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"Hullo, old chappie," I said to myself; "where did you spring from?"

"Why, it's my proprietor!" said the Rag Doll, ceasing to bubble, and becoming all propriety.

The toy merchant took no notice of what we had said. How could he when our voices were inaudible? But he dusted us with his feather-brush, and left us ready for another dialogue. For all that the Rag Doll didn't think he was coming just then. No more did I.

THE TEN LITTLE MEASURES.

ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.

EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.

House of Commons, Tuesday, February 5.-Almost thought just now we were going to have another BRADLAUGH business. House crowded; Members on all sides eager for the fray. At the bar, closely packed, stood group of newly-elected Members. Seen some of them here before. BROADHURST back again after what seems years of exile. ELLIOTT LEES, deep in thought as to where he shall next go for his groceries in Birkenhead, in centre of the group. The [The measures in the Government Programme are ten in number (says new Solicitor-General, our old friend FRANK LOCKWOOD, like a tall the Westminster Gazette), viz., 1, Irish Land Reform; 2, Welsh Disestab-maple (not Sir BLUNDELL), lifts his head and smiles. lishment; 3, Local Veto; 4, One Man, one Vote; 5, Charging Election Members desiring to take their seats will please come to the Expenses on Rates; 6, Unification of London; 7, A Factory Bill; 8, Estab- table," says the SPEAKER. lishment of Conciliation Boards; 9, Completion of Scottish County Government; 10, Relief of Crofters.]

(An Unionist's Forecast.)

TEN little measures hung upon the line,

One went up to the Lords, and then there were nine.
Nine little measures asked their turn to wait,

One shoved in to the front, and then there were eight.
Eight little measures promising us heaven,

One met a Witler host, and then there were seven.
Seven little measures crossing the Lords' Styx,
One of 'em tumbled in, and then there were six.

Six little measures a-trying to look alive,

One was talked clean off his head, and then there were five.
Five little measures on the Session's lea shore,

One saw GoG and MAGOG there, and then there were four.
Four little measures as weak as weak could be,

One o'er an Amendment tripped, and then there were three.
Three little measures a-looking precious blue,

One met K-R H-RD-E's frown, and then there were two.
Two little measures a-trying a last run,

One of them had "special Scotch," and then there was one.
One little measure then aspired to "cop the bun,"
H-RC-RT coolly chucked it up, and then there were None!
[And then the Government went out, and Unionists had fun!

......

BROADHURST, in the van, sprang forward. Had made a fair start when HENRY JAMES, watchful in aerie on corner bench below gangway, leaped to feet and proposed to discuss the legality of situation. Objection founded on abstruse mathematical problem. Two writs had been moved to fill vacancies in the representation of Leicester. There had been only one election. There should, HENRY JAMES argued, have been two. Consequently, election invalid; the two new Members for Leicester not Members at all, only strangers, intruders across the bar, liable to be whipped off in custody of Sergeant-at-Arms.

Here was a pretty prospect for opening of Session to which SQUIRE OF MALWOOD had come with his pocket full of Bills! Sergeant-atArms glanced uneasily at BROADHURST retreating before interruption. What if repetition of the old process were imminent? Were there to be more carpet-dances on floor of House through summer afternoons, as was the wont of Captain GossET pirouetting to and from the Mace, House not quite sure whether he was clutching BRADLAUGH or BRADLAUGH him? Then the merry scenes in the outer hall, BRADLAUGH fighting at long odds, finally thrust down the staircase, breathless, his coat torn, his stylographic pen broken. BROADHURST a stone or two lighter than BRADLAUGH. But was he equally nimble-footed? Certainly he had not yet acquired the practice which in the second Session of the controversy enabled BRADLAUGH

and the Sergeant-at-Arms to advance, retire, chasser, and clasp hands across the middle, in perfect time.

have, through all this time, resisted attacks on British Constitution. Now, suddenly, publicly, in eye of the scorner, came sharp parting of But a great deal has happened in the fifteen years that have the ways. sped since, from a corner seat on the side of the House facing CHAPLIN viewing state of things depressing industrial communities HENRY JAMES, DRUMMOND WOLFF rose, and with emphatic gesture admitted it was very bad. Mills closed, mines empty, ship-building barred BRADLAUGH's progress to the table. By striking coincidence vards silent, workmen starving. Only one thing would save the that strange chapter in Parliamentary history, opening by chance State-Bimetallism. "Is there anyone," said the orator with magaccident and leading to stirring consequences, was finally closed nificent wave of arm round desolate benches; "who has any other this very night, when AKERS-DOUGLAS moved writ to fill vacancy suggestion to make for the salvation of these industries?" Then up created in South Paddington by death of "Right Hon. RANDOLPH spoke JEMMY LOWTHER. "I have," he said with final tug at the HENRY SPENCER CHURCHILL, Commonly called Lord RANDOLPH blade of the knife hidden in his pocket. CHURCHILL." CHAPLIN stood aghast. Could it be possible-his own familiar HENRY JAMES had not concluded his sentence when SPEAKER inter-friend? He turned, looked down on him, gasping for breath. Then posed with ruling that there must be no interference with Members in a hollow voice he added, "What has my right hon. friend been desiring to take their seats. So incident closed. Members for doing all this time? Why doesn't he make his proposal?" Leicester sworn in. BROADHURST, in exuberance of moment, made as though he would publicly shake the hand the clerk held out to take writ of return. But REGINALD FRANCIS DOUCE PALGRAVE not made K.C.B. for nothing. "The writ, the writ!" he hoarsely murmured, waving back the friendly hand. BROADHURST hastily produced document from breast-pocket, and thus fresh scandal was averted.

Business done.-Address moved.

Wednesday.-Exceptional interest in this afternoon's proceedings in view of circumstance that ELLIS ASHMEAD-BARTLETT (Knight)what was it GRANDOLPH said about mediocrity with double-barrelled names?-would appear in his new character as SILOMIO. Title conferred during recess by delegates from Swaziland. Curiosity quickened by report that début would be made in character. Yesterday we had mover and seconder of Address in velvet suits with silver buttons and brands Excalibur at their side. Why not

Here was an opening for apology, recantation, or at least, submissive silence. But JEMMY evidently gone to the bad; got the bit between his teeth and bolted. "I've made it over and over again," he growled, thinking resentfully of his much crying in the wilderness for that blessed thing Protection. Ribald House roared with laughter. CHAPLIN, cut to heart, avoided repetition of painful incident by bringing oration to early conclusion. "Come

the tide.

"Let's put this matter to practical test, TOBY," he said. along with me, and we'll consult the Unemployed." Not far to go. On Westminster Bridge a hollow-cheeked man leaning over low wall stared at ice-floes silently gliding down with and I daresay you're hungry. Now, in order to put you straight, "My good man," said CHAPLIN, "you look unemployed, which would you rather have, Bimetallism or Protection?" 'Well, if you don't mind. master," said the Unemployed

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huskily, "I'd like a chunk o'

bread."

SILOMIO in the native dress of the nation that has adopted him?
Some disappointment when he turned up in ordinary frock-coat.
Understood that weather responsible for this. Swazi morning dress"these people are so illogi-
"Ah!" said CHAPLIN,
picturesque, but with nine degrees of frost in Palace Yard a little
cal." And he gave him half-
inadequate, especially for a beginner.

Even in commonplace English dress SILOMIO made a striking figure
as he stood at the table, and belaboured it for "Swaziland, my
Swaziland." Looked at times as if he were going to leap over,
and seize by the throat SYDNEY BUXTON provokingly smiling on the
other side. Last week's handkerchief hanging out from his coat tail
pocket, in liberal measure though crumpled state, lent a weird
effect to back view, not interrupted by inconvenient crowding
on front Opposition Bench. Odd how SILOMIO's colleagues in late
Ministry find business elsewhere when he rises to orate.
Business done.-Talking round Address.

a-crown.

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Business done. · Drifted into debate on Bimetallism. Business can wait.

Friday.-SQUIRE OF MALWOOD left sick room to take part in debate and divi

sion on JEFFREYS' Amendment to Address. Self devotion dangerous on foggy, frosty Thursday.-Rather painful scene in House to-night. CHAPLIN night. But the result worth resuming debate on Address led its course gently by the still waters of it, at least for crowded House bimetallism. Somehow that heard the speech. Best that a subiect that has thing of the kind done in never quite entranced House since DIZZY's prime. attention of frivolous SQUIRE evidently profited by Commons. It works necessity for rapidity of comcertain subtle spell position. The sharpest barbs upon them. At clink aimed at quivering figure of of sovereign and shil- JOKIM sitting opposite. ling between argumentative finger and thumb they slink away. So it was to-night whilst CHAPLIN spoke. Faithful among the

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66

'Wot's this he means about stealing my clothes when I

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A Trifle for the Unemployed!
was bathing?" said HARDIE, with puzzled look. "With thirteen
degrees of frost under the fog I DON'T KEIR less than ever about
bathing. As for my clothes, they might suit PRINCE ARTHUR, but
they wouldn't quite fit him."

faithless found was Business done.-Amendment to Address defeated by twelve votes
JEMMY LOWTHER. He in House of 534 Members.
sat attentive beside the
orator with an expres-
sion of profound wis-
dom, unmitigated by
boyish habit of keeping

his hands in his trouser
pocket, not without
suspicion of furtively
counting his marbles or
attempting to open his
knife with the fingers
of one hand.

JEMMY and CHAPLIN rank amongst oldest boys in the school. One took his seat for midLincolnshire in December, 1868; saw the rise to supreme power of Mr. G. and, with some intervals, suffered it up to the end. The other rode in triumphantly from York one July day in 1865. Thus their united Parliamentary ages is fifty-seven, a record hard to beat. Shoulder to shoulder they

Superior Studies.

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THE O. W. VADE MECUM. Question. Is it easy to become a dramatist ?

Answer. As easy as anything else.

Q. What are the requisites"? A. A West-end theatre, a first-rate troupe of artists, a trained audience, and a personality.

Q. What do you mean by a trained audience?

A. An assembly accustomed to accept everything as wit, and to laugh at anything.

Q. Would such a gathering consider it amusing for someone to say "Flirting with one's husband is quite indelicate: it is like washing one's clean linen in public"?

4. Certainly; and would find much to admire in a dialogue given over for something like ten minutes to an exhaustive consideration of muffins.

Q. And what do you mean by a personality?

A. More or less-an insouciant manner, and a rather startling button-hole.

Q. Does the personality require a speech or a cigarette? A. Neither now, as both have ceased to be the fashion.

Q. Given the requisites you have specified for creating a dramatist, what is the product?

A. A trivial comedy for serious people.

Q. Why give a play such a

title?

A. Why not?

Q. Can a comedy occupying

A PURIST IN ENGLISH.'

"YOU CALLED ME VERY LATE THIS MORNING, JENKINSON!"
"YES, SIR, I'M SORRY TO SAY I OVERLAID MYSELF!"

CHINESE VERSION.

TONING IT DOWN. (See the Daily Papers of Last Week.) JAPANESE VERSION. EARLY on Tuesday a severe engagement took place between the Japanese Fleet and the Chinese Flotilla, in which the Chinese ironclads Wi Ho Wi, Bang Tel Bang, and Bosh Lu Rot were sunk. The loss on the Japanese side was a cabin-boy wounded, The Chinese prisoners amounted to 180,000 men.

On Wednesday morning the Japanese landed and took all the forts, and garrisoned the city, which is now completely in the hands of the troops of the Taicoon.

On Thursday the Japanese commenced a general bombardment of the island, and blew up all the forts and sixty-seven powder magazines. The Chinese loss is estimated at 36,000 men. The Japanese escaped unscathed.

On Friday the Japanese made their grand attack and took the

VOL. CVIII.

island by assault, and destroyed
all the enemy's fleet, with the
exception of a gun-boat.

The Chinese Fleet on Saturday
was entirely at the mercy of the
Japanese, and the Admiral is
soliciting for terms. A flag of
truce is floating from the re-
maining Chinese ironclad.

two or three hours in representation be entirely trivial?

A. Not to the members of the audience.

Q. And are they serious people?

A. That depends upon the
condition of their brains and
their capacity of enjoyment.
Q. Does the trivial comedy
require a plot?

A. Nothing to speak of.
Q. Or characterisation ?

A. No, for the same kind of dialogue will do for all the company-for London ladies, country girls, justices of the peace, doctors of divinity, maid-servants, and confidential butlers.

Q. What sort of dialogue? A. Inverted proverbs and renovated paradoxes.

Q. Is this kind of dialogue entirely new ?

4. Not entirely, as something rather like it has been heard at the Savoy for the last ten or twenty years.

Q. But is it good enough for a British Public?

A. Quite good enough. They will laugh when a London lady expresses surprise at finding flowers growing in the country, and roar when they hear the retort, that plants are as common in the provinces as people in town.

Q. But surely this vein of sarcasm, satire, or whatever it is, will some day be worked out. What can the dramatist then do ?

A. Act upon precedent, and try something else.

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but were soon induced to retreat. Many of the Chinese ironclads have seen much service, but are still able to dispose of the enemy.

The Chinese Admiral during THE Chinese Fleet gave a good Saturday has wired to his Govaccount of the Japanese Squadron ernment "The Japanese. after on Tuesday. The slaughter of one slight reverse, having lost all the Japs was enormous, amountheart, are now suing for peace. ing to at least 40,000 sailors and We shall be careful to guard the 50,000 marines. There was no best interests of the empire." loss on the Chinese side. Owing On Sunday the Japanese con- The Chinese Admiral (under to a mistake the Wi Ho Wi lost sented to permit the Chinese Sunday's date) has wired to Pekin a rope, the Bang Tel Bang had Admiral and sailors to uncon--"Have come to arrangement her figure-head slightly damaged, ditionally surrender, and have with Japanese authorities. Shall and the Bosh Lu Rot re-entered arranged to protect them from not return to Pekin. Gocd-bye. port just to have her deck the fury of the Chinese Govern- Those who have no other engagerepainted. The Japanese lost ment. ments are going home to tea. several ironclads and all their torpedo-boats.

On Wednesday an attack of 70,000 Japanese troops was repulsed with great slaughter by the Chinese, and the invaders are now in active retreat. The Chinese have not pursued them, from motives of an entirely philanthropic character.

An artillery duel took place on Thursday between the Chinese troops and the Japanese, in which the latter lost all their war materiel and seventy-nine general officers. The casualty on the Chinese side was one drummerboy slightly wounded-sprain of the left little toe. sa

T For a few minutes the Japanese secured a footing on the island,

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HARD LINES.

(By a Mathematical Bard.)

AH, spooks of EUCLID, NEWTON, weep for me,
For I'm a miserably blighted biped!
And here's the cause-I wrote an ode, you see,
Alluding to a parallelepiped.

I'd spelt my polysyllable all right,

The blessed word I hoped would make me famous;
The vulgar error I'd avoided quite,

And thought no one could call me "ignors mus."
It safely passed in proof through each "revise";
But didn't I rare, when I my book inspected,
And found it by some printer over-wise
To "parallelopiped" miscorrected

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Plumber Joe. "IF THESE 'ERE PIPES 'UD ONLY BUST, THERE'D BE A CHARNCE OF A JOB FOR ME!

ME

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