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SMITHSON, HAVING RECENTLY BOUGHT A COUNTRY PLACE AND GONE IN FOR SPORT, HAS BEEN ADVISED BY A FRIEND TO DO HIS OWN EXERCISING DURING HARD WEATHER, "AS IT INSURES YOUR HORSES AGAINST THE NEGLECT OF GROOMS, AND ALSO KEEPS YOU IN FORM."

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[He tries it, and finds it-as above.

Now I've long had an ambition to far England for to go,
Don't you know,-that is so!

See Empress-Queen VICTORIA and Mister WALES also.

I'm asked to go-to that show!

The Empress-Queen to visit me doesn't care.

(And doubtless Afghan fashions might make VICTORIA stare.)
But there I swear-I'll go!-and I'm going!

Men may say "It's the Shah that this show's about!"-
And another "You're an ass, Sir!

'Taint the Shah-in-Shah at all-you 're a long way out!"-
"Go on!"-he 'll say,-" ain't it NASS'R ?"
Chorus.-No, it's AB-DUR-RAHMAN, &c.

So I'll dress the part as near as can be,
Please JOHN B.-don't you see!

My close-fitting lambswool and silver filagree,
Empress V.-might find "free."

Should the tribesmen twig this peculiar rig

They'd think their Ameer had turned Infidel Pig.

What a toff!-Well, I'll say-I'm here-to see the Empress !What is that " coon" all the comics sing about?

Mister BROWN-JOHN JAMES!

If as to me Mister BULL has a doubt,

Go on!-I'll say.-My names?
Chorus.

Why, they're AB-DUR-RAHMAN, son of AFZUL, son of DOST
MAHOMMED, wearer of the Afghan Crown.

Don't
you know me P-Go on P-Well, you will very soon,
For I'm AB-DUR-RAHMAN KHAN, the dandy Afghan coon!

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paint a donkey like that? By Jove, BRIEFLESS, you are in luck You ought to make a fortune out of it at CHRISTIES!"

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Why, is it very valuable ?" I asked. "I am not much of an art connoisseur, and I frankly confess I know very little of Old SHOES."

"Old Boors, Sir!" cried APPLEBLOSSOM, Q.C. "Why I thought all the world knew Old Boors! One of the grandest painters of the eighteenth century! He got that particular delicacy of touch which you can trace in that donkey's ears by never commencing to paint his animals until he was recovering from delirium tremens. Why, Sir, that animal is simply superb. Look at his mane, Sir! Why, it is simply marvellous!'

I did look at the donkey's ears and mane, and, with the assistance of young BANDS, went into an ecstasy. The ears of the animal were certainly magnificent.

I must admit I was excited during the rest of that eventful evening. I determined to keep the secret of my good fortune to myself. I thought I would surprise the lady who does me the honour to bear my name, by telling her that I had become a rich man after I had cashed the cheque I was sure to receive. All the following day I made plans for the spending of my fortune. I would have a box in the Highlands, a pied-à-terre in Paris, and a pyramid in Egypt. I would present my Inn with a massive gold snuff-box, and PORTINGTON should have a silver-mounted meerschaum. If my age did not bar my progress, I would seek service in the Militia-as a lieutenant-colonel. There was no limit to my ambition.

When I returned, Mr. WILKINS (who is thoroughly conscientious), having finished the rebuilding of the pantry and the whitewashing of the bath-room, had departed. He does not waste his time, and only charges me for the hours he actually expends in honest labour. I hurried to the spot where my Old Boors was temporarily resting before removal to the far-famed auction-rooms in King Street, St. James's. I turned pale.

"It

"Why, what is this?" I asked, trembling with emotion. "Your commission, dear," said my better seven-eighths. looks better than the picture, although I must say the donkey improves on acquaintance. It really was very well painted. I am quite sorry Mr. WILKINS has taken it away."

"WILKINS taken it away ?" I gasped out.

"Yes. He said that you didn't seem to care for it, so he went off to try and sell it."

"Why!" I exclaimed, and my voice, through my deep emotion, dropped almost to a whisper, "it is an Old Boors!

An Old Boors!" cried my better seven-eights, becoming as excited as myself. "Why, our fortunes are made! An Old Boots! Oh, why didn't you tell me! An Old Boots! Fancy having an Old Boots!"

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Charge, CHESTER, charge."

th-i-nk

Your di-o-cese will stand,

But do not, do not stain with i-n-k

Your Gothenburgian hand.

in

Do what

you

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AIR-" Bonnie Dundee."

To our own G. O. M. 'twas
the doctor who spoke;
"You'd better get out of
our frost, fog, and
smoke.

You are now eighty-five,
though a wonder you be;
So follow the sun, bonnie
W. G.!

Come flit from cold Hawar-
den, and fly off to
Cannes,

The sunny South calls you, our own Grand Old Man! Take the first train de luxe, and be off, fair and free,

To RENDEL and roses, dear W. G.!"

The G. O. M.'s off to the southward-to meet

Not sunshine, but train-
stopping snow-drift and
sleet

Yet he "pops up" at Cannes as alert as can be,
After five hours long snow-block, our W. G.

Then fill up the cup to our CRICHTON at Cannes.
NESTOR wasn't a patch on our own Grand Old Man;
May he come back as bonnie as bonnie can be,
For we've not seen the last of our W. G.!

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OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.

Ir is noteworthy how in recent years, in the matter of fiction, the star of Empire shineth in the North. After WALTER SCOTT established the sovereignty of Scotland in the world of British fiction, there was a long pause. In our generation WILLIAM BLACK came to the front. Later, we have had STEVENSON, BARRIE, and CROCKETT. Now here is IAN MACLAREN with his cluster of gem-like stories gathered Beside the Bonnie Briar Bush (HODDER AND STOUGHTON). My Baronite tells me that of the collection Mr. GLADSTONE likes best "A Doctor of the Old School." Where all is good it is difficult to establish supremacy. But for simple pathos and for the skill of drawing with a few touches living figures of flesh and blood, this sketch is certainly hard to beat. Yet "A

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Lad of Pairts" runs it close. A very beautiful book, full of human nature in its simplest form and most pathetic circumstances.

Says the Baron, "What I who have read Mr. BRAM STOKER's latest romance could tell you about The Watter's Mou' would make your mou' watter with longing desire to devour it. It is excellent: first because it is short; secondly, because the excitement is kept up from first page to last; and thirdly, because it is admirably written even throughout; the scenic descriptive portion being as entrancing as the dramatic. It is brought out in the Acme Series in charge of A CONSTABLE, and its full price is only one shilling."

"To ROME FOR SIXTEEN GUINEAS."-The travellers, it is announced, will be "lectured by the Bishop of PETERBOROUGH and Mr. OSCAR BROWNING." What a delightful prospect for a pleasant trip! Fancy being lectured all the way as to what to eat, drink, and avoid, on comportment and deportment, on smoking, on registration of baggage, on economy, etc., etc., by a Bishop and one of the OSCARS. O what a time they will have of it!

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A good short story is to be found in A Clear Case of the Supernatural, by REGINALD LUCAS, only as it is by no means a clear case," it might have been appropriately entitled, Fluke or Spook. THE BARON DE BOOK-WORMS.

MOST APPROPRIATE.-"Gunner J. C. ROCKETT promoted to rank of Chief Gunner in the Queen's Navy." Of course, quite right to send up a Rockett. Only got to present him with a house at Gunnersbury and the thing is complete.

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Proud Mother (to irritable Old Gentleman, whose beard her little Boy is pulling out by the roots). "LITTLE DARLING! IT'S NOT OFTEN HE TAKES SO KINDLY TO STRANGERS!"

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DING-dong the lasses go! My patience it quite passes, O! My brain it turns, though with ROB BURNS, I dearly love the lasses, O!

There's right and wrong on either hand; that's clear to all but asses, O! So hold your whist, drop each your fist, and to me list, fair lasses, O! Lancashire lass, I like you well. You're buxom, brave, and bonny, O!

But do not slight your sense of right in hasty greed of money, O! When North v. South "clemmed" many a mouth, what patient, patriot spirit, O!

Lancashire showed! All England glowed. That spirit you inherit, O!

But in your wrath you've missed the path of fair and patriot dealing, O!

Nay, do not pout. You'll wake, no doubt, to right Imperial feeling, Of

The Empire's wide and can't be tied by shackles greed-begotten, O! My only duty now, my beauty, 's not-to sell your cotton, O!

Of bulk and bale your sale won't fail-if you keep up the quality, O! And do not trust to "devil's-dust"-which mars our merchantpolity, O!

Some rascal-muffs, with loaded stuffs, have spoiled the Eastern market, O!

Miss INDIA there will tell you where, and when she whispers, hark it, O!

But with good goods you'll hold your own, despite that import duty, Ö!

But you can't have all your own way, my bold-but angry— beauty, O!

Miss INDIA there needs constant care; she has not your resources, O! You raise your voice against my choice 'twixt two unwelcome courses, 01

But I-though loth-considering both on my responsibility, O!
Have done my best, and for my pains from both meet incivility, O!
I've tried to bear the balance fair, 'twixt countries, trades, and
classes, O!

And lo! my lot is anger hot from both you bickering lasses, O!
Miss INDIA's eyes, at the Excise, excitedly are flashing, O!
My dusky dear, 'tis hard to steer 'twixt interests wildly clashing, O!
I love ye both, and I were loth to make or see-ye quarrel, O!
But-a divided duty's mine, and that's my homily's moral, O!
And so, my dears, abate your fears, and likewise stint your shindy, O!

The Lass of Lancashire should shake hands with the Lass from
Indy," O!

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I'll do my best for East and West. Brim high three bumper And let's drink health, and love, and wealth to both my bonny glasses, O! lasses, O!

A Colourable Correction.

"BORED to blues by a Blue-Book"? I fear you are not
Up to date in your choice of a tint, my dear fellow.
The type of sheer boredom, and dulness, and rot,
Is not now the Blue of old days, but the Yellow.
As Blue-Stockings now half the sex might be mustered,
The New Woman doubtless wears hose hued like custard.

NEXT BEST THING TO THE PERSIAN LOCOMOTIVE CARPET OF EASTERN FABLE.-The "Travelling Rug" of Western fact.

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"A DIVIDED DUTY."

MR. BULL. "NOW, GIRLS, STOP THIS! REMEMBER I AM RESPONSIBLE FOR YOU BOTH."

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