias, supersedeas, habeas corpus, coach-hire, treating of witnesses, &c.

Verily," says John, "there are a prodigious number "of learned words in this law; what a pretty science "it is!" "Ay! but husband, you have paid for "every syllable and letter of these fine words; bless "me, what immense sums are at the bottom of the "account!" John spent several weeks in looking over his bills and by comparing and stating his accounts, he discovered, that beside the extravagance of every article, he had been egregiously cheated that he had paid for council that were never feed, for writs that were never drawn, for dinners that were never dressed, and journies that were never made: In short, that the tradesmen, lawyers, and Frog, had agreed to throw the burden of the lawsuit upon his shoulders.

CHAP. XII.

How John grew angry, and resolved to accept a composition; and what methods were practised by the lawyers for keeping him from it.

WELL might the learned Daniel Burgess say, that a lawsuit is a suit for life. He that sows his grain upon marble, will have many a hungry belly before

* When at length peace was thought to be eligible upon more moderate terms, a treaty was entered into by

harvest.

harvest. This John felt by woful experience. John's cause was a good milch cow, and many a man subsisted his family out of it. However, John began to think it high time to look about him. He had a cousin in the country, one sir Roger Bold*, whose predecessors had been bred up to the law, and knew as much of it as any body; but having left off the profession for some time, they took great pleasure in compounding lawsuits among their neighbours, for which they were the aversion of the gentlemen of the long robe, and at perpetual war with all the country attorneys. John put his cause in sir Roger's hands, desiring him to make the best of it: the news had no sooner reached the ears of the lawyers, but they were all in an uproar. They brought all the rest of the tradesmen upon John: 'squire South swore he was betrayed, that he would starve before he compounded; Frog said he was highly wronged; even lying Ned the chimney-sweeper, and Tom the dustman complained that their interest was sacrificed t. The lawyers, solicitors, Hocus, and his clerks, were all up in arms, at the news of the composition; they abused him and his wife most shamefully. "You

silly, awkward, illbred, country sow, (quoth one) "have you no more manners than to rail at Hocus, "that has saved that clodpated numskull'd ninnyham"mer of yours from ruin, and all his family? It is "well known, how he has risen early and sat up late

* Robert Harley, afterward E. of Oxford, who was made treasurer in the stead of the lord Godolphin, and there was now not only a new parliament, but a new ministry.

†The measure was opposed by the allies and the general;

the house of commons was censured as totally ignorant of business;

to

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"to make him easy, when he was sotting at every "alehouse in town. I knew his last wife; she was a "woman of breeding, good humour, and complaisance; knew how to live in the world: as for you, you look like a puppet moved by clockwork: your "clothes hang upon you, as they were upon tenterhooks, and you come into a room as you were going to steal away a piss-pot: get you gone into "the country to look after your mother's poultry, to "milk the cows, churn the butter, and dress up nose

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gays for a holiday, and not meddle with matters, "which you know no more of, than the signpost be"fore your door: it is well known, that Hocus had "an established reputation; he never swore an oath, "nor told a lie in all his life; he is grateful to his bene"factors, faithful to his friends, liberal to his depen“dants, and dutiful to his superiours; he values not your money more than the dust under his feet, but "he hates to be abused. Once for all, Mrs. Mynx, "leave off talking of Hocus, or I will pull out "those saucer eyes of yours, and make that red"streak country face look as raw as an ox cheek "upon a butcher's stall: remember, I say, that there

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are pillories and ducking-stools." With this away they flung, leaving Mrs. Bull no time to reply. No stone was left unturned to fright John from his composition: sometimes they spread reports at coffeehouses, that John and his wife were run mad; that they intended to give up house, and make over all their estate to Lewis Baboon *; that John had been often heard talking to himself, and seen in the streets without shoes or stockings; that he did nothing from

and it was sail, that the nation would at last be sacrificed to the ambition of France.

morning

morning till night but beat his servants, after having been the best master alive: as for his wife, she was a mere natural. Sometimes John's house was beset with a whole regiment of attorneys' clerks, bailiffs and bailiffs' followers, and other small retainers of the law, who threw stones at his windows, and dirt at himself, as he went along the street. When John complained of want of ready money to carry on his suit, they advised him to pawn his plate and jewels, and that Mrs. Bull should sell her linen and wearing-clothes *.

After this passage, in some of the early editions followed this small chapter, under the title of

How the lawyers agreed to send don Diego Dismallo, the conjurer, to John Bull, to dissuade him from making an end of bis lawsuit; and what passed between them.

BULL. HOW does my good friend don Diego?

DON. Never worse. Who can be easy when their friends are playing the fool?

BULL. But then you may be easy, for I am resolved to play the fool no longer: I wish I had hearkened to your advice, and compounded this lawsuit sooner.

DON. It is true; I was then against the ruinous ways of this lawsuit, but looking over my scheme since, I find there is an errour in my calculation. Sol and Jupiter were in a wrong house, but I have now discovered their true places: I find that the stars are unanimously of opinion, that you will be successful in this cause that Lewis will come to an untimely end, and Strutt will be turned out of doors by his wife and children. Then he went on with a torrent of ecliptics, cycles, epicycles, ascendants, trines, quadrants, conjunctions, bulls, bears, goats, and rams, and abundance of hard words, which, being put together, signified nothing. John all this while stood gaping and staring, like a man in a trance.

CHAP.

CHAP. XIII.

Mrs. Bull's vindication of the indispensable duty of cuckoldom, incumbent upon wives in case of the tyranny, infidelity, or insufficiency of husbands: being a full answer to the doctor's sermon against adultery*.

JOHN found daily fresh proofs of the infidelity and bad designs of his deceased wife; among other things, one day looking over his cabinet, he found the following paper.

IT

T is evident that matrimony is founded upon an original contract, whereby the wife makes over the right she has by the law of nature to the concubitus vagus, in favour of the husband; by which he acquires the property of all her posterity. But then the obligation is mutual: and where the contract is broken on one side, it ceases to bind on the other. Where there is a right, there must be a power to maintain it, and to punish the offending party. The power I affirm to be that original right, or rather that indispensable duty of cuckoldom, lodged in all wives in the cases abovementioned. No wife is bound by any law, to which herself has not consented: all economical government is lodged originally in the husband and wife, the executive part being in the husband; both have their privileges secured to them by law and rea

* The tories representation of the speeches at Sacheverell's trial.

son:

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