HERCULES AND OMPHALE; OR, PETTICOAT GOVERNMENT.

Hercules (Prince Bismarck). "I BELIEVE THAT FEMALE SYMPATHY WITH OUR POLITICAL INSTITUTIONS IS A MUCH STRONGER BULWARK AGAINST SOCIAL DEMOCRACY THAN OUR

REVOLUTION BILL WOULD HAVE BEEN IF IT HAD BEEN PASSED. (See Daily Papers.)

New Assistant (after hair-cutting, to Jones, who has been away for a couple of weeks). "YOUR 'AIR IS VERY THIN BE'IND, SIR. TRY
SINGEING !" Jones (after a pause). "YES, I THINK I WILL.
Jones. "THANK YOU. YES."
Jones. "PLEASE." N. A. "MAY I GIVE YOU A FRICTION?"

N. A. (after singeing). "SHAMPOO, SIR? GOOD FOR THE 'AIR, SIR."
N. A. YOUR MOUSTACHES CURLED?"
N. A. "WILL YOU TRY SOME OF OUR-
Manager who has just sighted his man, in Stage whisper). "YOU IDIOT! HE'S A SUBSCRIBER!!"

Then a Wise Man (less sage than the majority of his fellows) pro-will not be descriptive of the state of the seats in the Agricultural ROYAL MILITARY TOURNAMENT.-The initials being "R. M. T." posed a little "slumming." "He might visit the East End, and pass a night in a Casual Ward." Hall during the performance. The announcement will be "Are Fortunately for the honour of the British Empire the proposal Quite Full," not "R. M. T." was negatived without the formality of a division.

they are merely!" properties," for the public expects all striking literary personalities to write with pipes in their mouths.

Come to me! I fear ye not. It is ye who confer celebrity. I know ye so well. I shall follow ye out into the garden, and ye shall carry stylographs in your waistcoat pockets, and I will relate to ye my early literary experiences, give ye my theories on the Social Question, and let ye kodak my child in its perambulator.

I know ye; ye will convey a totally false impression of my views, which I shall have to write to all the leading journals to correct. Ye will force me into the publicity and self-advertisement from which my sensitive soul shrinks. Ye will describe the insides of my rooms, for the benefit of the buzzing swarm which has hitherto shown no overwhelming curiosity concerning the insides of my works.

Still, I do not mind your coming, provided that ye give me an opportunity of revising a proof of the interview. Ye are necessary nuisances.

BETWEEN THE LINES.

["The insertion of advertisements at enhanced prices in the very body of a magazine is the noblest achievement of journalistic enterprise. This intrinsically beautiful idea, however, admits of considerable development in the near future, unless, as is improbable, the reading public declines to take its romantic literature in piebald strata."-The Type Worm.]

A TWENTIETH CENTURY IDYLL.

LAZILY, dreamily, we floated down the pellucid stream, ASPASIA at the single thwart, I, her loved one, at the tiller. The last gleaner had left the fields. Over the grave of the dead sun I saw the eye of Hesperus, early and thoughtful. The words of the Poet Laureate came back to me; it seemed that "in yonder Orient star a hundred spirits whispered

in the direct line. Make what use of this you like. It has been none to me."]

"Peace!" Now the light shallop trembled to the stroke of ASPASIA'S Sculls, and the brawny muscles lifted beneath her flannel suiting. Myself so frail, I adore the pride and prowess of womanhood, that moves through the world conquering and to conquer. This life of the open air, so free, so expansive, that despises the thought of

THE POET AND HIS INTERVIEWERS. I Do not dwell in a back-attic with the windows pasted up with brown paper, neither do I wallow up to my eyes in a litter of manuscript with flue on the carpet and dust on all the furniture. If ye, or [COHESIVE CORSETS.-Supply the want, or disguise the the Public, have any such impression, ye are very much mistaken. existence, of adipose deposit. Send immediately a plaster cast of I may be a literary person and a prose-poet; but I live quite respect-your bust. Insure against fracture in the Parcel Post.] ably, and have everything handsome about me. Come and see! control or seclusion, how different from that of men, studiously Ye will find the doorsteps freshly scoured, and the door-handle repressed in a hothouse atmosphere of fashion and traditional probrightly polished-which ye will make a note of after ye have rung prieties. We only guess of their world from hearsay or from books. the bell. And most of these are by women for women, and Papa says they are not fit for innocent men to read. And so we have to be content to study dress and the lures that fascinate the other sex. But they they go forth to fight our battles, make our laws, have their part in the stir and excitement of

66

A trim parlourmaid-whom ye will allude to as a neat-handed PHYLLIS"-will open the door, and request ye to wipe your dirty boots upon the doormat in the passage-which ye are expected to mention as the "spacious entrance hall."

I shall stand on the threshold of my dining-room, and receive ye [THE BENEFICENT COVER SYSTEM.-You pay your with as much surprise as if the visit were not by previous appointment; shall accompany ye through all my rooms, and tell ye in-money and we pocket it. No further liabilities whatever.] teresting facts about the china and the chimney ornaments. I shall not object to your bringing a camera and taking views of my Cosy corner" and my hat and umbrella-stand.

They are exactly like those of everybody else, so they are sure to be pleasing to an art-loving Public.

Ye will find in the drawing-room the perfume of many flowersprovided I do not forget to send out for some penny bunches of violets beforehand and ye can take a photograph of the cottage piano and my pet canary (which usually has its habitation in the kitchen, as I loathe all birds-but this is not for publication).

I will show ye the stand of wax-flowers fashioned by my maternal grandmother which will give ye an opportunity of commenting upon the heredity of genius in my talented family- and ye may peer into the silver épergne that was presented to my Uncle at the Cattle Show for a prize pig. Ye will probably think it necessary to make a copy of the inscription.

In the study-to which I shall humorously allude as my "den "there is little of general interest except my old carpet slippers. Mayhap ye will point to a few pipes that lie on the mantelpiece; but

the world, while we sit at home and tattle over the tea-things and
marry when we're asked. And, à propos, how I longed to tell ASPASIA
that my heart is hers! But I am a man; it was for her to speak.
At last she pulled herself together with the self-assurance of a
woman who knows that

[OUR MATCHES STRIKE ONLY ON THE TROUSERS.]
the weaker sex is at her mercy. "Dear ARIEL," she began, and her
deep mulierile notes vibrated through my fluttering chest; "dear
ARIEL, this halcyon eve, this ethereal air that breathes the subtle
incense of eucalyptus-all, all, invite me to offer you
[LITTLE TEASERS-For the liver. As used in the Russo-
Japanese negotiations. The Arch-Prince General von SCHPLITVISKI
sends us the following despatch:-"Plenipotentiary ITA BINO had a
difference with me on the question of a peninsula. Two of your
LITTLE TEASERS, however, came home to him, and he is now
more amenable. You have my authority for stating that your
system of internal adjustment has averted a disastrous and even
stupid war."
[Left advertising.

OPERATIC NOTES.

66

ROUNDABOUT READINGS.

Opening of Opera. Monday, May 13.-Crowded house. Grand THERE is only one Parish Council in England which is presided Otello Co. unlimited. The Orchestra has been sunk four feet, thus over by a lady. Her name is JANE SHAKESPEARE, and she rules the giving Stalls clear view of stage. DRURIOLANUS proposes a puzzler parochial deliberations of Netherseal in Leicestershire. No doubt it Orchestra lowered," he says, yet all performers in it hired!" will be found by her councillors that JANE hath a way with her, and Royal Highnesses present. DRURIOLANUS, taking happy musical thus she will be brought into line with publishers points of view, looks towards Royal Box and murmurs her illustrious namesake. 'Royalties' on music." ALBANI surpasses herself as Desdemona: quite wonder that Otello-Tamagno has the heart to smother her_with pillow after her song about the willow. Signor PESSINA as Iago: rather a ponderous villain. Pecuniary operatic prospects exceptionally good at all events, possessing JEAN DE RESZKE, TAMAGNO, and BERTRAN, DRURIOLANUS has "three tenners" in hand to start with. Tuesday.-BoÏTo's Mefistofele. An opera that grows on you,' says LOUNGER in the Lobby. "If there were a probability of many such growing on you, my dear LOUNGER," quoth Sir DRURIOLANUS, with satirical affability, "you would be worth cultivating." The

66

66

advantage of a long
opera, with discon-
nected acts, is,
that you can "pick
'em where you
like," as the coster
says of the wal-
nuts, and come in
anywhere for
something good.
MAGGIE MACIN-
TYRE is "getting
a big girl now."
Charming as Mar-
gheritaand La belle

[At Gamlingay, in Cambridgeshire, Mr.
DEW declined to undertake the duties of
cemetery superintendent for a salary of £5,
and Mr. HOWE was conseqeuntly appointed
to the post.]

MR. DEW, when he heard of the
offer, looked blue;

He considered a fiver was less than
his due.

How do it? The question gave
rise to no row,

For Miss Echo replied, and her
answer was HOWE.

A WRITER in The Manchester Guardian declares that the main Hélène. Signor road between Bolton and Bury is in a shocking condition. What is DE LUCIA a rather the road between Bolton and Bury? Bolton suggests that he who timorous and bash-fights and runs away lives to fight another day, but Bury seems to ful Faust, with one indicate a path of glory leading to the grave-which things are a eye for MAGGIE paradox. In any case, I endorse the writer's suggestion

and the other for NELLI (short for MANCINELLI), as if praying the latter to conduct him safely and keep him from temptation to go wrong. Faust in situation of TooLE in The Houseboat, when he used to exclaim, "SARAH! I'm slipping!" PLANÇON equally good as Jupiter or Mefistofele; this time it is Mefisto. Wednesday.-Le Prophète. In spite of name, unprofitable opera. Signor TAMAGNO (or familiarly TAM AGNO), as Jean of Leyden, rather over-laden, but bearing burthen bravely. TAM receives big encore in Star-spangled Banner Hymn. The two CORSIS and CASTELMARY ably represent Liberator Firm of Jonas, Zaccaria, Mathisen & Co., always ready to draw on their false prophet in order to save their own credit. Two CORSIS and dessert to follow. Beaming BEVIGNANI conducts invisible orchestra.

Thursday-Sudden change from summer to winter. Comparatively thin house. Ladies as wrapperees in furs. Everyone welcoming Pagliacci, or the Mummers, as pantomime suitable to season. In spite of this, warm welcome to Pagliacci and to Madame FANNY MOODY as Nedda. She is quite the character: Moody yet lively, ANCONA and DE LUCIA good and dramatic as ever as Tonio and Canio. Début of Miss MARIE ENGLE, who, whether German or French, will be a favourite with the Engle-ish, starting uncommonly well as Little Bo-Peep-Baucis. King Jove-Plançon and VulcanCastelmary, the limping Olympian, excellent as usual. Everyone suffering from wintry blasts in stalls envies Vulcan rubbing his hands and warming himself at Bonnard-Philémon's fire. Such a night in May is enough to knock any piece to shivers. The conductors of the operatic 'bus were, for the first journey, Soothing SEPPILLI; and for the second, Beaming BEVIGNANI.

Friday.-Still wintry. Italian-German opera Lohengrin, with Cosmopolitan Caste, going stronger than ever. House full and fally satisfied. Hard to please if it had not been so, with ALBANI as Elsa, (says WAGSTAFF, affecting a drawl, "Nobody else-a can touch her in this"),-Jupiter-Plançon as a King, not of gods but men, and BERTRAN, from La Scala, as a First-Knight Lohengrin. As to intruder Ortruda and Terrible Telramonda, these heavy weights are lifted by Mlle. OLITZKA and Signor ANCONA. Monarchical MANCINELLI treats Time like a dusty carpet, beating it strongly.

Saturday.-Crowded house to welcome old friend Trovatore. PESSINA as the wicked nobleman; and TAMAGNO-now known as TAM"-in splendid voice for the Trovatore himself. "TAM" doubly encored after "Di quella pira." JULIA RAVOGLI not quite the Azucena. Mlle. BAUERMEISTER's first appearance this season: as heroine's sympathetic companion BAUERMEISTER combines the "utile" with the dulce." MAGGIE MACINTYRE Vocally good, dramatically puzzling. House happy: DRURIOLANUS delighted. Fine finish to first week.

That Alderman HULTON should harness his colt on,
And drive o'er the road between Bury and Bolton.
The chock-holes and paving are terrible-very,

And he may find his tomb e'er he comes back to Bury.
THERE was a gas explosion the other day in Dublin at the house of
a Mr. ATоCK. The report states that Mr. ATоCK's injuries were
dressed and he and his family afterwards left for the house of Mr.
ATOCK senior, at Phibsborough. Phoebus, what a name! As the
capital city of the regions of, shall we say, perverted veracity,
nothing could be fitter. In any case, condolences to Mr. ATOCK. Is
the Blarney stone in Phibsborough ?

WHAT is "dockisation "? Whatever it is, they have been debating upon it at Bristol, and the proceedings are described as decidedly lively." The protagonists were Mr. DE RIDDER and Alderman PROCTOR BAKER.

64

Dockisation, I think, is a question of docks,
And at Bristol it lately gave rise to hard knocks.
"Let's be rid of a scheme which is bad for the town,"
Said DE RIDDER, whose statements excited a frown.
But they smiled on beholding this argument-maker
By a Proctor well caught and done brown by a Baker.

LEEDS LEADS!

Or, Welcome News from the North.

["The tenor of market reports concerning all the main industries out of which the citizens of Leeds make their living . . . suggests the advent of a turn for the better, commercially, that may almost claim to rank as an industrial revolt."-The Yorkshire Post.]

HOORAY! Food for hope the Tyke Town surely yields.
The "Sun of York" shines on the Cardigan Fields
(Which now should be called the Elysian).
The Capitalist and the Builder unite

To throw light upon Leeds. Let's sing, "Leeds! kindly light!"
(Which we hope will not shock the precisian.)
Oh! Bradford and Huddersfield, Dewsbury, Batley !-
(These Yorkshire names fall into rhythm most patly)-
Your returns and reports Trade is heeding,
In hope that the storm, like the North, we may weather,
With WALKER AND SONS (there is nothing like leather!),
Those great "Men of (Leeds) Light and Leading!

APPROPRIATE.-Fixed service for "Tied Houses" should be the bounden duty of Tide-waiters.

THE PREMIER'S CRUISE.

Delight

Scilly Islands, Wednesday.-Blue sea, lovely weather. ful to have left all worries, all politics, far behind, and to Boat Portsmouth, Monday.-Thank heaven! Got rid of politics for a seen approaching from land. Man says he has a telegram for me! What can it be season. Off to Cowes, as guest of SPENCER, on board Enchantress. Oh, hang telegrams! Wish I were well out at sea. Admirable institution, an Admiralty yacht; reconciles one to Naval about? Japan? Siam ? Chitral? No. Only to tell me result of Estimates, almost. But there!-must not think of Estimates now. Walworth and West Dorset elections! Hem! Seems I am at seaMust try and remember this is a holiday, to get ozone and sleep-subject. HOMER handsomely beaten. Why didn't he stick to his politically. Thoughtless of ASQUITH to have wired me on the especially sleep. Cowes.-SPENCER really very nautical. Talks of fast cruisers and Iliad? And READE-deserves the Old Bailey for being licked by the water-tube boilers all the time. Great on torpedo-destroyers. Says new one! Question now is where's our majority? Ask SPENCER. the Havoc " goes twenty-five knots an hour." Well then, why can't SPENCER replies it's " as plain as a marlinspike.' Says Walworth HARCOURT get up the same pace with our Bills? Wish he'd turn lost because not enough money spent on Navy. Assures me Navy into a Parliamentary Havoc. Mention this to SPENCER, who laughs, Partner." This is too much! Ask SPENCER, as a favour, to maroon "much more important than Army; in fact, it's the Predominant and says, "It's the Opposition who indulge in twenty-five Nots an hour.' Believe SPENCER means it as a joke. Turn in, and think of me on some desolate isle-say Lundy. Won't do it. Bribe a sailor. HARCOURT and SPENCER's joke and Twin-Screw Cabinets and Water-Landed at Lizard. Off to town! Next time I want sea air, shall veto-boiler Bills. Wretched night! run down to Clacton on the "Belle."

66

Portland, Tuesday Morning.-Rather unfair of SPENCER. Now he's got me safely on board, he's always trying to persuade me that Navy wants more money spent on it. More money! Refer him to OXFORD DEGREES.-Certainly Messrs. DAN LENO and ALBERT HARCOURT, the inexorable Jorkins." Try to hide from SPENCER. CHEVALIER should have Masterships of Arts conferred on them. No good. He finds me behind a coil of rope on half-quarter-deckThe Voces Stellarum at the Oxford Observatory (otherwise is it half-quarter-deck? Not sure, and don't like to ask-and begins Music Hall) are well worth hearing. Mr. BURNETT (J. P.) has just again. Seems he would like a few more millions for guns. Thought issued a brochure on this Music-Astronomical subject, chiefly remarkwe had heaps of guns. Talks about a ship he calls The Hecckler. able for a brief essay on "The Pantomimic Art," by PAUL MARWhat a name! Reminds me of every political meeting I've ever TINETTI, whose right to speak on such a theme, as an authority, attended. Why will Lords of Admiralty give such names? SPENCER may be arrived at by any one who sees this most artistic pantomimist explains-seems it's Hecla, not Hecckler. Oh! All right. Fear in a short melodramatic piece-a piece which thoroughly tells its SPENCER begins to think me rather a land-lubber. Got me at an advantage here. Wait till I take him to Newmarket Heath! Off Plymouth.-Down in engine-room. Tell head stoker that House of Lords is an effete institution. Stoker winks. Can he be a Tory? Tell him it's a "gilded prison." Stoker seems surprised, and asks, "Why I don't chuck it up, then ?" Curious-no repartee handy, And I am so good at them, generally. Must consult "Fridoline," traduit de l'Anglais de Happy Thoughts," to see what would be a 66 repartee to a stoker." Bed. SPENCER won't hear of it as bed; talks of "turning-in to his bunk." What an enthusiastic "First Lord" SPENCER does make! Thinking of First Lord, wonder who'll be Last Lord? Go on wondering till dawn. What a noise swabbing the deck makes! Wish I were back at the Durdans!

own tale without words-now being performed nightly at the Oxford. It is admirable. If action can do so much, then why not a Shakspearian play in action, and "the student" could read the words to himself at home? We recommend the idea to Mr. PAUL MARTINETTI, and should advise him to re-arrange Don Quixote, as a piece without words," for Mr. HENRY IRVING, who now looks and acts the part to perfection; the piece itself might then be worthy of the actor, that is,-if action were substituted for its very poor dialogue.

POLITICS À LA PERKYN MIDDLEWICK.-The Radical wire-pullers now regard the middle-class Walworth voters (for Mr. BAILEY) as "Shop 'uns," and the county division which returned Colonel WILLIAMS as "inferior Dosset"