RAILWAY BALLADS.

I. THE EXPRESS TRAIN.
A GRUESOME tale I tell of the
West-Eastern Railway Companee.
"Its virtues few, its faults a score".
(I quote the view held heretofore).
The chief among its faults, you see,
Is sad unpunctualitee.

Now, gentles all, list what befel
AUGUSTUS HALL, of Camberwell.
The Fates were stern, the world unkind;
And this, I learn, unhinged his mind.
Che sarà, sarà! Think how sad!
His evil star it drove him mad!
"If life has no more joy to give,"
Quoth he, "I'll go and cease to live.
Nor yet delay an hour to dine,

But straightway lay me on the line. "The train now due will end distressSo haste thee, Two o'clock Express!"

With that he'd gone, nor stayed to snack; But climbed upon the railway-track.

He waited now two hours-not less;

And yet, I vow, came no express!

And he had nought his pangs to ease.

He wished he'd brought some bread and cheese.

He had to fast. He fain would sup.

The hours flew past. He sate him up.

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Tis strangely late. I should not mind

I'd gladly wait-if I had dined.

"If I'd a joint that I could carve,

I'd strain a point; but here to starve!!
May I be hung if e'er I see

Such gross unpunctualitee!

"No gentleman can now depend On any plan to plan his end."

Twelve hours or more he waited thus. 66 an omnibus!

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A train?" he swore;

"It tarries yet all through the night, And helps to whet my appetite!

His hunger grew inside his chest; With nought to chew, he was-non est. Two days pass by, and then we find The train draw nigh, three days behind! Directors sigh, deplore, and frown; And fine the driver half-a-crown. "But had I been on time," JACK said, "HALL'S death, I ween, were on my head."

..

Quite true, good JACK! Our conscience pricks.

We hand you back your two-and-six!”

Envor.

Now that is all I have to tell Of Mr. HALL, of Camberwell.

THESE DULL TIMES.

ROBERT AND THE COUNTY COUNSELLS. BROWN and me has been a having sum rare good fun lately. We has managed to see and hear a good deal about the County Counsellers, and werry emusing we finds em to be. They suttenly does manage to quarrell among each other more than I shood have thort posserbel. There's a depperty Counseller among em who will tork whenever he gets a hoppertunity, yes and keeps the pot a biling, as BROWN says, for nearly arf a nour at a time, and then finds hisself beaten into a cocked at, and so has to sit down, while the others has a jolly larf.

Ever so many on em belongs to the Tems Conserwancy, and so we are offen hearing of their going up the River, when there's two much water there, and hoffering to show the poor natives how to get a lot of it away, but from what I hears they don't seem for to be werry sucksessful.

Too or three on em went to the Boat Race the other day and took ever so many Ladies with em, and jolly nice dinners they had on bord after the Race was over and there wasn't no more fear of no more rane, which had rayther spylt the morning.

It's reel good fun to hear the Counsellers tork about the Copperation nowadays! such a difference to what it was about a year ago! Then it was all bragging and boasting, now it's all begging your thort tosee such a change, and it's really werry emusing. The two pardon, and arsking your grace, and it shant occur again! I never places where they speshally seems not at all at their ease are the Court of Common Counsel and the Manshun House; and in both of indeed! and the reel natives don't show them no pitty! not a bit of these honnerd places the few as wenters in do look uncumferal it, but takes a quiet larf whenever they gits a good chance.

I've herd as one of the Counsellers has been herd to say as there are no less than three on em in the House of Commons, each of em quite equal to the late Speaker, if not shuperior to him, and that it was only beggarly jealousy as prewented them giving them a fare

chance!

The same honorable Gent has been herd to say that the County Counsellors was much shuperior to the City Copperation, for it was only last Toosday as they agreed, without a word of remonsterance, to raise no less than two millions of money from next year's rates!

I wunder if it's all trew!

ROBERT.

THE NEWEST NUISANCE.-The woman with a past before her.

For a while;

Now there's calm at wings and middle, and even the First Fiddle Veils his virtuous indignation with a smile:

The tutti did go wrong, all the parts appeared at strife,

They liked the Old Conductor, were in doubt about the New; And WH-TBR-D's tootling piccolo, and WH-RT-N's wry-neck'd fife, Went decidedly a little bit askew.

But, in spite of blare and blether, they're now going well together,
String and reed,

Parchment, and wood, and brass; and it yet may come to pass
That the New Conductor's début will succeed.

The Old Conductor's style was perfection, there's no doubt,
Impossible to beat, and extremely hard to follow;

But the new one seems to know pretty well what he's about.
A Mercury can play, though no Apollo.

So let us cheer all round, as he makes his bow profound!
Tap, tap, tap!

Go the fiddle-bows, in proof that, while welcome shakes the roof,
The orchestra agree to cheer and clap!

Sir, that St. Stephen's Orchestra is mighty hard to lead:
Needs mastery, and dignity, and coolness, and fine ear,
Great was the baton-wielder tis your fortune to succeed;
But tackle your big task, Sir, without fear!
Punch trusts the name of GULLY on Fame's roll will not shine dully
At the end!

Now tune up string and bow, let the New Conductor know
That he finds in each performer a fair friend!

PARTY POLITICS.

First Man (conciliatory). You're a Tory?

Second Man (also conciliatory). Well, no. I'm a Unionist. Yes,

a Unionist. Certainly I don't approve of Home Rule First Man. Don't say that. I think well of Home Rule. Second Man. Oh, do you? Well, I agree with the Liberals in some ways.

First Man. Come to that, in some ways I agree with the Tories. Now take Disestablishment.

Second Man. Ah, that's just one point where I disagree with the Liberals.

First Man. Well, you may be right. But I should be a Tory if they supported Home Rule.

Second Man. And I should be a Liberal if they didn't want Disestablishment.

THE NEW CONDUCTOR.

"YOU HAVE BEEN ELECTED BY A MAJORITY OF THE HOUSE. YOU ARE THE REPRESENTATIVE OF THE WHOLE HOUSE."

Report of the Right Hon. Arthur Balfour's speech on the election of Mr. Gully as Speaker.

His Friend. That's the late boo strike. Cheap American goods have ousted the genuine British article.

R. A.-I. C. (meditatively). Ahheard of the boot strike too at Bangalore. But I didn't find my bootmaker charged me any less than in the old days for 'em. Tell you what, there's only one thing that will save England.

His Friend. What's that?

R. A.-I. C. Why, a new kind of strike altogether. Why shouldn't the strikers strike striking? Eh? His Friend. That never struck me. [They part pensively.

MY PIPE.

I Do not now attempt to sing,
With laudatory phrases,

That now, in verse, quite hackneyed thing,

Which poet, painter praises:

Beloved by TURNER, CLAUDE, or CUYP, The excellent tobacco-pipe.

Nor yet of bagpipes do I write,

Pan's pipes with Punch and Judy, Or organ ones, because you might

Read books on them, from MUDIE, In varied tongues, in varied typeOn any sort of music pipe.

Nor, plagued of late however much
By bronchial affections,

Do I propose just now to touch,
With medical reflections,

On what Jack Frost delights to

gripe,

My choking, wheezing, sore wind

pipe,

But then, you see, they're dear. result of the last coal strike. R. A.-I. C. Oh, I heard about that at Ban-If you had had a pipe like mine, galore. Then how about your razors ? I bought one yesterday in the Strand. If you believe me, I've only used it once and it's blunt already.

His Friend. Made in Germany," no doubt. The trade's gone over there, they say.

R. A.-I. C. And boots, now. Why has the pair I got in the City a month ago split open in two places?

Your ruined home defacing; On carpet, stain; on paper, stripe ;Oh, blow that beastly water-pipe!

SONG OF THE PEACE TERMS (SUNG TO CHINA).-"Oh, Let us be Jappy together!"