TO MY DOCTOR IN BED.
WITH much regret I hear it said
That you, dear doctor, are in bed,
Quite invalided.

For you the uninviting fare-
The broth, the gruel, made with care,
The milk-is needed.

I mourn, yet grimly chuckle, too,
When thinking that not I, but you,
Should be a fixture;

Not I, but you, must sadly sip,
With utterly unwilling lip,
Some awful mixture.

Not I, but you, must now obey
What dictatorial doctors say,
So interfering!

I might perhaps be less averse
To some attractive youthful nurse,
And find her cheering.

In weather such as we have had,
Your fate may not have been so bad;
In bed one lingers

When blizzards bite the bluish nose,

When cold half numbs the tortured toes,
The frozen fingers.

So I perhaps should envy you,
With nothing in the world to do

But, idly dozy,

And disregarding snow and storm,
To just be comfortably warm,
And snugly cosy.

To pass the time, your pulse you feel,
And dream of charms all ills to heal,
Like some magician;

In mirrors you may see your tongue;
You cannot listen to your lung,
My poor physician.

You read the Lancet, I should say.
Or books on your complaint, all day,
Stiff-bound or limp tomes,
And when you put the volumes by,
You lie and sigh and try and di-
-agnose your symptoms.

MA

95

OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. MESSRS. CHATTO AND WINDUS have omitted one thing that would have contributed to the full success of their publication of The Memoirs of the Duchesse de Gontaut, done out of the French by Mrs. W. DAVIS. They ought to have engaged the services of our E. T. R., who would have been quite at home in illustrating the prehistoric peeps here opened. The Duchesse was gouvernante to those she fondly styles the "children of France" during the Restoration. Of her charges one was The Child of Miracle," born to the Duchesse DE BERRY after the murder of her husband. He was subsequently known to French Royalists as HENRI THE FIFTH, and to the rest of the world as the Comte DE CHAMBORD. What is amazing, in a sense fascinating, to readers at this end of the century, is to find a state of things exist- great impertinence to bring me such proposiing in which such a poor, common-place, tions." Three days later, at two o'clock in fatuous creature as CHARLES THE TENTH the morning, the king was roused ont of his (To could be regarded with reverence, almost peaceful sleep, and packed off to Dieppe by worship, by his fellow-creatures. Madame friends, anxious to save him from the fate of DE GONTAUT, a high-minded, well-educated, LOUIS THE SIXTEENTH. sensible woman, almost weeps over the king as in the days of July, 1830, he sat on the balcony at the Palace of St. Cloud playing whist, the game interrupted from time to time by the sound of the tocsin, and the flashing forth of fresh fires in the streets of revolted Paris. On the 28th of July overtures were made from the revolutionary committee in Paris, which might, temporarily at least, have saved the throne had the king accepted their moderate conditions. think," he said, for all response, "it is a

Importunate Street Urchin (for the tenth time). "GI' US A COPPER, SIR! GI' US A COPPER!" Testy Individual (losing patience). "OH, GO TO "-(substitutes a milder form)--" BLAZES !" Street Urchin. "SURE THIN AN' I WOULD IN THIS BASTLY COULD WEATHER, IF I WAS ONLY CERTAIN O' COMIN' BACK AGAIN!" [Individual's testiness overcome and Urchin rewarded.

THE BARON DE BOOK-WORMS.

Seasonable Conundrum.

Q. WHAT is the difference between laying
down the Golden Rule (Do to others, &c.)
and acting upon it?

4. One is a truism, the other an altruism.
[Mr. Punch advises the well-to-do readers
to work this out practically among the
poor this inclement season.

THRIFT!

"Unsplendid Paupers, in Workhouses and other places where they wish to enjoy themselves" on the cheap.)

IF you'd really learn and practice Thrift (As the frozen poor have needed lately) Get the great Elizabethan gift

Of (economically) being stately."
(Mr. STEAD that dower will explain.)
You must have a castle to begin with;
Then give a Bal Poudré. You will gain!
(Having nothing else to do your "tin"
with.)

The true way to save is-spend your money
On a splendid pageant! Ain't it funny?
SALISBURY for HODGE advised a circus,
Ia Bal Poudré for every "Vorkuss"!

A VALEDICTION TO ST. VALENTINE.

(By an Old-fashioned Fellow.)

OLD friend of the lass and the lover,
They say you are moribund now,
Your rule-it was gentle-is over,
Because-it is "vulgar" to vow,
"No class" to be vassal to Cupid,
"Bad form" to go wooing in verse!
Well, Saint, your old rhymings were stupid
But new ones seem worse.

Your hearts and your darts were as healthy
As daffodils, larks or Spring lamb.
But now we're so wise, and so wealthy,
Simplicity strikes us as sham;

Your empire was kind. if despotic,

And blent of the smile and the tear.
But now we're all "new" and "neurotic,"
And slaves to the queer.

A Beardsley design, now, would shock you.
And so would a verse by VERLAINE.

Our Art, modern Art, would but mock you,
Our poetry give you much pain.

Oh Woman, New Woman, thou clamorest
Loudly for right to revolt.

But oh! from our latter-day Amorist
S. V. would bolt!

'Tis well, good Saint Valentine, truly,
That yon have got notice to quit,
For, faith! you must find us unduly
Devoted to cynical wit.

The poor dear conventional passions,

You voiced, with bird-pipings, in Spring,

Are not "up to date." Love's new fashions
You never could sing!

Good gracious LE GALLIENNE's lyrics,
And DAVIDSON's Lavender-scent,
Would certainly give you hysterics.

Song now, just like wine, must ferment.

The dewdroppy old dithyrambics

You loved, in our day don't go down. Our maidens like brisk galliambics

On which you would frown.

Indeed ithyphallics-but, bless us !
Our poesy. Saint, unto you
Would be like a new shirt of Nessus.
Our art is all yellow-or blue.
And so, poor old boy, 'tis a blessing
You 're off, with a tear in your eye.
Like soft hearts and simple caressing,

You're vulgar! Good-bye!

STRANGE OMEN.-Sir FRANK LOCKWOOD, ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. Solicitor-General, was "entertained," says the Daily Telegraph, "to dinner "-(observe, EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. not "entertained at dinner"; perhaps he had to do the entertaining, then)-" at the House House of Commons, Monday Night, Febof Commons, his host, Mr. JOHN AIRD"ruary 11.-The other day rumour about that (always a host in himself), "being a Conser- TIM HEALY, weary of strife, finding how vative," while the other guests were either sharper than a serpent's tooth is the enmity Conservatives or Unionists. DANIEL in the of parted friends, had resolved to retire from lions' den is the parallel that arises to every eclipse the gaiety of Parliament. political life. That news, if true, would one's mind; but in this instance DANIEL TIM's actually dined with the lions, and probably manner may not be precisely described as felt none the worse for the "feast of reason rather raspy, occasionally vitriolic. If there gay. It is, in truth, somewhat saturnine; is any instruction to be conveyed, TIM approves the fashion of the ancient Israelitish captain, WE haven't as yet seen An Artist's Model who "taught the men of Succoth with thorns at Daly's, but as the piece seems to depend of the wilderness and briars," TIM's former for its go "mainly on the music composed colleagues, now ranged under modest leaderfor it by Mr. OWEN HALL (to clever lyrics by ship of JOHN REDMOND, are, he conscienMr. GREENBANK), it would not be unfair to tiously believes, much in need of instruction. say that it is to its music it is OWEN HALL its So to-night TIM "taught them" with thorns of the wilderness and briars.

and the flow of soul."

success.

ANTICIPATORY.-Should HENRY IRVING, as the acknowledged leading representative of the Histrionic side of Dramatic Art in this country, receive the honour of knighthood, the Lyceum bill might be headed, "Great Success! First Knight!"

A brisk debate, falling into most attractive sequence. This in measure accidental; looked like admirable stage management. First JOHN REDMOND, with his neatly-moulded phrases, his assumption of profound statecraft, his assertion; that Tories please him not, nor Liberals either; his conclusion that since

'NOT A DROP!"

Government are on friendly terms with the major Irish Party, the minor (nine strong) will march into lobby with PRINCE ARTHUR, whom they used to hate, and JOSEPH of Birmingham, whom they scarcely love. Next JOHN MORLEY, stirred to unusually profound depths, his speech glowing above the unwonted fire. Then PRINCE ARTHUR, gracefully skating on exceedingly thin ice, incidentally dropping into imagery on successive phases of the married state, which House, ever alert for personal references, listened to speech or writing is insensibly tinctured with with quickened interest. A scholar's current flavour of his latest study. Odd that just now PRINCE ARTHUR should display this curiously minute knowled and appreciation of various phases of married life as it is to be studied in books of reference.

Finally, TIM, his truculence tempered by humour of the situation. JOHN REDMOND protested he had made no bargain with Opposition in transferring to them his handful of votes. PRINCE ARTHUR had confirmed disclaimer. Too much for tender-hearted TIM. Tears glistened in his eyes; his voice trembled; his hand shook; his body seemed to grow limp, as he lamented this last degeneration of ancient Irish spirit.

I have," he said, "been in alliance witn

the Tory Party before now, and may be again; but I know of no occasion when any Irish party gave their votes unless they got something for them."

That only TIM's fun. Overcoming his emotion, he, with ruthless force, pitiless logic, laid bare position of the new Party of the Muses. Business done.-Parnell te Amendment, supported by Unionists, negatived by 256 against 236.

66

Tuesday.-If you want to make your flesh creep, you should have heard the SPEAKER just now challenging the Lord Mayor of Dublin, whom he discovered standing at Bar; and, as Sir WILFRID LAWSON adds, not drinking." Lord Mayor got up in gorgeous apparel; scarlet gown, ermine-tipped, with gold chain gleaming across manly chest. Recalls days of yesteryear when DAWSON was Lord Mayor of Dublin. Being also Member for an Irish constituency, no autocratic SPEAKER might challenge his right to cross the Bar, whether in civilian dress, or in robes of office. On occasions when he had a petition to deliver he came down, cloaked, in a four-wheeler. Made the heart of Mr. Cove in Members' cloak-room stand still, when he suddenly threw back his wraps, and disclosed glittering garb beneath. Sat on front bench below gangway with inadequate legs partially crossed, his chain mysteriously clanking, motion understood at time to serve double purpose of calling attention to Lord Mayor's presence, and of hinting at the kind of bond that held Ireland to Great Britain.

temporarily overcome by sending policemen and messengers bawling
along all the passages, "Division! division!" This all very well
for the moment; but what is to be done about the bells?
ALBERT ROLLIT, steeped in parliamentary usages, says, "If the
bells won't obey the SPEAKER's order, send them to the Clock
Tower."
STUART promptly places at disposal of SPEAKER & squadron of Star
boys, to run about premises on given signal and proclaim division.
"They 'd do it much better than the policemen and messengers," he
says.

66

True; but as Colonel LEGGE apprehends, thev would be certain in excitement of moment, instead of calling out Division," to lapse into more familiar cry, "Hextra Speshul!" That would never do. Simplest plan is to stop this interminable talk round the Address and get to work. When the electric bells shut up in sheer disgust at

Present Lord Mayor of Dublin, not being a Member. had to sue for admission at door of House. Word passed to Sergeant-at-Arms; gallant officer, having heard something of Irish habits, observed precaution of shouldering mace before he went out to confront the strangers. If they had shillelaghs, the mace, twirled about by lusty arms, might be reckoned on to keep the gate. The messengers not behind in military precaution; men approach the shrine of hauled out the bar-the veritable Bar of House of Commons of which we hear so much and see so little.

Labby's Share.

"Now," said the oldest Messenger, folding his arms and clenching his teeth, "let them do their worst."

Sergeant-at-Arms marched in, mace on shoulder, escorting Lord Mayor and two sheriffs. If they had meant mischief they thought better of it on looking round. Lord Mayor might, it is true, if he were in good condition have vaulted over bar or ducked beneath it, and run amuck up floor. But then the sheriffs. before they could have imitated him, would have been awfully mauled with the mace. Any piratical intention that may have lurked in minds of the insurgents was finally crushed by really awful tone in which the SPEAKER, fixing glittering eye on group at bar, said, "My Lord Mayor of Dublin, what have you there?"

Members expected trembling culprit would produce from under his cloak the horse-pistol, dagger, cup of poison, or whatever he may have brought with him with felonious intent. But he meekly answered, A petition." This he unfolded, and as he showed a disposition to read it through, Members went off.

66

66

waste of time, grown-up men of business may be expected to reconsider the position.

Business done.-TIM HARRINGTON talked for two hours and five minute about ancient history of Maamtrasna.

Friday.-Much murmuring below Gangway just now because to programme of Session already overloaded Government decline to add Bill providing for payment of Members. SAGE OF QUEEN ANNE'S GATE been observed to regard this topic with smiling equanimity. Secret of his content now disclosed. Papers report how Spanish merchant, resident in Barcelona, having studied SAGE's public Parliamentary career, begs leave, as trifling indication of his esteem and admiration, to be permitted to pay SAGE'S election expenses whenever incurred.

"Tis a pretty variation on Spanish devotional habit," says PLUNKET, who has followed BORROW's footsteps in Spain. "More especially in rural districts, pious favourite saint and hang upon it an offering, peradventure poor in intrinsic value, but rich in proportion to their revenues. Expect by-and-by the SAGE will be canonised, and straying by the banks of the Guadalquivir, you shall here and there come upon shrines to Saint LABBY, rich with votive offerings." That may be so," said GORST. "You're always ready to take the poetic view of a thing. But I'd like to wait and see the colour of the money. You know the SAGE has long been firing away at enterprising traders in Spain who, usually dating their missives from a State prison. offer for a slight consideration to disclose fabulous stores of hidden wealth. The SAGE has spoiled their little game. Should like to be quite sure they've not broken out in a new place, and are trying it on first with the SAGE."

46

Business done.-Set-to between the Birmingham Cock and the Yorkshire-cum-Fifeshire Bantam. Odds at first in favour of the veteran. Admitted on both sides the young 'un beat him hollow.

..

QUIET RUBBERS.

OFF to Olympia-greatest show on earth-with wife; also with Business done.-Another day passed talking round Address. BOB and his wife. Find the two ladies wearing goloshes-"rubbers" NAOROJI moved Amendment raising question of financial relations they call them-say "they 've just read in the paper that they are between England and India. Read a paper of prodigious length; universal in America in winter." Annoyed. Never knew my wife's beat the tom-tom for nearly an hour. In churches," said the feet were as large as they seem now. BOB defends goloshes(almost) Reverend JEMMY LOWTHER, an incumbent sometimes hypocrite! Says nothing wets feet like snow, and at any moment reads himself in. NAOROJI reads his congregation out. Mayn't be we may be in for the greatest snow on earth." Stupid joke conquite so black as the MARKISS painted him, but he's quite as long-sidering that a good boot will keep out anything. Why shouldn't winded as could have been expected." the ladies leave their rubbers outside show, in cloak-room-as people do in mosques in the East? Would be quite in keeping with the Thursday.-New Session not quite a fortnight old, and lo! a "Orient.' Ladies say they'll be lost-a good job if they were! strange thing has happened. Electric bells struck-I mean they won't Getting quite sulky, when BOB suggests dinner. Grod dinner! strike. When, just now, House cleared for division on Amnesty Excellent wines! Wife's feet don't look as large now. Why doesn't motion electric knobs touched as usual. Thereupon should have everyb dy wear g'loshes? Old Greeks must have worn 'em-don't followed tintinnabulation of the bells in all the rooms and corridors we read of the Goloshus of Rhodes ?" Old Romans, too, or why outside the Chamber. Only little tinkle heard; sort of weird mock-did they call their Olympia the Golosheum? BOB says they didn't. ing laugh, "Ha! ha!" and then silence. I say they did! Disturbance, Wonder who's making it? Turn

Consequences might have been serious. Last thing well-trained 'em out! They're turning me out! Won't go-send for KIRALFY Member regards as absolute preliminary to voting is to sit throughout-GOLOSHY KIRALFY-there's the word again! GOLOSHY must wear the debate. Scattered far and wide, in library, tea-room, dining-rubbers. People trying to pacify me. Won't let 'em. Back home, room, or smoking-room, when they hear the bell they rush in to Wife crying. What for? Says she will never go out in rubbers again! vote. If they don't hear it they stop where they are. Difficulty Yes, she shall. So will I. Put 'em on now!-To bed in rubbers.