rugged, weather-beaten cheek, fresh infamy on part of SQUIRE OF MALWOOD. Had announced on Thursday that, at Monday's sitting, Naval Works Loan Bill would be proceeded with. TOMMY accordingly clewed up, and ran for port; laying to for fortyight hours, prepared speech on Naval Works. Now SQUIRE calmly announced that Shipbuilding Vote was to be taken. What was TOMMY to do with speech prepared on Naval Works Loans?

In despair yesterday; to-day bright idea struck him. SHAW-LEFEVRE had moved to introduce One Man One Vote Bill. Why shouldn't TOMMY, flying that flag, run in and deliver his speech on Naval Works? A bold experiment; only hope of success was that House, being in almost comatose state, wouldn't notice ruse if cleverly managed. Trust TOMMY for clever management. Holding sheaf of notes firmly in left hand, deftly turning them over with the hook that serves him for right hand, the old salt read his speech on Naval Works Loan Bill. Here and there, when he observed restless movement in any part of House, fired off phrase about forty shilling freeholder," Occupation votes." rural constituencies," " re-distribution," country going to the dogs," jerrymandering." and right hon. gentleman opposite." Scheme worked admirably; speech reeled off, and SQUIRE OF MALWOOD'S knavish trick confounded.

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Business done.-One Man One Vote Bill brought in.

Thursday.-House not to be moved to evidence of excitement even by prospect of Budget night. On such occasion in ordinary times attendance at prayer-time most encouraging to Chaplain. Begins to think that at last his ministrations are bearing fruit. This afternoon congregation not much above average. No rush for tickets for seats. When SQUIRE rose to open his statement, great gaps below Gangway on Ministerial side. The SQUIRE, recognising situation, refrained from heroics, content to deliver plain business speech. No exordium; no peroration; no flight into empyrean heights of eloquence as was the wont of Mr. G. Some sympathetic movement when SQUIRE, with momentarily increased briskness of manner, spoke of snap of cold weather in February, with its accompaniment of influenza, increased

TWO WAYS OF DOING IT.
FIRST WAY.

From the Representative of Her Britannic Majesty's Government to the Minister for Foreign Affairs. January 1, 18-0. I HAVE the honour to inform your Excellency that I am instructed by the Secretary of State for Foreign Affairs that Her Britannic Majesty's Government has reason to complain of the conduct of the Government of which your Excellency is the representative. I have the honour to say that it will be advisable for your Excellency to urge upon the Government of which your Excellency is the representative the necessity of inquiry into the matter as speedily as possible. I have further the honour to add that it will be gratifying to Her Britannic Majesty's Government if the Government of which your Excellency is a representative will give the matter to which I refer the earliest attention.

From the Representative, &c., to the

Minister, &c. January 1, 18-1.

I have the honour to call the attention of your Excellency to the long and unsatisfactory_correspondence that has passed during the last year between your Excellency as representing the Government of which you are the representative and the Secretary of State for Foreign Affairs upon the matter of the despatch I had the honour to forward to your Excellency dated January 1, 18-0. I am directed to have the honour of requesting your Excellency to urge upon the Government of which your Excellency is a representative the necessity of a speedy settlement of the matter in dispute.

death-rate, and fuller flow of death duties into National coffers. The quality of this mercy was not quite unstrained. Not dropping, like the gentle dew from heaven, till February, increased death rates will not come into accourt till succeeding year. Still, there was rum. As thermometer fell rum went up with a rush.

Fifteen men on a dead man's chest. High ho! and a bottle of rum. What with comforting the mourners, and imbibed as a preventive, rum brought a windfall of £100,000 into the Treasury.

That was well in its way. But then there were those 75,000 mean-spirited people who ought to have died last year, their estates paying tribute to CHANCELLOR OF EXCHEQUER, and who positively insisted upon living. The long-trained fortitude of the SQUIRE nearly broke down when he mentioned this circumstance. Pretty to see how it also touched JOKIM. The wounds of riven friendship temporarily closed up; the rivalry of recent year forgotten in contemplation of these 75,000 reckless, ruthless people, who, in defiance of law of average, didn't die in financial year ending March 31, 1895. The past CHANCELLOR OF EXCHEQUER and his successor in office mingled their tears. But for intervention of table they would probably have flung themselves into each other's arms and sobbed aloud.

"Thus," said PRINCE ARTHUR, himself not unaffected by the scene, "doth one touch of nature make Chancellors of the Exchequer kin." Business done.-Budget brought in. Friday Night.-ALPHEUS CLEOPHAS submitted proposal to dock payment of £10,000 annuity to Duke of COBURG. Thinks H.R.H. might, in circumstances, get along nicely without it. SAGE OF QUEEN ANNE'S GATE agrees. T. H. BOLTONPARTY, on the other hand, gravely differs. Folding his arms as was his wont on eve of Austerlitz, he regards ALPHEUS CLEOPHAS with awful frown. Imperial instincts naturally wounded. "No trifling with the personal revenues of our Royal cousins, whether at home or abroad," said T. H. BOLTONPARTY in the voice of thunder that once reverberated across the shivering.chasms of the Alps. Business done.-Proposal to cut off Duke of COBURG's pension negatived by 193 votes against 72.

OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.-To all, and especially to all travellers, on account of its portable size, the Baron begs to recommend a charming novelette written by GUY BOOTHABY, entitled A Lost Endeavour, published by DENT of Aldine House, When Mr. Guy BOOTHABY brings out another story equal to this, the Baron will be delighted to draw public attention to it by saying, "Here's another GUY-BOOTHABY!

AN AWFUL MONSTER RECENTLY LET OUT IN A CHURCH-A second-hand sermon with eight heads

MOTTO FOR THE LORD CHIEF JUSTICE." Quantum snuff."

HOP PROSPECTS.

JAS

RATHER "BOLD ADVERTISEMENT." ["Advertisements for some time past have been inserted in Government publications."-Daily Paper.]

SCENE-Room of a Secretary of State. Present Right Hon.
Gentleman attended by his Private Secretary.

Right Hon. Gentleman. Well, TENTERFORE, anything for me this morning?

Private Secretary. I think not. You will find that I have worked out the answers to to-day's questions-the list is not a very heavy one. only a couple of dozen queries or thereabouts. Rt. Hon. Gent. That's right. Such a lot of time is wasted in that sort of thing. And has anyone come for me?

Priv. Sec. No one of importance. A fellow with a new invention or something of that sort. Said you were extremely busy just now, but that if he would write, his letter would receive the attention of the department.

Rt. Hon. Gent. Was he satisfied? Priv. Sec. (smiling). Well, I fear not entirely. have had some experience of Government offices. ferred to see you personally.

I think he must He said he preAnyone else?

Rt. Hon. Gent. (amused). I daresay he would. Priv. Sec. Only a man about advertisements. Rt. Hon. Gent. (aghast). You did not send him away? Priv. Sec. Well, no. I believe he is still in the waiting-room. But surely you don't want to see him?

Rt. Hon. Gent. Of course I do. A most important person. Send a messenger for him at once. (Exit Private Secretary.) That's the worst of TENTER FORE-so impulsive! Means well, but so very impulsive! (Knock.) Ah, here comes my visistor. (Enter stranger.) My very dear Sir, I am delighted to see you. (He shakes hands warmly and provides him with an arm-chair.) I am sorry you should have been detained-quite a mistake.

Stranger (surprised). You are most kind. I come about some advertisements.

Rt. Hon. Gent. I know, my dear Sir, I know. Now what can I tempt you with? You arrive at a most fortunate moment. We are thinking of letting the sides of our cruisers for posters. The Mediterranean fleet will be a most excellent medium. We can do sixteen double crowns at a very reasonable rate; of course the Admiral's flag-ship would be a trifle extra. Is your leading article soap, pickles, or hair-dye?

Stranger. I am afraid you do not understand me.

Rt. Hon. Gent. Oh yes, I do; but, if you object to marine advertisements, I think we can suit you on land. We have several commanding positions on the colours of some of the most popular regi

VOL. OVIII.

ODE TO A (LONDON) “LARK."

(Some Way after Quisquis.)

Он, "lark," which all the "Comiques" sing,
And every drunken rowdy pup, too;
Sure you're a vicious, vulgar thing
As ever toper swigged a cup to.

Hints of the boozy and the blue

Surround you; sodden brains you soften; Yet rhymsters make a song of you,

And rowdies sing it-far too often.

The aim of every loose-lipped lout
Appears to be to "lark" divinely;
When from his haunts he gets chucked out,"
He deems his "spree" has ended finely.
He tracks the "lark "-aye," like a bird,"
Upon the turf, among its "daisies";
But, by sweet SHELLEY, 'tis absurd,
Foul bird of prey, to pipe your praises!

A KIND OFFER.-A lady who is not well up in Parliamentary matters writes to us saying that she has seen mentioned in the papers "Mr. Speaker's Retirement Bill," and would very much like to know what the amount is. Her admiration for the late SPEAKER is so great that, our fair correspondent goes on to say, she would willingly defray the whole amount herself, or if the total be too much for her pocket, then would she cheerfully head a subscription list. She is perfectly certain that Mr. PEEL was a very moderate man, and therefore the entire sum cannot be very startling.

Stranger. You really are in error. I wish to say

Rt. Hon. Gent. (interrupting). Yes, I know. You think that something would be better. Well, we can put advertisements on the backs of all petitions presented to Parliament, and let you out hoardings in front of the more prominent of the Government offices. How would that suit you?

of

matters interesting to mariners-such as notices of wrecks—are Stranger. Really, you must allow me to explain. Advertisements inserted solely in the London Gazette and

Rt. Hon. Gent. Ah, you are thinking of the sky signs. Well, of course, we might utilise the lighthouses, but we have not quite made up our minds whether such a course might not cause confusion in misty weather.

Stranger. I was going to propose that the Government might feel inclined to insert the advertisements to which I have referred in a paper with which I am connected, and which is extensively circulated amongst seafaring men.

Rt. Hon. Gent. (astounded). You want me to give you an advertisement! No, Sir; now that we have taken up advertisements we insert them and don't give them out. (Enter Private Secretary.) Mr. TENTERFORE, be so good as to explain to this gentleman that my time is valuable.

[Scene closes in upon the Secretary of State performing the now rather miscellaneous duties appertaining to his office.

Algy.

'ARRY AND THE NEW WOMAN. DEAR CHARLIE, 'Ow are you, old shipmate? I've bin layin' low for a time.

-MR.- A-I FIND I [Which is quite true!

It left me with brain discumfuddled, the blues, and a thundering thust.

sootabler name, too, by far.

"There ain't nothink new in their Newness; it's only old garbige warmed up.

and bizness 'as bin fur from prime.

All grind and no gay galoot, CHARLIE, of late

as bin my little lot;

An' between you and me and
the post, I think most
things is going to pot!

It's Newness wot's doing it,
CHARLIE! "Lor! that's

a rum gospel," sez you. Well, p'raps in your green tooral-looral you don't hear so much of the New; But in town with New Art,

and New Women, New Drammer, New Humour, and such, There seems nothink old left in creation, save four-arf, and DANNEL'S old Dutch.

She's old, and no hapricots, CHARLIE. But
DANNEL's a decentish sort,
And the way as she lays down the law about
up-to-date woman is sport.

'Er nutcrackers clitter and clatter; and when
she is fair on the shout,
Concernin' fresh feminine fashions, you bet
it's a reglar knock-out!

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'ARRY," she sez, coming out,

They've styged it, no doubt, tol-lol-poppish, but wot is the 'ole thing about?

I feel just as creepy and 'oller, along o' these 'ere warmed-up ghosts,

As

It

if I'd bin dining on spiders. Eugh! Let's 'ave a glarss at The Posts.'

that played-out old farce-at sixteen!I thought we was fair up-to-date, LIL, but, bless yer, we're simply pea-green!" And when we arrived at Lamb's Conduit Street, old DANNEL 'ARRIS's shop,

the play, with some tickets I'd got.

Well, paperers mustn't be choosers.

But oh, mate, of all the dashed rot

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when started she's orkud to stop. "New Woman?" sez she. She's no clarss, LIL, and don't know a mite where she are.

and greens on which poor people sup Is 'olesome compared with sich offal. Yah! Weddings 'Il outlast that lot;

And while gals is gals the old Eve'll jest make the new evil seem rot."

The jawsome old guffin wos right, CHARLIE; leastways, she wosn't fur out. Yer female footballers and bikers, as swagger and go on the shout,

And spile a good sport and their hancles, are not more complete off the track Than them as "revolt"-agin Nature, and cock their she-bokos-at fack! All splutter-sludge, CHARLIE! On styge or As want to play Man and be Woman are tryon cinder-path, sillypop things ing to fly without wings, Or fight without fistes. Are Men, the world's masters-like you, mate, and MeTo be knocked out by probblems in petticoats? Wot bloomin' fiddle-de-dee!

The Old Dutch, and young LIL, and myself are all much of a mind on this job. Old 'ARRIS sez men are not in it. He don't mean it, I'll bet a bob.

It ain't very likely, not now, that Yours Scrumptiously ever will marry;

But if I should tyke a Old Woman, it won't be no New Woman! 'ARRY.