TOWN AND GOWN. 66 66 at THE Standard, giving its account of Speeches," Eton, on Fourth of June, said, "The speakers were attired in Court dress, the Oppidans wearing their black school gowns. Since when have Oppidans worn gowns, black or otherwise? Those who used to wear gowns were the Collegers. Surely the custom, sanctioned by some centuries, has not been changed. The "Oppidans," or Town Boys, could not possibly be metamorphosed into Gown Boys-at least so writes to us THE TUG OF WARRE. GOOD EVANS!-The Daily Telegraph reported "The Heroism of a Lady." The act and deed was that of Miss EVANS, of Hythe, near Southampton, who, after rescuing a man and a woman from drowning, plunged in again, dived, and resoned a girl, who was sinking for the third and last time. The girl saved will ever gratefully remember Miss EVANS as the lady who "brought her up by hand," and in finishing her education she will not neglect the extraaccomplishment of swimming. Honour to Miss EVANS, who is a real female champion, not of the Salvation Army, but of [Heavens! it's an English Dictionary! a Nautical Salvage Corps ! HOW THINGS WILL OUT. (The Judge is not at home, and Brown, Q.C., asks permission to write him a Note.) Mary Elizabeth Jane. "WOULD YOU LIKE THIS BOOK, SIR? ALWAYS USES IT WHEN HE WRITES LETTERS !" A NOCTURNE IN NOODLEDOM. (What the Heart of the Young Masher said to the Music-hall Singer.) (A LONG WAY AFTER LONGFELLOW.) I see the lights of "the village" A feeling of blueness, and longing As gooseberry does champagne. Come, tip me some snappy poem, Not from the slow old stodges, And were slaves to tune and time: Tip a stave from some Lion Comique, 66 Who, without thought or labour, Such songs have power to quicken That follows the bill-of-fare. So pick from the cad, or the coster, And our feet shall thump tune to the music, And the bills that I cannot pay Shall be folded up, like my brolly, And as carefully put away. THE GOOSE AND THE EAGLE. A GOOSE that had miss-spent a long life, and, in addition to being old and ugly, was of a sour, ill-natured disposition, in despair of rendering herself any longer agreeable to her male acquaintances, conceived the desperate design of emancipating her female friends. MASTER Scarcely had the Goose received the thanks of her audience for this valiant speech, when an Eagle, which chanced to be soaring at that moment in the heavens above them, and was attracted by the clamour that reached him, dropped suddenly to the earth in order to discover the cause of it; to whom the Goose, so soon as she was sufficiently recovered of her fears, humbly addressed her complaint. "Foolish bird!" exclaimed the Eagle, when the Goose had made an end of her complainings, "know you not that what is fixed by Nature cannot possibly be altered by birds; and that if your sex have weaker bodies and the male gender, it is because Nature wills it a less attractive plumage than belong to us of so, and must be obeyed? Learn to be content with what you have, and cease envying those to whom Nature has been more prodigal of certain favours than she has been to you. Remember, also, foolish bird! that strength of mind is not the same thing with strength of body, and that though you may possess the one and pretend to despise the other, yet is Might the foundation of nearly all Right in the animal world, and must remain so because Nature will have it so and must be obeyed." SHAKSPEARIAN CHARACTERS AT MANCHESTER In this new illustration to a Summer's not A Winter's Tale, Perdita should represent the race from the point of "It is intolerable," she declared to a large-Last Friday H. R. H. the Prince of WALES'S assemblage of the latter who flocked together directly the news of her design was noised horse Florizel II. took the cake, or, rather, abroad, "it is intolerable that, whilst all the the Manchester Cup. Florizel II. is now Florizel I. good things of this life are reserved for the exclusive use and enjoyment of our male tyrants, we poor female creatures should be put off with feeble bodies and dowdy, unattractive plumage. I will go immediately to the King of Birds and demand the instant redress of these grievances under pain of my serious displeasure." view of those who didn't win. ANOTHER TITLE!! SUPPLEMENTAL GAZETTE OF BIRTHDAY HONOURS.-Dr. W. G. GRACE to be Cricket-Field-Marshal. "JUST LOOK AT MR. JONES OVER THERE, FLIRTING WITH THAT GIRL! I ALWAYS THOUGHT HE WAS A WOMAN-HATER?" "So HE IS; BUT SHE'S NOT HERE TO-NIGHT!" "AS SIMPLE AS ITALIAN." (A Dramatic Fragment from Drury Lane.) SCENE-The Auditorium of the National Theatre. Present the customary throng. A performance on the stage is occupying the spectators' wrapt attention. Newly-married couple in stalls holding a discussion in undertones. Angelina. I am so glad, dear, you did not get a book of the words. It will be such a capital exercise for my Italian. I find that I can understand every word. Edwin (happy to have saved the expense of purchasing a translated libretto). Quite so, dear. You can tell me what they are doing. Ang. Certainly, dear. Look, they are now having supper. You see, the heroine called for candles, and the waiter put them on the table. And now they are talking about things in general. And that is Armande. And don't you see Marguerite is ill. Edwin. Yes; she is fainting in front of a window. Ang. Exactly. Italian is so easy-almost like English. She gives him a flower, and he goes away. He says adieu, and then the curtain falls. Edwin. Was that in Italian too? Ang. Don't be absurd. (They discuss things in general, until the curtain rises on the Second Act.) Look, it is the same scene. You see, they are engaged. She is making love to him. Fawin. Is that why he is sitting in a chair with his back to the audience while Marguerite strokes his hair? Ang. Yes. While she is stroking his hair she is saying how fond she is of him. And now he is telling her how fond he is of her. Edwin (after a quarter of an hour). What are they saying? Ang. Oh, just the same thing over and over again. The Italian language is so beautiful. "Oh, Armande!" She calls him by his Christian name. She is so attached to him. Edwin. But what was the meaning of that? Ang. (at the end of the Act). Oh, don't you see, he said something that pleased her. Then she kissed him. Really, I had no idea how easy Italian was. Of course, one understands it from knowing French. (Entr'acte passes as before, and curtain rises on Act Three.) Ah, here we are at Auteuil. Yes, and here comes Marguerite with some flowers. Isn't it interesting? Edwin. Isn't this piece rather like the Traviata? Ang. I don't know. But I never saw the Opera. And there, that old gentleman has come to call upon Marguerite. Edwin. Why, of course, like the old chap with the baritone song. Now I begin to understand Italian myself. Ang. Do you, dear? Well, you see, he was going to be rude, and then they made it up, and she gave him a chair. And there, do you see? she leaves a letter for Armande. It is for him to read. And now she leaves him. And he is reading the letter. Edwin. And doesn't seem to like it. And there's the old chap (without the song), and he is consoling him. Ang. (after a glance at her playbill. Yes, because they are father and son. (The Fourth Act passes, and she explains to her husband that Marguerite has been playing at cards, and that Armande is very angry with her.) That's why he throws money at her. Edwin. Rather a cad-Armande. Ang. Oh, no. You know we must not judge foreigners by an English standard. (The last Act commences.) You see, she is very ill. That cradle covered with rugs is her bed. Edwin. Indeed! Ang. Yes. And that I suppose must be the doctor. I wonder what they are saying! This Act they all seem to be talking faster than they did in the others. That old woman was her friend. I wonder why she has left her like that! Edwin. Didn't she say something like "What a rum go?" It is the only line I have understood since the commencement of the performance. What is she saying now? Ang. (hesitating). Well, I am not quite sure. But you see she is very ill. She scarcely recognises Armande. Edwin. What is he saying? What has he done with his father? Ang. (perplexed). I can't quite follow this Act-they talk so fast. Edwin. And, I say, why on earth have these two turned up? A lady in complete bridal costume-wreath, veil, and all-and a chap in evening dress. What on earth have they got to do with the story? Ang. Don't you think, dear, we had better get a book? Edwin (ignoring the suggestion). There's the poor thing dead! Ang. Ah, I understood the last bit quite well. The Italian language is so much more expressive than our own, isn't it, dear? Edwin. Darling, it is! [Cigarettes, cabs, and Curtam. ROUNDABOUT READINGS. In the world that we live in our troubles are great Ir has been noticed by philosophers that a mere name will often lead a man to his ruin. Why, for example, was JOHN DARLEY fined twenty shillings and costs at the Tynemouth Petty Sessions? He met a boiler-smith, RICHARD ROTHWELL, riding on a bicycle. AT Owens College, Manchester, so I gather from the letter of Thereupon, without any apparent "An Old Student" in The Manchester Guardian, some of the reason, he used abusive language, students are beginning to feel, that "while its teaching of specific bashed the unoffending boiler- subjects is admirable, in fact, unsurpassed, its general educationsmith on the nose, brandished a that education which consists in the development of men-has not knife, and shouted_out, "Come yet reached the same level." They therefore wish to develop on!-I'm JOHNNY DARLEY, from athletics, and by making the modest subscription of 10s. 6d. comByker." There you have it. Re-pulsory on all, "to decoy the unathletic man into taking exercise siding, as he did, in a perpetual almost without knowing it." At present only 150 out of 800 students comparative, he naturally despised pay up. I heartily commend this proposal, though I confess I should and loathed the positive "byke." like to know what sort of exercise it is that a man can take almost Hence his violent assault on its without knowing it. Let the unathletic man be decoyed by all rider. means, but let him thoroughly understand that he is to take exercise, and take it, if possible, with reasonable violence. I OBSERVE, with deep regret, that Professor LLOYD, of Southport, has been fined for trespassing on a railway bridge at Preston. The Professor did not want to stay there. All he wished to do, and all that he actually did, was to dive off into the water below. He is an aquatic Professor, and informed the Bench that he was obliged to do these things to keep up his reputation. I'LL tell you a tale of Professor LLOYD, But LLOYD, the Professor, he up and spoke, Up on the bridge I stand for awhile, I stand till I fairly shiver, Then down I go-it seems like a mile And I plunge in the bubbling river. I hope your worships won't "queer my pitch," Is so closely combined with bubble." I WISH I had been in Hawick lately. Ever since I first learnt the rudiments of the English language I have been haunted by a desire to know how a man looked and acted when he "bussed the Standard." They've done that at Hawick "in connection," as I read, with the celebration of the ancient custom of the Common Riding." Later on "the local slogan Teribus' was sung with great vigour." There is something crushing, scattering, and battle-heralding about the mere sound of that fearful word. 66 MR. N. F. DRUCE, of Cambridge, is, as I write, at the head of the And consider the greatness of GRACE and of DRUCE. ASCOT. To Monsieur Punch. CHER MONSIEUR,-Last year I am gone to your races of Ascot. It is beautiful, it is ravishing, but how it is dear! Thousand thunders, how it is dear! I go to the Grand Prix, I pay twenty francs, that is also dear, but it is all, it is finished. Eh well, I desire to see one time your Gold Cup, and I go of good hour by railway. Arrived there I pay one pound, that what you call one sov., and I enter. suppose I can go by all-partout, how say you? Ab, but no! I see by all some affiches "One Pound." I can to write your language enough well, but I speak with much of difficulty. Therefore I read the affixes without nothing to ask. Thus when I read "One Pound" I go no more far. I walk myself in the charming garden and I see the beautiful misses. Ah how they are adorable! DAUDET has wrong, DAUDET is imbecile, they are adorable. It is not the pain to pay again some pounds for to see to run the horses, when I can to see the misses who walk themselves here, without to pay of more. hour of the déjeuner. But without doubt one is obliged to pay one But in fine I am fatigued. Also I have great hunger, for it is the pound before to enter the bar. My word, I will not I shall not pay one sov., and more, for a squashed lemon and a bun of Bath. I go to smoke at place of that, and I walk myself at the shade all near of an arch. J. B., who describes himself as "A Residenter in Oswald Road," All of a blow all the world lifts himself and comes very quick writes to The Scotsman to complain of the flimsy material used in the towards me. I cannot escape, I am carried away by the crowd, I construction of the lamp-posts near his dwelling. The other day a arrive to the arch. I think "Du courage, AUGUSTE mon cher! Sois milk-van ran away-at least, the horse drawing it did. One would calme! S'il y a encore une livre à payer. 19 But there is no think," says J. B., "the progress of such a small vehicle would have sov., and I pass. Thousand thunders! What is, then, this noise ? been arrested by coming into collision with one lamp-post, but four Is he a revolution, a riot of Anarchists ? Ah, no! It are the bookposts were destroyed by the van. On examination it is found that makers. The bookmakers in the midst of the ladies! Hold, it is the foundation of a street lamp-post only goes three inches into the droll! And I pay one sov. to stand with those men there! It is too stone below it. With such a short hold the lamp-post is easily strong! I go more far, I pass the barrier, I am alone on the grass. toppled over." Of course it is. To fix lamp-posts so inadequately gives a direct encouragement to milk-vans to run away and attempt their destruction. Let the Lord Provost of Edinburgh look to it. THE Master and the Matron of the workhouse at Stratford-onAvon have resigned, and the guardians have been "considerably discussing" the appointment of their successors. Eventually it was resolved, not only to reduce the salaries, but also-hear this, ye licensed victuallers !-to cut off the beer-money hitherto paid. What dignity can possibly attach to a workhouse officer who has to pay for his own beer? It is by such insidious attacks as this that the foundations of public confidence are shaken, and the whole fabric of the Constitution is endangered. My mind misgives me when I attempt to forecast the future of Stratford. Ar Tetbury there is a lodge of the recently-established Conservative Working Men's Benefit Society. It is called-absit omenthe Trouble House Lodge, and quite recently it held a fête and dinner. 'Tis always fête-day somewhere in the world. Indeed, the amount of fetes that take place on any given day in provincial England is astounding. Without frequent fêtes no district can be considered respectable. VOL. CVIII. 66 I go to left. I see some men, in a cage of iron, who cry also. CC Chinaman. MUCH OBLIGED TO YOU FOR THIS LITTLE ADVANCE; BUT I'M AFRAID I SHALL WANT SOME MORE SOON." Bear (aside) 'So SHALL I A GOOD DEAL MORE-FROM YOU." [Hums "Oh, honey, MY honey!" Auntie. "ARCHIE, RUN UP TO THE HOUSE, AND FETCH MY RACKET. THERE'S A DEAR!" 66 66 Are you a Scorcher, young "What is your ideal, young Man?" said the Maid. A RULE OF CONDUCT. You say to a man what you couldn't write to him; and you write to a man what you wouldn't say to him.-JAMES THE TRANQUILL PENMAN, J.P. SCRAPS FROM CHAPS. A FAMOUS old mill has been burned to the ground. None other than that situate upon the river Dee, where a certain jolly miller sang songs and earned the envy of "bluff King HAL" in days of old, wearing the white flour of a blameless life. He also wore a white hat, for the purpose, it is said, of keeping his head warm. The modern miller wears one in summer to keep his head cool. No doubt he found it useful at the fire. Great thing to keep a cool head on such occasions. The mill has now been destroyed by fire four times. There was an ancient prophecy, according to a local paper, that it was doomed to be burned down three times. This Delphic oracle would, of course, have inspired the simple gentlemen modern miller of the Dee" has committed a paradox, and profited of old Greece to give up insuring after the third fire. Probably the by a lofty disregard for his prophet. 66 ALL Saints Church, Old Swan, is the first Liverpool church which has adopted the innovation of lady choristers wearing the new surplices and caps, which have been specially designed for their use. The surplices are quite unlike those used by the clergy; they are more like dolmans. The caps are of the shape worn by a D.C.L., and are made of violet velvet. One of the most cogent reasons for their adoption is expressed by the Rev. Canon WILKINSON, who, as appears from the Sheffield and Rotherham Independent, writes thus:- "Since these garments have been introduced, the offertories in the church have been increased by at least one-third." INTERNATIONAL DISCOURTESY.-The French law, it seems, requires the owner of a yacht, in which he is himself sailing, to supply stores of victual and drink for his crew. A French yacht put in at Dartmouth, says the Field, and the Dartmouth Custom-house officials darted down on her, and made the owner pay for what he used of his own. "They manage these things better in France." This would have been indeed, a 'Custom' more honoured in the breach than in the observance." 66 66 |