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DXCIII.

Not Kept, but Sold.

"My wife's so very bad," cried Will,

"I fear she ne'er will hold it

She keeps her bed."-" Mine's worse," said Phil, "The jade has just now sold it."

Anon.

DXCIV.

ON AN OLD WOMAN MARRYING A YOUNG LAD.

Hard is the fate of ev'ry childless wife;
The thoughts of wedlock tantalize her life.
Troth, aged bride, by thee 't was wisely done,
To choose a child and husband both in one.

Anon.

DXCV.

ON A MR. HUSBAND'S MARRIAGE.

This case is the strangest we've known in our life, The husband's a husband, and so is the wife.

Anon.

DXCVI.

OF ALL EVILS THE LEAST.

"Good morning, dear Major," quoth Lieutenant B "So you 're married, I hear, to the little Miss EIs it true that she scarcely comes up to your knee?” “It is, dear Lieutenant, and this I contest, That of all human evils the least is the best."

;

Anon.

DXCVII.

THE ONLY HAPPY HOUR.

Cries she to Will, 'midst matrimonial strife, "Cursed be the hour I first became your wife!" "By all the powers," said Will, "but that 's too bad! You've cursed the only happy hour we've had.”

Anon.

DXCVIII.

UNDER GOVERNMENT.

A place under Government
Was all that Paddy wanted :
He married soon a scolding wife,
And thus his wish was granted.

Anon.

233

BOOK IX.

General.

DXCIX.

THE WORLD.

"What makes you think the world is round?

Give me the reason fair!" "Because so very few are found Who act upon the square."

Thomas Dibdin (1771–1841).

DC.

ON THE SAME.

The world is like a rink, you know:
You lose your wheel, and come to woe!

J. Ashby Sterry.

DCI.

ON JOHN BULL.

The world is a bundle of hay;

Mankind are the asses who pull;

Each tugs it a different way,

And the greatest of all is John Bull.

Lord Byron (1788–1824).

DCII.

ON SCOTCH WEATHER.

Scotland thy weather's like a modish wife ;
Thy winds and rain for ever are at strife;
Like thee, the termagants their blustering try,
And, when they can no longer scold, they cry.
Aaron Hill (1685-1750).

DCIII.

ON SCOTCHMEN AND THEIR COUNTRY.

Indians assert that wheresoe'er they roam,
If slain they reach again their native home.
If every nation held this maxim right,

Not English bread would make a Scotchman fight.

Anon.

[From A Collection of Epigrams (1707). It was in a similar spirit of satire that Cleveland introduced into a poem of his the following couplet :

"Had Cain been Scot, God would have changed his doom; Not forced him wander, but compell'd him home."]

DCIV.

ON THE SAME.

I wonder'd not when I was told
The venal Scot his country sold:
I rather very much admire

How he could ever find a buyer !

[From Nichol's Select Collection of Poems.]

Anon.

DCV.

ON AN APPLE BEING THROWN AT COOKE, THE ACTOR,
WHILST PLAYING SIR PERTINAX MACSYCOPHANT.

Some envious Scot, you say, the apple threw,
Because the character was drawn too true.
It can't be so, for all must know "right weel"
That a true Scot had only thrown the peel.

Anon.

[Cooke was born in 1786, and died in 1864. Sir Pertinax MacSycophant is a character in Macklin's Man of the World.]

DCVI.

ON NORTHERN LIGHTS.

To roar and bore of Northern wights

The tendency so frail is,

That men do call those Northern Lights

Au-ror-a Bor-ealis.

[From Miss Mitford's Letters.]

Joseph Jekyll.

DCVII.

ON THE BANKS AND PAPER CREDIT OF SCOTLAND.

To tell us why banks thus in Scotland obtain,
Requires not the head of a Newton or Napier;
Without calculation the matter's quite plain-

Where there's plenty of rags, you'll have plenty of paper.

Anon.

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