Nothing more. When and where I got you I can All I do know is the fact that Yes, I was an unsuspecting Everybody else suspects you Bus-conductors, shopmen, cabbies, All decline you, sometimes adding You have danced on sundry counters, Not to "try it on "'s been given me Were you not a paltry "bob," but You might be of use and save a Nimble "brown": For you'd find yourself right quickly In the slot, Were you of the right dimensionsBut you're not. I'm beginning to assume a Hang-dog air, For I feel my conduct's hardly "On the square." Now I leave church early (though I Get there late), Lest I may be moved to put you In the plate! That last spark of decent feeling But my character you've ruined, So it's time, old pewter shilling, Which-I lose at least a cab-fare- PRIOR CLAIMS. THE NEW HEN. A NEW Hen wandering disconsolately in a country farmyard once made the acquaintance of a cock of the old school, when both fell into some discourse concerning the changes of the modes. "Ah," said the former, arrogantly addressing the latter, "times are indeed a good deal altered since you were a cockerel, and all for the better, thank goodness! Time was, and not so very long ago either, when I was expected to do nothing save lay eggs and breed chickens: now, however, my mistress must know better than to expect such degrading offices of me, for I will neither lay the one nor breed the other." The old cock was about to offer some remarks in ridicule of these sentiments, when the housewife came into the yard, and, snatching up the New Hen, wrung her neck, remarking to herself as she did so, that a fowl that could neither lay eggs nor rear chickens, had obviously no place in the economy of nature. NEW READING.-"A bull in a china shop" may be Latin-AmeriHarold. "YES, AUNTIE CONNIE, I DO LOVE YOU VERY canised with a considerable amount MUCH; BUT I LOVE MAMMA BEST.' (Apologetically.) "You of truth as The bos' of the SEE I MET HER FIRST!" show." THE MENU A LA MODE. With every seasonable delight! With soup as well we must dispense. They say the same of beef and mutton. Yes, each variety of meat, As you remark, is much the same, Fish, oysters poultry, joint or game. Awaiting all who toy with jellies. "Cheese- that is not condemned Yet ample evidence we find And therefore, DAMON, you and I, The scope of our projected feast; On which destruction will not follow! SHAKSPEARE REVISED BY AN ALDERMAN. "MAY I ask," said the worthy Alderman DAVIES, and he might have added, "I ask because DAVIES sum, non Edipus""-but he didn't, and it was a chance lost, what salary you [the witness under examination] received for this conduct of yours while secretary?" To which witness answered, 66 64 £500 a year, and a bonus of £200." Whereupon the Alderman remarked, "Then all I can say is, you could have got many honest men to do the work for much less." Quite so, Mr. Alderman, true for you; but if a man will act honestly for a sovereign, what might not the addition of ten shillings do? It ought to make him more honest comparatively, while another ten shillings would make him superlatively honest. But how if with there were an obligation attached to the increase? Just a trifling deviation out of the straight course to begin with, to oblige a patron? 66 known dictum, "For to be honest as this world goes is to be as one man picked out of ten thousand," we must read "For to be dishonest as this world goes is to be as one man picked out of ten thousand." Happy Alderman DAVIES! In what paradisiacal pastures must he have moved and breathed and earned his livelihood! CIRCLING THE SQUARE. STANDING awhile at the corner crossing, Watching a van as it lumbers past, Something impels me to turn and saunter Down to the Square, where I met you last. Down to the Square with its formal garden Slowly I pace-yet I scarce know why; Somehow I never have since been near it, Things have all changed since last July! There is the gate, where you fumbled sadly Turning the key-though I lent my aidThere are the paths, where we strolled in sun shine, There is our seat in the chestnut shade. Borders all empty, and paths uncared for, Bleak, bare branches, and murky skyThis is the "garden I love" no longer, How it has changed since last July! All that we spoke of, or left unspoken, All that our tongues or our eyes could say Comes to me now, as the Square I circle, Clear as events but of yesterday. Vain to remember, to care still vainer, You have been married a month, and II'm a misogynist- just at present, How we have changed since last July!" "FULL SPEED AHEAD!" ["The essential thing is that the party now in office has loyally followed the example of the party in opposition, and, neglecting party considerations, and provincial interests, has, as the Civil Lord claimed for it, 'risen to the full height of its Imperial responsibilities.""-The "Times" on the Navy Estimates.] Britannia (cheerily). To "hear old Triton blow his wreathed horn," My SPENCER, in this clear determined manner, Is spirit-gladdening; showing you were born To back my power and upbear my banner! Triton-Spencer. You do me proud, Ma'am ! Rootle-tootle-too! Foghorns not in it, eh? As for those sirens ! Aha! Ulysses made a great to-do, But by the blue brine that your coast environs Our marine music beats 'em out of sight! Britannia. Especially now you blare so well together You rival conch-performers. Ah! that's right. Now I'm prepared for any sort of weather! Triton-Spencer sings: BRITANNIA's Sea-Lady-in-Chief, Rootle-toot! And I'm her First Lord, and a ripper. Our chumminess passes belief, Rootle-toot! Lor! When she appointed me skipper Some fancied I'd dawdle-at least, so they [Ahead! said Now they see that my motto is-Full Speed GEORGIE HAMILTON there with his glass, Rootle-toot! Would spy out the flaws if there were any: EDDARD REED wouldn't let blunders pass, Rootle-toot! They're critical coves, and won't spare any. But bless 'em, their scrutiny I do not dread. My motto, you see, Ma'am, is-Full Speed Ahead! Of course, that won't do in a fog, Rootle-toot! A FIN-DE-SIÈCLISM! LENT. Sunday Visitor. "Is MRS. BROWN AT HOME?" THE ORIGINAL ARYAN TO THE PROFESSOR. I AM the Ancient Aryan, And you have done me wrong- I never travelled from the East There my remains may now be Mixed up with mastodons, In simple skins I wrapped me round, I had no pen-I'm sure of this, In Sanskrit and in Zend! My nature you've misunderstood. My rites were rather queer! The more my little ways you scan And bless the dear old Aryan They've mixed me up, till I declare Whether I first was tall and fair, But on two things I take my stand, I didn't come from Asia; and. THE TIP OBLIQUE. THE SONG OF THE SLUGGARD. ["A medical contemporary (The British Medical Journal) asserts that "The desire to rise early, except in those trained from youth to outdoor pursuits, is commonly a sign, not of strength of character and vigour of body, but of advancing age.""-Daily Telegraph.] 'Twas the voice of the sluggard, I heard him hooray As he turned in his bed at the dawning of day; 66 THE DRAMATIC COMMON SENSER-SHIP. LAST week the name of Mr. REDFORD as newly-appointed Licenser of Plays was announced. This is just to the late Licenser's assistant and deputy. But if the office is to be continued, why should it not be thrown open to competitive examination? A paper of such questions as the following would secure a learned Theban for the office: 1. Who was the Licenser of Plays in the time of SHAKSPEARE? 2. Translate passages (given) from (a) French dramatists, (8) Italian, (7) German, (8) Spanish, (e) Norwegian, (S) Russian, (7) Japanese. 3. Translate passages (given) from the works of English dramatists into the above-mentioned languages. 4. Give your opinion on the following" situations" and "plots," and say whether you consider it in the interests of public morality that they should be licensed for performance or not. 5. State your reasons for such opinions. At last early rising-that fraud-is found out! Henceforth prigs will leave me alone, I've no doubt! "They've preached at me ever since SOLOMON's time, And no doubt before it, in prose and in rhyme. Yet truth will prevail, and now Science hath said That for early morning there's no place like bed! "With their early to bed and their early to rise, They've tortured the good, and tormented the wise. In sermons, and spelling-books, proverbs and tracts, And now they just find they've mistaken the facts! "It's just like those moralists! Talk stilted bosh For an æon or two, and then find it won't wash! Lord! how they have stuck up their noses, the prigs, And compared us to sloths and to somnolent pigs. "What price now the ant, and that huge bore the bee? Whilst our old foe, the lark, proves pure fiddle-de-dee. Their healthy, and wealthy, and wise, and what not, Is exploded at last; it is all tommy-rot! "A man's not a black-beetle, to find it a lark To go crawling about chilly rooms in the dark; And if you must rise in the gloom and the cold, The fact only proves that you're foolish or old! "No more, then, need man feel constrained in the least To turn out like an insect, a bird, or a beast; For Medical Science has spoken, and said That the sluggard is right, and there's no place like bed!" [Curls up, and snores with a clear conscience. | Licensing Exam.-paper. 6. Is it your opinion that an officer of the Licensing (Play) Department should be in attendance every night at every theatre (a stall being kept for him by the manager on pain of fine or forfeiture of licence) to note if any change or any introduction be made in the dialogue or in any part or portion of the play already licensed? And if not, why not? 7. Would it be, or not, advisable in your opinion that every author, or all the authors when collaborating, should read their own pieces aloud to the Licenser, giving as much action and dramatic illustration as space will allow? And that the low comedians and eccentric comedians, male and female, with songs and dances, should attend, and show (a) what steps they propose taking in the new piece, (6) what words, (c) winks, (d) becks, and (e) wreathed smiles they intend giving in order to point an innuendo or adorn an apparently harmless joke? 8. Do you think that, as an assistant judge on such occasions, one or more experts (at so much an hour) should be present? 9. (a) In your opinion should not every play be seen by the Licenser, duly acted, with the costumes, before a licence can be granted? (b) and then that the licence be granted only on the condition that no alteration in word or action be made at any time, and under no pretence whatever, during the run, on pain of forfeiture of licence? The above suggestions will serve as a foundation for some future |