TALL TALES OF SPORT AND ADVENTURE. Ir did not take me long to make my preparations and devise my plans. In such matters as these I have always found it best to prepare for every possible contingency, and then, with a trustful heart, to leave the rest to chance. I therefore calculated to a nicety the number of miles we should have to traverse, took into account the physical configuration of the country through which we should have to pass, the height of its various mountains, the depth of its valleys, the breadth and current of its rivers, its capacity for food supply, and the nature of its inhabitants. Having done all this, I spare the reader unnecessary details. It would profit him but little if I were to set down exactly the equipment, the clothing, the arms, and all the other preparations which my matchless experience prompted me to make. Such an expedition as that which I was about to engage in can never be undertaken again, for the simple reasons that there are now no pink hippopotami in the world, and that improved methods of communication, ridiculous railways, absurd telegraphs, preposterous telephones, and ludicrously well-metalled roads have robbed life, even in Seringapatam, of all the romance which, in my younger days, cast a halo of adventure round the smallest undertaking. How gloriously we revelled, how grandly we fought, how magnificently contemptuous we were of danger! But now we clothe ourselves in patent wool, we tremble at the shadow of a policeman, we judge everything by the mean standard of its money value. Some day we shall awake from our dreams of false security, when the crash of invasion sounds in our ears, and we see our homesteads ruthlessly trampled down by the hoof of some despised and foreign foe. Then, when it is too late, the public will remember that England still possesses one great leader inured to hardship and danger from his earliest youth, one whom. though a perverse Parliament has slighted him, the greatest warriors and the gallantest sportsmen have been proud to salute as their unquestioned superior. I shall answer to the call with what strength I may still possess, and my prematurely grizzled hair shall be seen waving in the van of my country's defenders; but even an ORLANDO WILBRAHAM (have I men tioned that that was my name ?) must fail if he has only shop-reared dummies to support his efforts. Enough, however, of these mouraful prognostications. My preparations, then, were quickly made. I resolved on confining the numbers of the expedition within the smallest possible limits, and, after much thought, I decided to take only one associate. My choice fell upon Major THEOPHILUS GANDERDOWN. He had gone through the whole of the previous campaign with me, and had proved his solid worth on many a hard-fought field. A man, like myself, of herculean strength, and of inexhaustible endurance, he was eminently fitted to help me in those perilous situations in which I had no doubt we should find ourselves before the adventure was over and the task performed. It was not his fault that he lacked those brilliant powers of initiative, that wonderful ingenuity of resource for which I had already become famous. But one genius of that kind is sufficient in anv adventure, and I knew that for courage, strength, and bulldog tenacity, I could reckon on GANDERDOWN to the death. We fixed our start for a Thursday, always a lucky day for any expedition in which I have been engaged. I gave GANDERDOWN rendezvous at the western gate, at midnight, and bade him maintain the complete secrecy in which all our plans had hitherto been involved. I myself set forth when dinner was over to bid farewell to the beautiful and affectionate CHUDDAH, the last scion of the glorious Rampore dynasty, who was at that time dwelling in the little marble palace on the outskirts of the park of her vindictive aunt, the Ranee of Seringa patam. Ah, CHUDDAH, loveliest of olive maidens, even now, when I think of thee, this war-worn heart beats faster in my breast, and the unaccustomed tear trickles down a cheek seamed by many a scar. How different would my life have been had cruel fate not stepped in to prevent us from fulfilling those mutual vows of eternal love which we had pledged to one another. I, who water these lines with my tears, might now have been the ruler over hosts of dusky myrmidons, the acclaimed chief of the fierce and warlike Châl tribes, whilst thou, a queen, a wife, a mother, wouldst have But, bah, these wailing regrets are unmanly. To my story. (To be continued.) THE NON-CAPITALIST'S Question. Having no cash Answer. A small sum of money would be necessary to purchase a broom-a preliminary step that could not be surmonnted. Q. Quite so. And would a like difficulty arise to prevent you selling lucifers? 4. Certainly, for matches suitable for street hawking cannot be obtained on credit. Q. Would a clerkship be within your reach? A. Scarcely, as a new suit, or a nearly new suit of clothes would be requisite to give one the air of respectability necessary for securing an audience with an employer. Q. Could you not become a company promoter ? A. Not with safety, now that the winding-up business is superintended by a judge capable of understanding the intricacies of city finance. Q. Is there any opening for you as a cab-driver? A. No, as a license cannot be obtained for love, but must be bought with money. Q. Surely you have a chance as a slave to journalism? A. Writing for the press is at all times precarious, and is, moreover, a calling which cannot be followed without a small but impossible expenditure on pens, ink, and paper. Q. Has not life sometimes TRUE DIGNITY. Barbara. Он, MоTHER DEAR, I'VE GOT SUCH A PAIN !" been supported by the successful attempts to borrow from one's friends ? 4. Yes, but this financial condition will have been enjoyed and abandoned before one can truthfully style oneself an ex-capitalist. Q. The sale of information of an interesting character to those concerned has sometimes -has it not-been found of a profitable nature? A. Occasionally, but this again is not only an unpleasant but a dangerous operation, and if resisted, may end with an entirely embarrassing prosecution at the Old Bailey. Q. Then having no cash, no credit, and no references, what career is open to you? A. But one-to become the responsible manager of a theatrical company touring in the provinces. "TEMPORA MUTANTUR."In these days of very late dining hours a performance at 5 P.M., if over at 7, or 7.15 at latest, ought to suit those whose daily work is over about 4 or 4.30, and who dislike "turning out" after dinner if they are at home, and who cannot get away from any dinner party if they are out in time to see even half of the entertainment. The matinée at two is a very difficult time, as it clashes with lunch; but as tea can be taken in the entr'actes, five o'clock seems a very reasonable hour, that is, if the show be over at 7.15, and the dinner hour be 8 or 8.15. to brandish about. Such personal attentions are best performed when you and a string of ten or twelve other 'Arries are banded together. You can then stand up without fear for the rights of the bed-high-spirited young citizen to enjoy himself. HINTS TO SKATERS ON ETIQUETTE AND DEPORTMENT. Do not venture on the ice until you can skate properly. Practice the various steps and evolutions before a looking-glass in your room. on. There is nothing that figure-skaters so much appreciate as the sudden inroad of hockey-players in their midst. It adds immensely to their zest to feel they are liable to be knocked over in the middle of an exciting "rocker" or "mohawk"; and, of course, they like their combined figures to be nicely disarranged, as it enables them to show their skill in sorting themselves again. Hockey should therefore be indulged in anywhere and everywhere. There is a great art in falling gracefully, and it is surprising what a number of interesting, complicated, and unlooked-for attitudes and figures can be thus developed. To ensure perfect confidence at the critical moment, it is as well to hire somebody, say a professional wrestler or prize-fighter, to trip you up and knock you down in all the possible methods. A mattress may be used for beginners to fall The more improbable your manner of tumbling, the greater and frock-coat, unless you are a member of the Skating Club, and Lastly, if you prefer sliding to skating, do not slide in a top-hat success will you achieve in the eyes of the on-lookers. When skating with a lady, you may cross hands, but it is unusual even then it looks ostentatious. Dress appropriately in some quiet for you to put your arm round her waist. This is only done in great costume of kickseys and pearlies, with a feather in your hat. Wear emergencies, or in a thick fog, or when you have the pond to your-your billycock at the back of your head, as it will break your falls. selves. It is generally found that this proceeding is equivalent to Always shout at the top of your voice. skating on very thin ice, and will lead to dangerous consequences. If, however, a lady, who evidently has not complete control of herself, and does not readily answer her helm, steers straight into your arms, you should accept the situation in your best ball-room manner. Do not attempt to avoid a collision, as if you dodge suddenly, the lady, on failing to meet your support, will probably sit down abruptly on the ice, or get entangled with a sweeper. Should you, owing to any unforeseen circumstance, find yourself prostrated at a young lady's feet, do not place your hand on your heart and say she is the only girl you ever loved. These little scenes are apt to collect a crowd. Merely say you stopped to examine the thickness of the ice, or any little plaisanterie you feel capable of inventing. Then retire to a discreet distance and rub yourself. If the ice gives way, and you find yourself in the water, get out as speedily as possible. I do not advise drowning. It is always a wet and uncomfortable process, and has very few recommendations. It is, moreover, quite fatal to true enjoyment, and only those who are morbidly anxious for a "par" in the papers will habitually resort to this mode of creating a sensation. Do not hit people much with any stick you may think it de rigueur A PLEA FOR THE GHOSTS. ONCE we dreamed of a magical | Yet they linger, a fearful joy, Down the magical palaces fall, Headless horsemen and monks severe, Some that arrive each night in the year destroy All their humorous, mild array! Mr. MASKELYNE, learned man! Scoff at Theosophists as you will, Spot each fraudulent gambler's plan, Only allow us our Bogies still! Little we value prosaic truth, If it must scatter these shadowy hosts; Spare us a single belief of youth, Leave us, ah, leave us at least our Ghosts! Candid Vet who has been called in to look at Mr. Noodle's new purchase, which is somehow amiss). "AH, YER WANT TO KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH 'IM? WELL NOW, HE'S BEEN GOIN' PRETTY 'ARD TO HOUNDS FOR A DOZEN SEASONS OR MORE, TO MY KNOWLEDGE, HAS THAT 'Oss. Now, TAKE MY ADVICE, DON'T KEEP 'EM WAITIN' FOR 'IM ANY LONGER,-YOU SEND 'IM TO 'EM!" "ROUGE GAGNE"? MAKE your Game! Is 't fortune, fame, How the bullion's clink and clatter At the sight in shadow grins; Will it win, or, winning, will The Mob-loving Marquis sits. Fall the cards, the ball re-spins Blood a-fire and walls a-flame Menace if-to Wisdom's blame Red wins! THE LONG FROST.-Sportsmen are coming up to town in despair. Their hunters are eating their heads off," and very soon there will be nothing left to tell the tail! THE SEVERE WEATHER. (From Mr. Punch's Very Special Correspondents.) REPORTS from all parts of the country are eloquent of the phenomenal nature of the weather experienced everywhere. By an extraordinary coincidence, of which it is hardly possible to make too much, the intense cold has been accompanied by a lowness of temperature on the (Fahren) height. The Oldest Inhabitant has had a high old time, and been in immense form. To prevent the extinction in future years of this interesting individual, oxen have been roasted freely, and, wherever at all practicable, carriages have been driven over frozen rivers. Occasionally irreverent descendants have roasted the Oldest Inhabitant. It is reported, on the authority of Lord SALISBURY, that the Liberal Party intend at once to engage in snowballing the House of Lords. As the ex-Prime Minister has promised to play the game with no lack of mutuality, interesting developments are expected. -is received every night with even greater enthusiasm than formerly. The following letter will NOT appear in an early number of The Spectator : ANIMAL SAGACITY. tion to what I think I may fairly describe as DEAR SIR,-I desire to draw your attena wonderful instance of animal sagacity. During the recent severe frost a large number of birds and rabbits were fed every day in my garden. On Friday, for the first time, I noticed a fine hare, which, from its appearance, evidently felt the cold bitterly. I fed it, but shivering set in, and pained by its suffering (for I have a kind heart) I took it into the kitchen. Half-an-hour afterwards the cook came to tell me that the kitchenfound out the reason-the girl had been maid was in hysterics. I went down and frightened, when taking up a large jug in it! The hare, poor thing, preferred a which stood on the ground, to find the hare warm death to a cold existence, but, denied the possibility of human speech, its wishes. I have only to add that they had taken this graphic way of indicating were respected at dinner yesterday. Yours faithfully, PEIL ITON. A very remarkable occurrence comes from abroad-considerations of an international character make it advisable not to particularise further. A bishop went out in the middle of a raging blizzard. Although the bishop was suitably attired in episcopal dress, possible, it went on blizzarding, and the that Sir ARTHUR SULLIVAN is a good so that no mistake as to his identity was MEM.-It would not be logical to conclude spiritual dignitary was put to extreme tem- cricketer because of his capital scores. poral temporary inconvenience. Ice floes have penetrated to London Bridge. AN EXPENSIVE CALL TO PAY.-A Call to the Bar. LITTLE MOPSËMAN. THE THIRD ACT. An elevation and rockery in FRÜYSECK'S back-garden, from which -but for the houses in between-an extensive view over the steamer-pier and fiord could be obtained. In front, a summerhouse, covered with creepers and wild earwigs. On a bench outside, MOPSA is sitting. She has the inevitable little travellingbag on a strap over her shoulder. BLOCHDRÄHN comes up in the dusk. He, too, has a travelling-bag, made of straw, containing professional implements, over his shoulder. He is carrying a rolled-up handbill and a small paste-pot. Sanitary Engineer Blochdrähn (catching sight of MOPSA's handbag). So you really are off at last? So am I. I'm going by train. Mopsa (with a faint smile). Are you? Then I take the steamer. Have you seen ALFRED anywhere about-or SPRETA ? San. Eng. Bloch. I have been seeing a good deal of Mrs. FRÜYSECK. She asked me to come up here and paste one of these handbills on the summer-house. To offer a reward for Little MOPSEMAN, you know. I've been sticking them up everywhere. (Busied with the paste-pot.) But you'll see-he'll never turn up. Mopsa (sighing). Poor SPRETA! and oh, poor dear ALFRED! I really don't know if I can have the heart to leave him. San. Eng. Bloch.(pasting up the bill). I shall not believe it myself until I actually see you do it. But why shouldn't you come along with me, if you are going-h'm ? Mopsa. If you were only a married man-but I have to be so careful now, you know! San. Eng. Bloch. It tortures me to think of our two handbags each taking its own way; it really does, Miss MOPSA. And then for me to have to plumb all by myself. Though, to be sure, one can always get round the district surveyor alone. Mopsa. Ah, yes, that you can surely manage alone. San. Eng. Bloch. But it takes two to connect the ventilating shaft with the main drainage. Mopsa (looking up at him). Always two? Never more? Never many? are, after all! (Recollecting herself.) But I quite forgot. I am conventional myself now. You are perfectly right; it would be utterly irregular! Alfred (comes up the steps). Is it you, BLOCHDRÄHN, that has posted up that bill? On the new summer-house! San. Eng. Bloch. Yes, Mrs. FRÜYSECK asked me to. Are you going? Not without MOPSA? Alfred (touched). Then she does miss Little MOPSËMAN, after all! San. Eng. Bloch. (shaking his head). I did invite her to accompany me; but she won't. So I must make my jobs alone. Alfred. It's so horrible to be alone or not to be alone, if it comes to that! (Oppressed-to himself.) My troll is at it again! I shall press her to stay-I know I shall-and it will end in the usual way! Spreta (comes up the steps, plaintively). It is unkind of you all to leave me alone like this. When I'm so nervous in the dark, too! Mopsa (tenderly). But I must leave you, SPRETA, dear. By the next steamer. That is- Well, I really ought to! Alfred (almost inaudibly, hitting himself on the chest). Down, you little beggar, down! No, it's no use; the troll will keep popping up! (Aloud) Can't we persuade yon, dear MOPSA? Do stayjust to keep SPRETA company, you know! "It takes two to connect the ventilating shaft with the main drainage.” San. Eng. Bloch. Well, then, you see, it becomes quite a different matter-it cuts down the profits. But are you sure you can never make up your mind to share my great new job with me Mopsa. I tried that once with ALFRED. It didn't quite answerthough it was delightful, all the same. San. Eng. Bloch. Then there really has been a bright and happy time in your life? I should never have suspected it! Mopsa. Oh yes, you can't think how amusing ALFRED was in those days. When he distinguished himself by failing to pass his examinations, and then, from time to time, when he lost his post in some school or other, or when his big, bulky manuscripts were declined by some magazine-with thanks! San. Eng. Bloch. Yes, I can quite see that such an existence must have had its moments of quiet merriment. (Shaking his head.) But I don't see what in the world possessed ALFRED to go and marry as he did. Mopsa (with suppressed emotion). The Law of Change. Our latest catchphrase, you know. ALFRED is so subject to it. So will you be, some day or other! San. Eng. Bloch. Never in all my life; whatever progress may be made in sanitation! (Insistently.) Can't you really care for me? Mopsa. I might—(looking down)—if you have no objection to go halves with ALFRED. San. Eng. Bloch. I am behind the times, I daresay; but such an arrangement does not strike me as a firm basis for a really happy home. I should certainly object to it, most decidedly. Mopsa laughs bitterly).What creatures of convention you men We've only just time to catch the steamer. Mopsa (as if struggling with herself). Oh, I want to so much! I'd do anything to oblige dear SPRETA ! San. Eng. Bloch. (to himself, dejectedly). She is just like that Miss HILDA WANGEL for making herself so perfectly at home! Spreta (resignedly). Oh, I don't mind. After all, I would rather ALFRED philandered than fretted and fussed here alone with me. You had better stay, and be our Little MOPSËMAN. It will keep ALFRED quiet and that's something! Mopsa. No; it wasonly a temporary lapse. I keep on forgetting that I am no longer an emotional Cuckoo heroine. I am perfectly respectable. And I will prove it by leaving with Mr. BLOCHDRÄHN at once-if he will be so obliging as to escort me? San. Eng. Bloch. Delighted, my dear Miss MOPSA, at so unexpected a bit of good luck. Mopsa. Then, thanks so much for a quite too delightful visit, SPRETA. So sorry to have to run away like this! (To ALFRED, with subdued anguish.) I am running away from you: I entreat you not to follow me-not just yet, at any rate! Alfred (shrinking back). Ah! (To himself.) If it depends upon our two trolls whet her- (MOPSA goes off with Sanitary Engineer BLOCHDRÄHN.) There's the steamer, SPRETA. By Jove, they'll have a run for it! Look, she's putting in. Spreta. I daren't. The steamer has one red and one green eyejust like MOPSËMAN'S at mealtimes! Alfred (common-sensibly). Only her lights, you know. She doesn't mean anything personal by it. Spreta. But they're actually mooring her by the very pier that How can they have the heart! Alfred. Steamboat companies have no feelings. Though why you should feel it so, when you positively loathed the dog. Spreta. After all, you weren't so particularly fond of him yourself; now were you, ALFRED ? Alfred. H'm, he was a decent dog enough-for a mongrel. I didn't mind him; now you did. Spreta (nods slowly). There is a change in me now. I am easier to please. I could share you with the mangiest mongrel, if I were only quite sure you would never again want to follow that minx MOPSA, ALFRED! 0338 Alfred. I never said I did want to; though I can't answer for the troll. But I must go away & mewhere-I'm such a depressing companion for you. I shall go away up into the solitudes-which re |